is there any way to stop suicidal ideations?

[Jeebo5021]

I've had suicidal ideations since I was a kid on and off. Now they are getting to be almost constant for the past two months. Inescapable and demanding. It's like they are demanding me to kill myself. Shoving it in my face, that I don't belong, that I'm worthless. That people are laughing at me and frustrated with me. Though I'm stuck since I've only got unreliable methods on hand. I wish that cutting your wrists was like in the movies. Then I could lie in the bathtub and the hot water could make the blood flow and I'd finally be away from this pain. It would be so easy, that's if it worked.

 

[Major Tom]

Took all the hardships and turned it into spite, until the void hit me again.

I've had suicidal ideations since I was a kid on and off. Now they are getting to be almost constant for the past two months. Inescapable and demanding. It's like they are demanding me to kill myself. Shoving it in my face, that I don't belong, that I'm worthless. That people are laughing at me and frustrated with me. Though I'm stuck since I've only got unreliable methods on hand. I wish that cutting your wrists was like in the movies. Then I could lie in the bathtub and the hot water could make the blood flow and I'd finally be away from this pain. It would be so easy, that's if it worked.

Do u have passive or active suicidal ideation?

 

[Ozzyno]

I've had suicidal ideations since I was a kid on and off. Now they are getting to be almost constant for the past two months. Inescapable and demanding. It's like they are demanding me to kill myself. Shoving it in my face, that I don't belong, that I'm worthless. That people are laughing at me and frustrated with me. Though I'm stuck since I've only got unreliable methods on hand. I wish that cutting your wrists was like in the movies. Then I could lie in the bathtub and the hot water could make the blood flow and I'd finally be away from this pain. It would be so easy, that's if it worked.

Having a good life helps. Having people appreciating you helps.

 

[LapseInTime]

Maybe antidepressants can lighten the load, perhaps they may work for you? Anyhow, maybe try to rest and keep calm as much as possible, literally living in my own thoughts helps me sometimes. My cat's what keeps me "going", at least for now. Distracting oneself is a must, maybe give into that one silly impulse you may have, try to fix something, watch a movie even if its death-centered. Writing my 1000th suicide note helps, I find it gives me a way to "vent" even though ctb may not be in my very immediate plans.

 

[Jeebo5021]

Took all the hardships and turned it into spite, until the void hit me again.


Do u have passive or active suicidal ideation?

Hi Major Tom I'm not sure how you would classify it. I really want to do it and I feel compelled to do it. But I have no means. I did have a plan of slashing my wrist until I read up on here how hard it is. I have visions in my head of slashing my wrist and the peace it brings me. And visions of a girl saying "do it, do it, end it". God it would feel so good just to live this evil world. I wish I could get SN as it's one of the most surefire ways.
LapseinTIme, I'm already on some of the strongest antidepressants. Lexapro 20mg, Mirtazapine 15mg, Lamotrigine 200 mgs, Seroquel 20 mgs i think . I could up the Lamotrigine by a bit. I also started taking oxycontin that use to be my deceased Fathers. That is to help me sleep. I've gone for that out of desperation since it's been so damn unbearable.
Like you, I've also got a cat who loves me and I can tell worries about me. If it wasn't for him, I woulda slashed my wrists anyway, just in the hope of being free from the pain.

 

[Major Tom]

Hi Major Tom I'm not sure how you would classify it. I really want to do it and I feel compelled to do it. But I have no means. I did have a plan of slashing my wrist until I read up on here how hard it is. I have visions in my head of slashing my wrist and the peace it brings me. And visions of a girl saying "do it, do it, end it". God it would feel so good just to live this evil world. I wish I could get SN as it's one of the most surefire ways.
LapseinTIme, I'm already on some of the strongest antidepressants. Lexapro 20mg, Mirtazapine 15mg, Lamotrigine 200 mgs, Seroquel 20 mgs i think . I could up the Lamotrigine by a bit. I also started taking oxycontin that use to be my deceased Fathers. That is to help me sleep. I've gone for that out of desperation since it's been so damn unbearable.
Like you, I've also got a cat who loves me and I can tell worries about me. If it wasn't for him, I woulda slashed my wrists anyway, just in the hope of being free from the pain.

Yea cuts alone would be unreliable. My plan is to use SN and cutting as a addition.

But don't act ctb impulse.

If u are 100% and want SN I recommend using precautions like Tails (system on a thump drive that vibes all data after use) and other anonymity tools.

