Help IS THERE ANYONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME?

[Unattainable666]

This may be a bit lengthy and I apologize in advance. My life is nothing short of a fucked up mess. I was raised by a narcissist mother and an absent father. I was constantly told for 7 years how stupid, ugly, fat and worth less I was. She also let me know constantly that I would never find anyone to love me. So my goal in life has been to find someone to love me - to prove her wrong. Yeah, I know I'm a fucking grown ass woman and still hear her voice in my head. I have been mentally, physically and emotionally abused by every man I've come into contact with. After my little girl died I made no effort to even talk to a guy much less anything else. Then recently I met someone who I thought I could connect with. Well, fuck me all over again mom ws right this guy was one of the worst! Found out he was married (after I slept with him 1 time).He treated me like a whore (which I'm not) he was all over me before - calling, texting, etc. Then after he stopped all communication. Now I know if I were normal I would chalk this fucker up to being a man with a big ass belly and no sex drive. But alas I have no self esteem, I am now taking his rejection as me benig you guessed it too fat, too ugly, too stupid. I've been suicidal my entire life. Now I'm older (yes I know I should know better) I have the emotional level of a 6 year old gee thanks Mom. This final straw has pushed me over the edge. I can't stop crying (real helpful at work). Bad timing too Christmas sucks for me without my child. I'm all alone have no family and I know thi smight be hard to believe no friends (who the fuck would want me as their friend?). I'm tired of just thinking of ctb I'm going to do it. I don't want to lvie in a world where I'm constantly being hurt. Pain is a constant companion (emotionally). I hate myself for doing what I did. I feel betrayed, used and kicked to the curb all the things Mom told me wuld happen. Okay I know this may sound like a pity party and maybe it is, but I am so fucked up. I hate him for hurting me this way. I didn't want marriage or a real commitment what I wanted ws for someone to treat me well for one night. I can't even look at myself in the mirror I'm filled with shame and regret. I honestly wish I was dead.

 

[Kit1]

I am so sorry for all you have been through and for how you are feeling - and those feels are valid and understandable. Have you ever tried therapy at all as it sounds like you have tried to give life a go..,

 

[Unattainable666]

I am so sorry for all you have been through and for how you are feeling - and those feels are valid and understandable. Have you ever tried therapy at all as it sounds like you have tried to give life a go..,

Where I live it takes over a year a r to see a therapist in order for me yo have any peace I have to ctb

 

[flightless bird]

i'm so sorry for all that you've been through what happened to your daughter?

 

[Unattainable666]

i'm so sorry for all that you've been through what happened to your daughter?

She was murdered

 

[gbi2]

It's not a pity party at all. It is fine to be concerned about yourself and want people to understand the reasons why. You are feeling what most other people would if they were in your shoes so don't feel bad for that at least. It is perfectly valid.

 

[ripberman]

Your post doesn't sound pathetic or like a "pity party." Parents are supposed to love and cherish their children, to fill their heads with confidence and self-esteem so that they can enter the world and flourish. When a parent feeds their child a steady stream of insults and abuse, that feeling of worthlessness is extremely pervasive.

All of this to say that it isn't shameful that you're struggling with your emotions and self-image. It isn't your fault, and I wish nothing but peace for you, whatever that may look like.

Lastly, I am also a woman who struggles with extreme negative self-talk and has relationship problems as a result, so feel free to DM if you need anything.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

I understand you. My mom is a narc too and I struggled with low self esteem my whole life. I dreamt about finding the right man and being happily married. My dream turned into a nightmare and now my whole life is ruined and done.

 

[Raindancer]

I am so sorry for what you have been through and are going through. You didn't deserve any of it. Words like that tear at our hearts and can become a self fulfilling prophecy. I wish parents knew how brutal saying things like that truly is and then is carried for a lifetime.

 

[Unattainable666]

I understand you. My mom is a narc too and I struggled with low self esteem my whole life. I dreamt about finding the right man and being happily married. My dream turned into a nightmare and now my whole life is ruined and done.

I'm so sorry it sounds as if we had the same witch for a mother. I often think of what and who I could have become if it hadnt been for her