Is there anyone here with all the preparations ready to go but procrastinating in moving ahead?

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

I have been unhappy for years. I spent my 20s and 30s working on myself but my happiness never changed despite my efforts. I also spent many years hyperfocused on various activities and studies trying to replace the sadness and loneliness hoping that at some point life would get better but it hasn't. If the activities were something considered bad or unhealthy such as excessive drinking/drugs clearly people would have something negative to say. However because they were activities perceived to be "productive" people didnt understand why I wasnt enjoying life; Or why overindulgence was a huge problem.

Now that I'm 40++ I've finally decided I've had enough. I just started packing up my apartment to prepare for the end. I'm having a problem because I feel like I should be as persistent about CTB as I have with other areas of my life but this is different. I dont think it has anything to do with SI.

My preference is to have a private anonymous death. I am hoping to execute instructions whereby my body would be cremated and only the local authorities are alerted (according to laws) without any family members tracked down or contacted. I have no contact with family and almost no friends. I am in the process of distancing myself from my last friend so that they have no idea about my end. I would love it if everyone thought I was off traveling alone in some distant land.

Is there anyone who is in this limbo state? If you got out of it and made a definitive decision to live or (better yet) die what was your catalyst?

 

[Alchemist]

Yeah, I have my SN and pills ready, I have no job, no relationships and nothing else to do, yet I'm still here chickening out.

 

[Hayalet]

Yes me, I'm scared from failed attempts. And I feel a little selfish cause I have kids..

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

Yeah, I have my SN and pills ready, I have no job, no relationships and nothing else to do, yet I'm still here chickening out.

Is it fear of death or just not willing to go forward? Im definitely not scared to die so its hard to process. But its weird to not be "ambitious" about it either.

I'm in the same boat as you. I hate TV etc. so I have nothing to occupy my time now. you would think that would make it easier to move forward and be productive about death.

What a pain!

 

[Mr2005]

I'm totally in limbo. I don't know what order to do things. It's not really something I'm looking forward to just what I feel has to be done. I've lived with it long enough. There's other loose ends I feel I have to tidy up and I just can't be bothered.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

Yes me, I'm scared from failed attempts. And I feel a little selfish cause I have kids..

I totally get it. Having kids is a real game changer. and if you are a woman its probably tougher b/c society guilts women into having to be damn near perfect for their children. Its tough feeling forced to live for someone else while being conflicted because you chose to create life.

Do you have any side affects from the failed attempts?

 

[Alchemist]

Is it fear of death or just not willing to go forward? Im definitely not scared to die so its hard to process. But its weird to not be "ambitious" about it either.

I'm in the same boat as you. I hate TV etc. so I have nothing to occupy my time now. you would think that would make it easier to move forward and be productive about death.

What a pain!

Just moving in any direction is hard, I don't even know how I manage to get everything. I just feel that I can't do anything.

 

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

My N2 tank is on standby, but I have yet to finish writing my notes: keep putting that part off.

 

[oopswronglife]

My N2 tank is on standby, but I have yet to finish writing my notes: keep putting that part off.

Good to see your name no longer crossed out.

 

[woxihuanni]

Yeah, I think people don't notice how frantic positive activity also shows exactly the same thing as depression. I have a friend with a crushing schedule and so many hobbies that I feel they are not in a better place than me. I just know peace does not look like that.

 

[Oblivion]

Just like i have failed in everything in life, i'm failing at this,had the SN since 9 months, 3 weeks ago got the remaining stuff, wanted to do it 2 weeks ago but i did something stupid which led to my friends knowing (my lack of focus is one of the main reasons why i wanna die, and this time it exposed me)
im just a fucking dumb piece of shit who doesn't have the courage to do it

 

[OverItAll]

For me, it's the opposite - it's only because I'm a lazy prick and *don't* have a method finalised that is keeping me here. If I had something ready to go, I'd be dead by now, most probably on a whim (when I'm having a particularly bad day).

Like today; if I had an exit bag and a canister of Nitrogen ready to rock, I'd be into it.

 

[k75]

I'm in limbo, and it's all my fault.

I'm in the process of packing my apartment, but I keep finding reasons to kind of stall. Even if it's just making a conscious decision to stay in bed. I'm easily overwhelmed these days, and none of this makes me feel any better, so it's just like another dreaded chore.

I was thinking about this today. I'd really like to just skip to the end where everything is nice and neat and there's nothing left to do, but that part also scares me. As tedious as this bit is, it's also safe and familiar. What comes after is scary and full of unknowns. I will have to make the hard choices, and I will be out of excuses. I do not deal with change well, even if it's something I want.

