How do you know when it's time to go? Is there a certain moment when you realise you just don't deserve to live, or does it creep up on you gradually?
When does your anger at the world turn onto yourself when you realise you were never 'mistreated', but treated exactly the way you should have been, because you're nothing?
I keep ruining everything. I've been going in circles for years. blaming myself then blaming others for making me blame myself. In truth, I always knew it was me. I was born bad and all I do is bad. Everything that comes out of my mouth is venom meant to hurt everyone the way I hurt. Then I'm surprised when there's nobody left.
I keep plodding along in this life waiting for somebody and something. Nothing, and nobody, is coming.
I feel like it's me against the world. I was always angry at the way there was nobody in my corner, nobody willing to fight for me, but what's there to fight for. I don't have any talent, or the personality to make up for the lack of skill. I'm not kind, or loveable. I just hurt people. But I don't say this for pity. I say it because it's the truth. Some of us are just mistakes, incapable of being a decent human being, of a person people want to be around.
I just have this switch that makes me flip. I think everyone's trying to hurt me, or wore, that they're indifferent. I used to wish people knew the real me, who was kind and funny and caring and ambitious and thoughtful. Now I realise that all of those times were the anomaly. The times where I turn nasty are not a turn, but a return to my true self. I know people hate me, but nobody does more than I hate myself. I think that's where some of the anger at everyone else comes from. I'm so angry and drowning in this self hatred that I want everyone to share in the pain, but what I realised too late was that it doesn't make my pain any less. In fact it makes it even greater. There's no joy in making other people suffer, so then there's no point in me being around. It's all I have to offer.
Everything's just too much.
I never fully understood what people meant when they said they were 'disillusioned'. How can you feel that world-weary? Surely there's something to cling on to. But I think I get it now.
The reason I started this thread today was because of something that happened today. I took out my frustrations and anger on a professional, someone who was just trying to help. I kept on going and going the whole day. Then I was told by someone else (their boss) that the person I'd harassed the whole day had suffered a bereavement. I've already explained the guilt I feel on a daily basis so there's no need to try and convey how I felt then. But it wasn't just the person who I had been unkind to that got to me. It was the person who told me about the bereavement and spoke on his behalf. It was this passive aggressive tone that subtly told me to back off. I thought how great it is that they have someone looking out for them, batting away the parasites like myself. I would hope they know I wouldn't ever want to add to the pain of grief, and I sent my apologies. But there are only so many times people will accept 'sorry' before it becomes redundant. But that's all I have left, so I'm sorry - to everyone I've ever hurt, however many times, whether through my actions or my words. I know how to put it right. I'll be at peace, but my peace also means your peace.
When does your anger at the world turn onto yourself when you realise you were never 'mistreated', but treated exactly the way you should have been, because you're nothing?
I keep ruining everything. I've been going in circles for years. blaming myself then blaming others for making me blame myself. In truth, I always knew it was me. I was born bad and all I do is bad. Everything that comes out of my mouth is venom meant to hurt everyone the way I hurt. Then I'm surprised when there's nobody left.
I keep plodding along in this life waiting for somebody and something. Nothing, and nobody, is coming.
I feel like it's me against the world. I was always angry at the way there was nobody in my corner, nobody willing to fight for me, but what's there to fight for. I don't have any talent, or the personality to make up for the lack of skill. I'm not kind, or loveable. I just hurt people. But I don't say this for pity. I say it because it's the truth. Some of us are just mistakes, incapable of being a decent human being, of a person people want to be around.
I just have this switch that makes me flip. I think everyone's trying to hurt me, or wore, that they're indifferent. I used to wish people knew the real me, who was kind and funny and caring and ambitious and thoughtful. Now I realise that all of those times were the anomaly. The times where I turn nasty are not a turn, but a return to my true self. I know people hate me, but nobody does more than I hate myself. I think that's where some of the anger at everyone else comes from. I'm so angry and drowning in this self hatred that I want everyone to share in the pain, but what I realised too late was that it doesn't make my pain any less. In fact it makes it even greater. There's no joy in making other people suffer, so then there's no point in me being around. It's all I have to offer.
Everything's just too much.
I never fully understood what people meant when they said they were 'disillusioned'. How can you feel that world-weary? Surely there's something to cling on to. But I think I get it now.
The reason I started this thread today was because of something that happened today. I took out my frustrations and anger on a professional, someone who was just trying to help. I kept on going and going the whole day. Then I was told by someone else (their boss) that the person I'd harassed the whole day had suffered a bereavement. I've already explained the guilt I feel on a daily basis so there's no need to try and convey how I felt then. But it wasn't just the person who I had been unkind to that got to me. It was the person who told me about the bereavement and spoke on his behalf. It was this passive aggressive tone that subtly told me to back off. I thought how great it is that they have someone looking out for them, batting away the parasites like myself. I would hope they know I wouldn't ever want to add to the pain of grief, and I sent my apologies. But there are only so many times people will accept 'sorry' before it becomes redundant. But that's all I have left, so I'm sorry - to everyone I've ever hurt, however many times, whether through my actions or my words. I know how to put it right. I'll be at peace, but my peace also means your peace.
