Help Is suicide the right solution for me?

[ScorpiusDragon]

Logically speaking, I feel like I should kill myself. I know that if I continue to live, I will numbly do work I don't care about for the next 50 years. Maybe I'll marry my boyfriend if he hasn't already broken up with me and distract myself from my feelings of isolation with any kids I may have.
If you ask people who know me, most people would think I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm 25 and I recently got into several highly competitive law schools in the USA. I'll admit I felt a moment of happiness when I first received the acceptance letters ("omg! This prestigious school wants me enough to give me a huge scholarship"), but once the initial thrill wore off, I realized it meant nothing.
I feel like I'm just passively letting life happen. I bought all the supplies for the SN method, so in theory, I could kill myself at any time. I'm alive because I haven't found the will to kill myself and make everything my boyfriend sacrificed for me (money, time, etc) go to waste. But essentially, I'm living for someone else. Not for me.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

But essentially, I'm living for someone else. Not for me.

I was in the same situation. I didn't realize it wasn't sustainable at the time, but after we separated it was obvious.

I don't know what the best practice here is. I'm young like yourself and i haven't had anyone older really advise me on this situation outside of the conventional, superficial advice.

Whatever it is, i think you have to act on it. If it is solving your suicidal ideation and getting you to a point where you see the purpose in living, then thats where you need to take it. Hesitation will just drag on the inevitable.

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

I think we can all agree that you shouldn't be asking anyone but yourself if you should die. I also believe that living for someone else is a huge risk (even though I've done it before and now they are gone). If you're going to die, you should die for yourself, and if you are going to live, you should live for yourself (: however there is NOTHING wrong with living for others and I'm not saying how you should feel but my point is that, if you have a good life ahead then why not try to see the purpose for living. And of course if you see no purpose then I'll support you on whatever path you take. I'm sorry for what you're going through, sending lots of love and support

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

It's entirely your choice. It's something you have to think long and hard about and decide what is for you. Hugs.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I think you might be suffering from FOG -- fear, obligation, and, guilt. Especially where your boyfriend is concerned.

It sounds to me as if you were not taught or allowed to have boundaries and be autonomous. Were either of your parents controlling? Don't have to answer. It seems like you're planning for things others expected and wanted for you -- kids and law school. How can you be enthusiastic about someone else's life? Perhaps that's why ctb is coming up as an option, to end the life of someone else that you're living.

Forgive me if I'm off. Not trying to define your self for you. I suspect you may have gotten enough of that already.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

I think you might be suffering from FOG -- fear, obligation, and, guilt. Especially where your boyfriend is concerned.

It sounds to me as if you were not taught or allowed to have boundaries and be autonomous. Were either of your parents controlling? Don't have to answer. It seems like you're planning for things others expected and wanted for you -- kids and law school. How can you be enthusiastic about someone else's life? Perhaps that's why ctb is coming up as an option, to end the life of someone else that you're living.

Forgive me if I'm off. Not trying to define your self for you. I suspect you may have gotten enough of that already.

Yes my parents were very controlling. They tried to plan and control my life before I cut contact.

 

[Musketeer]

Logically speaking, I feel like I should kill myself. I know that if I continue to live, I will numbly do work I don't care about for the next 50 years. Maybe I'll marry my boyfriend if he hasn't already broken up with me and distract myself from my feelings of isolation with any kids I may have.
If you ask people who know me, most people would think I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm 25 and I recently got into several highly competitive law schools in the USA. I'll admit I felt a moment of happiness when I first received the acceptance letters ("omg! This prestigious school wants me enough to give me a huge scholarship"), but once the initial thrill wore off, I realized it meant nothing.
I feel like I'm just passively letting life happen. I bought all the supplies for the SN method, so in theory, I could kill myself at any time. I'm alive because I haven't found the will to kill myself and make everything my boyfriend sacrificed for me (money, time, etc) go to waste. But essentially, I'm living for someone else. Not for me.