Hope you get what you want and deserve.

 

[Jeebo5021]

SN is hard to get in Australia. Usually with intense suicide ideations they stopped after some weeks. This time though they are getting stronger and stronger. Like it is getting more and more logical. I'm talking to my psychologist tommorow and they will see what they can do.

 

[qw3rty259]

I don't see any problems with suicidal ideation as long as you don't act on it when you're not wanting to commit suicide. It's the same as consciously forcing yourself to not think about something. You won't success in that battle.

And it seems like you're talking more about your fears. Fears of being laughed at, fear of not belonging. Low self esteem. It's not suicidal thoughts it's rather fears that make you feel suicidal. You should work on the reason that caused you to feel this way.

And I think that the only way is to accept that you MIGHT be laughed at and stuff. Because you can't be loved by everyone. But that also doesn't mean that everyone perceive you that way.

 

[Jeebo5021]

I think that's a good point, The suicidal thoughts are in a way better than the trauma. The trauma of being just outside a room and hearing someone talk about you saying "and they say that I'm obsessed! and you know what else he did?". The trauma of people wanting to change you, when your a highly sensitive person saying "you need to work on that" instead of even trying to understand why I'm upset. The trauma of being told that I piss people off. Then the added trauma of being told that I just have to focus my energy on other things, that my being upset and traumatized isn't valid and is nothing. Suicidal thoughts somehow seem a lot better than that.

 

[Unspoken7612]

Unfortunately there is a bit of a paradoxical effect where trying to stop them makes them stronger.

Try to respond to your suicidal thoughts by simply having another thought which is "oh, I'm having suicidal ideation". This creates some distance between you and your thought. It probably won't make the thoughts go away, but it will make them slightly easier to handle.

Another option is to keep yourself distracted. Again, this can be difficult, especially when the thoughts are intense, or when everyday things trigger them.

 

[ThisGameIsOverrated]

It naturally happens when you either have hope for the future or so much gratitude for your current life that it feels worth living you can't force your mindset to change

 

[alltoomuch2]

Tbh my experience is that once you realise that ctb is a way out of suffering, you can never put that idea back in its box. It's always waiting for you in times of overwhelm. For ever.

 

[Emeralds]

I've had intense and suicidal thoughts too. I found it helps if I do something that engages my mind and requires my concentration. It doesn't make them go away completely but it distracts me. The suicidal thoughts are still there, but I've learned to push them to them to the back of my mind and not focus all of my attention on them. When I have suicidal thoughts, I acknowledge that I have them, but I no longer focus all of my attention on them. I keep doing whatever it is I'm doing even though the suicidal thoughts are still in the background. They have become less intense over time.

 

[Jeebo5021]

Thanks Game, and Emeralds and alltoomuch2 and unspoken. The thoughts are overwhelming and it seems so logical to ctb. It's such a welcoming thought too. Distracting does help slightly, I start feeling normal , until a trigger happens and they come back. The doctors are really hoping that a change of environment will help. To get away from the people who cause the trauma, who deny that they even caused it.

 

[vitbar]

I've had ideations for most of my life. It sounds like I went through similar to you: They got worse and more frequent until they were nearly constant and malevolent. The only thing that helped me was finding the right antidepressants. I still get ideations at times, but the tone is far milder / not so malevolent and forceful.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Adderall significantly helps me power through it, but when the ideation reaches a certain level, there's no stopping it.

 

[Jeebo5021]

It's so hard to explain as well. The feeling that you have to kill yourself. That you must do it, because you know that things will get worse. Because you know that it won't matter to some people if you live or die. That some people will be glad to see the back of you. You try to think of the people that you do matter to, try your damndest to cancel them out with the thoughts of the people who never gave up hope on you. It's one of the toughest battles a human can go through.

 

[Hollowman]

The only way they'll stop for me is when I'm dead.

 

[astonishedturnip]

Adderall significantly helps me power through it, but when the ideation reaches a certain level, there's no stopping it.

Same, but with Lexapro.

85% of the time it leaves me blissfully optimistic, happy, and resilient, and there's no ideation to be found. But that 15%, either because I'm PMSing or in a dip or I let myself "chase the rabbit" and go down a doomscroll death spiral... and it's nearly as bad as if I'm unmedicated.

 

[Jeebo5021]

Thanks. For that info astonished. I'm on Lexapro too, but it seems like it's not keeping up. I'm hoping that if it lasts much longer that the doctor will be able to do something else. Ideations themselves are exhausting.