I am miserable and don't know what to do, or when, so the answer is usually do nothing and crawl back in bed.

But I know this can't go on forever. This is not sustainable.

 

[a_strange_day]

yes I have my N, no job , no friends, no irl interaction, no interest in anything anymore
but I'm just rotting away at home waiting for I dont know what, maybe some courage to take the final step
but it's ok now, I'm not in a hurry to do it, today, tomorrow or in a year what difference...

 

[woxihuanni]

I do not deal with change well, even if it's something I want.

This. Transitions suck.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

I'm in the process of packing my apartment, but I keep finding reasons to kind of stall. Even if it's just making a conscious decision to stay in bed. I'm easily overwhelmed these days, and none of this makes me feel any better, so it's just like another dreaded chore.

I am miserable and don't know what to do, or when, so the answer is usually do nothing and crawl back in bed.
...

But I know this can't go on forever. This is not sustainable.

Its funny you mention this. Thats exactly where I'm at. My place looks a mess.

I'm considering paying someone to pack. I cant really afford it but if I'm leaving and put it on a CC then who cares about having money to pay it back.

yes I have my N, no job , no friends, no irl interaction, no interest in anything anymore
but I'm just rotting away at home waiting for I dont know what, maybe some courage to take the final step
but it's ok now, I'm not in a hurry to do it, today, tomorrow or in a year what difference...

Have you tried anything in the realm of recovery at any point?

 

[Winter_Flower]

Yep, Just have a whole load of propranolol ready, adding more weekly for when the time comes x

 

[Wayfaerer]

I can't wait to have my method already prepared and waiting to go. To have that piece of mind knowing that you could go at any moment of your choosing. It must feel so liberating.

 

[Jumper]

I have everything set up. Just stalling on the practice of it. I put the noose around my neck (with facecloth padding), and leaned forward a bit, just as a "pre" practice. Gotta be more ambitious. I still have to update my notes.

 

[I screwed up]

I wonder how it feels to have ur preferred method ready and still not do it ... If I had my method ready and worked out ( mine is N) then I would not wait a single day more to go thru this misery ... I would be like good bye cruel world fu%$ u ... I m off . but I am not lucky enuf to have my plan all in place ready for the final move.

 

[SinisterKid]

After a recent bout of the most severe depression I have ever known, right now, compared to then, I am in a good place. I suspect that is because I have all I need now to go when and how I want to should that final decision be made. I am calmer, less anxious, more optimistic that there could be some kind of future. That could all come crashing down at any point in time. It could also continue for a long time to come.

So its not a case of procrastinating, more a temporary or possible permanent postponement. SN has a indefinite lifespan if stored correctly, so right now, I dont feel in any rush to make a decision that has implications for more than just myself.

 

[c824767]

I do not want to wait but I have 3 friends who are telling me to wait. If I do wait, my opportunity might pass. I am sort of energetic right now which is what I need to get ctb together. I live with one of my friends (because I screwed up I do not have my own place) so she will be impacted by this. I promised her to wait a year but I am pretty sure I do not want to. I am glad I have friends but essentially it is easier to leave when there is no one.

 

[woxihuanni]

I do not want to wait but I have 3 friends who are telling me to wait. If I do wait, my opportunity might pass. I am sort of energetic right now which is what I need to get ctb together. I live with one of my friends (because I screwed up I do not have my own place) so she will be impacted by this. I promised her to wait a year but I am pretty sure I do not want to. I am glad I have friends but essentially it is easier to leave when there is no one.

Can't you get a hotel room on a CC? You won't have to pay for it if you are dead. It is poor thanks to die on your friend.

 

[c824767]

Can't you get a hotel room on a CC? You won't have to pay for it if you are dead. It is poor thanks to die on your friend.

It's terrible to die on my friend. In addition, her 21 year old daughter accidentally overdosed last November. She is a single mom and has another daughter who lives here. I still have money. I do not want to wait for my money to run out to ctb. I really want my friend to inherit the remainder of the money. She has a big mortgage. My other friend said he will come with me on a vacation and do it there with a rental car to make it easier on her. My method is driving my vehicle from a boat ramp in the middle of the night into the water.

 

[woxihuanni]

It's terrible to die on my friend. In addition, her 21 year old daughter accidentally overdosed last November. She is a single mom and has another daughter who lives here. I still have money. I do not want to wait for my money to run out to ctb. I really want my friend to inherit the remainder of the money. She has a big mortgage. My other friend said he will come with me on a vacation and do it there with a rental car to make it easier on her. My method is driving my vehicle from a boat ramp in the middle of the night into the water.

I hope it goes as you wish and in a way that brings you peace. I'm sorry life has brought you to this.