I will be turning 25 here shortly and i feel the same way, do i want to be a wage slave or would i rather die. Working and existing within this society is a meaningless en devour. I have no hopes that it will get better with almost 8 billion people we are just cogs in the machine if we break down we get replaced. If you end up finding meaning in your life i wish you well, however i doubt i ever will, I'm just in the ride for a few good moments before i slip into ultimate despair. When my pain becomes so unbearable i finally do it. I have thought about it long and hard, went through intense meditations and visualizations as to what it will be like. even attempted to kill myself before the branch i tied the noose around fell (i took that as a sign i was not meant to at that time). i hope to finally ctb within the next 2 years. I might post what my attempt was like and specifically what i felt physically and emotionally.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

I will be turning 25 here shortly and i feel the same way, do i want to be a wage slave or would i rather die. Working and existing within this society is a meaningless en devour. I have no hopes that it will get better with almost 8 billion people we are just cogs in the machine if we break down we get replaced. If you end up finding meaning in your life i wish you well, however i doubt i ever will, I'm just in the ride for a few good moments before i slip into ultimate despair. When my pain becomes so unbearable i finally do it. I have thought about it long and hard, went through intense meditations and visualizations as to what it will be like. even attempted to kill myself before the branch i tied the noose around fell (i took that as a sign i awns;t meant to at that time). i hope to finally ctb within the next 2 years. I might post what my attempt was like and specifically what i felt physically and emotionally.

how did it feel as you were hanging? painful? if yes, how long did the pain last?
I also bought a rope, but I failed partial and I could never find the guts to do full suspension.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Yes my parents were very controlling. They tried to plan and control my life before I cut contact.

I'm so sorry you went through that. My parents were very controlling, we have no contact.

If you're interested, here's a resource thread I posted. See the first comment after the OP for a book about controlling parents that I found liberating. If you're not interested, no sweat.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resources-for-learning-boundaries.30500/

 

[140 bpm]

It's absolutely your choice and only you can count reasons to do it or not... but is "normal life" your only issue? Like get degree, work in law field, have family- is that perspectives gets you down ? If you just bored with your life , it's still a lot of time to find real interests and things getting you excited.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

It's absolutely your choice and only you can count reasons to do it or not... but is "normal life" your only issue? Like get degree, work in law field, have family- is that perspectives gets you down ? If you just bored with your life , it's still a lot of time to find real interests and things getting you excited.

everything just feels pointless. Just living in constant isolation with no IRL friends, except for my boyfriend. I know some people would probably advise me to go out more and meet new people, but I lost interest in that. I feel like I constantly have to put on a social facade in front of most people I meet and be careful not to seem too weird.

 

[Musketeer]

how did it feel as you were hanging? painful? if yes, how long did the pain last?
I also bought a rope, but I failed partial and I could never find the guts to do full suspension.

probably because i had Adrenalin pumping through my system it was not painful at all i couldn't breath and passed out within seconds

 

[140 bpm]

everything just feels pointless. Just living in constant isolation with no IRL friends, except for my boyfriend. I know some people would probably advise me to go out more and meet new people, but I lost interest in that. I feel like I constantly have to put on a social facade in front of most people I meet and be careful not to seem too weird.

I understand your feelings. I used to be very opened person, had a lot of friends and was always up to go party, but a lot of things changed in last two years and now I live in complete isolation and have 0 willing in getting known new people or even have small talks with strangers. When I have any random dialogue with someone, the only thing I have in my mind is "god, when I can get out from here" (and I don't believe in god).
But still , answering your main question - I don't think that CTB is right choice for you. You just asking yourself what's the point ? There's no meaning in life, it just goes. And if you don't have pain , struggles or some bad skeletons in your closet, why you just won't give it some more time to see a dolphin on horizon and get an excited ride? (If you can't swim , it'll be done anyway, cuz I think it's pretty hard to hold on dolphin back...they are slick motherfuckers).

