Mart
eh
- Apr 27, 2019
- 95
TheDevilsAngel
LetMeFree
- Apr 22, 2019
- 768
If i could completely change everything in my head and my life, thrive and be happy then maybe i would want to live
ithappens
Live free or die
- Aug 9, 2018
- 159
If humans actually started caring about each other. Like, at all. Even a little bit.
If it was just one thing, I would have some hope and try again. But from smallest to biggest:
Functioning. I have no reason to live. Raised to simply serve & compensate for my parents. Too much adult responsibilities, dealing with my bitter/sad mom & anything that required English writing for my dad. My opinions about my own life, like what I like eating or even what my favorite color, were wrong. I wasn't allowed to make mistakes, either yelled at by mom or mocked my dad. I could do no right, even blamed and shamed whenever I got sick, like a cold or vomiting. Decades of that burned into my brain. My siblings treat me similarly. Odd how no therapists talked about complex trauma; maybe my issues weren't misinterpreting/cognitive dissonance, but that my family was toxic for me. Too late now; I'm shutdown. But let's assume I could overcome and function again...
Financially, I do have a decent retirement account, but I haven't worked in years and have ghosted everyone, so for references of previous work experience or networking, nada. Also if I ever got kicked out of my current place, I'd have to move out of my current city. For awhile, that's do-able. But then...
Physically, my knee is bad, my eyesight is bad, I'm missing an organ, and eventually, I will lose grip in my right arm. And lordy, if Obamacare no longer covers pre-existing conditions. I've had a $100K+ bill. More than one, in fact. But I've dealt with health problems and medical bills, so let's say I overcome. But then...
Socially. Can't really open up about my implosion and suicidal ideation to all the people I've ghosted, so I'm starting over by myself from scratch. Inferiority + perfectionistic complex is stressful. I can't really read when people are treating me badly or using me; even lying I only catch because of logic. It's hard to do everything on my own. But let's say I overcome and do meetup and hobbies again without stress and find friends who don't take advantage of me or bail. But then...
Love/Intimacy. I feel like I'm a robot, meant only to do adult tasks. It's impossible to live like that. I want someone to love me, accept me, stop yelling at me. But then intimacy usually requires sex. My mom would tell me how wrong sex is, how all men are dogs. Logically, I know differently; emotionally, I'm still confused. Let's say I overcome that. I was molested by my eldest sister, whom I still have to see at family gatherings, so flashbacks. Kills the mood. But lets say I get rid of flashbacks. What's left is too much porn. But I was desperate for any sort of intimacy and connection. Porn easy and good because I could say no whenever I wanted to, no guilt or obligation. No shame or ridicule about anything, whether what I like is boring or bizarre. And instead of taking drugs, it makes me fall asleep. I'd replace it with a real person if I could, but that's easier said than done.
So one thing...it's so many.
Functioning. I have no reason to live. Raised to simply serve & compensate for my parents. Too much adult responsibilities, dealing with my bitter/sad mom & anything that required English writing for my dad. My opinions about my own life, like what I like eating or even what my favorite color, were wrong. I wasn't allowed to make mistakes, either yelled at by mom or mocked my dad. I could do no right, even blamed and shamed whenever I got sick, like a cold or vomiting. Decades of that burned into my brain. My siblings treat me similarly. Odd how no therapists talked about complex trauma; maybe my issues weren't misinterpreting/cognitive dissonance, but that my family was toxic for me. Too late now; I'm shutdown. But let's assume I could overcome and function again...
Financially, I do have a decent retirement account, but I haven't worked in years and have ghosted everyone, so for references of previous work experience or networking, nada. Also if I ever got kicked out of my current place, I'd have to move out of my current city. For awhile, that's do-able. But then...
Physically, my knee is bad, my eyesight is bad, I'm missing an organ, and eventually, I will lose grip in my right arm. And lordy, if Obamacare no longer covers pre-existing conditions. I've had a $100K+ bill. More than one, in fact. But I've dealt with health problems and medical bills, so let's say I overcome. But then...
Socially. Can't really open up about my implosion and suicidal ideation to all the people I've ghosted, so I'm starting over by myself from scratch. Inferiority + perfectionistic complex is stressful. I can't really read when people are treating me badly or using me; even lying I only catch because of logic. It's hard to do everything on my own. But let's say I overcome and do meetup and hobbies again without stress and find friends who don't take advantage of me or bail. But then...
Love/Intimacy. I feel like I'm a robot, meant only to do adult tasks. It's impossible to live like that. I want someone to love me, accept me, stop yelling at me. But then intimacy usually requires sex. My mom would tell me how wrong sex is, how all men are dogs. Logically, I know differently; emotionally, I'm still confused. Let's say I overcome that. I was molested by my eldest sister, whom I still have to see at family gatherings, so flashbacks. Kills the mood. But lets say I get rid of flashbacks. What's left is too much porn. But I was desperate for any sort of intimacy and connection. Porn easy and good because I could say no whenever I wanted to, no guilt or obligation. No shame or ridicule about anything, whether what I like is boring or bizarre. And instead of taking drugs, it makes me fall asleep. I'd replace it with a real person if I could, but that's easier said than done.
So one thing...it's so many.
JadedGray
Life Eternal
- Jul 24, 2018
- 991
If I could completely change myself and be given a time machine so that I could start over as a different person. Then again I don't much like this world, so even if things went well it would inevitably lead me back to feeling the need to CTB.
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