 

[Musketeer]

I understand your feelings. I used to be very opened person, had a lot of friends and was always up to go party, but a lot of things changed in last two years and now I live in complete isolation and have 0 willing in getting known new people or even have small talks with strangers. When I have any random dialogue with someone, the only thing I have in my mind is "god, when I can get out from here" (and I don't believe in god).
But still , answering your main question - I don't think that CTB is right choice for you. You just asking yourself what's the point ? There's no meaning in life, it just goes. And if you don't have pain , struggles or some bad skeletons in your closet, why you just won't give it some more time to see a dolphin on horizon and get an excited ride? (If you can't swim , it'll be done anyway, cuz I think it's pretty hard to hold on dolphin back...they are slick motherfuckers).

honestly it's just a constant boredom, nothing just seems to interest me, nothing seems to really hook me in. My emotions are all but gone, and i don't even get the "
"happy chemical anymore" i have tried drugs but they don't work. With stagnation comes death weather at my own hands or not. If i'm gonna go anyways might as well be by my own hands. i have a few more tricks i wanna try but if they don't work fuck it. kill myself, there will be darkness and peace.

 

[TAW122]

Only you can decide if it is the right decision for you and your circumstances. I hope you find peace in whether continuing to live or to CTB.

 

[GottaGo]

It sounds like we are in similar situation. I too am a 20 sth years old. I finished engineering school and had the whole life ahead of me. But I felt life is so pointless. For many others life is harsh and they can barely get by but for me, I know I can take care of myself financially and everything if I want to, I just don't have the will to do so. I just don't want to do anything. I don't socialize and I barely leave my room. Most of the time what I feel is just constant numbness.
My current solution is to write stories and make art. I write novels about imaginary people who shares my personal traits and similar backstories and I write out their futures and adventures. It helps, maybe you can try it.
Also maybe try exercising. I started to force myself to go to the gym three times per week and it helps as well :), especially having a small goal in mind like running a half marathon in 6 months.
I won't lie to you, most days still feel pointless and the little goals don't help, but some other days, I feel better and I have the energy to keep going. I guess I still have a bit of energy in me that I wish I can shared with others. Eventually your life is in your hands, I wish the best for you no matter what you decide❤

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

By buying the ingredients for the SN method you've created what I call an exit button.
It is now time to let go of the fucks.
This is a bit more difficult, admittedly. I've always preached for voluntary assisted death for this exact reason: letting go of the fucks.
What I believe would happen if vad was to be accepted globally is that first the so called weaker population would rush to death, but then a curious turn of events happens: people run out of fucks to give.
Why not try living happily if you have death lined up as backup?

Let's use your law school example. Let's also imagine you weren't accepted. Is law the only thing that interests you? The ONE AND ONLY, SINGLE THING? Probably not. You haven't tried every single thing this world has to offer. What if you like cooking or... I don't know, making shoes, or music, or whatever the fuck more?
Is your boyfriend THE boyfriend? With the population of humanity somewhere around 8,000,000,000, you can probably find someone as good if not better.
Do you even need a boyfriend? Why not girlfriend?
The internet is now showing crazy peoeple marrying budings and planes. Have you fucked a building?
I have no idea how fucking a building would work out, especially a woman fucking a hiding because I don't have the necessary... uh... equipment, let's call it.

As I said, you now have an exit button. At any given moment you can declare "fuck it!" and press it. Well, eat it. Ok, ok, DRINK it. You've got a gigantic rock to explore, and if the worst of the worst happens? Fuck it, you've got the exit button right here.
Now go forth, let go of your fucks and explore!
Google tells me you have 510.1 million square kilometers of exploring to do.

 

[goomsoom]

No one else can make the decision for you. To me life feels like an endless journey, I have traveled as far as I wanted to. Everything feels temporary, pointless, nothing lasts.

 

[Nnana]

I wonder why some people in this forum still think about having kids. Life is hell enough, don't impose it on somebody else.

 

[randomz]

Logically speaking, I feel like I should kill myself. I know that if I continue to live, I will numbly do work I don't care about for the next 50 years. Maybe I'll marry my boyfriend if he hasn't already broken up with me and distract myself from my feelings of isolation with any kids I may have.
If you ask people who know me, most people would think I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm 25 and I recently got into several highly competitive law schools in the USA. I'll admit I felt a moment of happiness when I first received the acceptance letters ("omg! This prestigious school wants me enough to give me a huge scholarship"), but once the initial thrill wore off, I realized it meant nothing.
I feel like I'm just passively letting life happen. I bought all the supplies for the SN method, so in theory, I could kill myself at any time. I'm alive because I haven't found the will to kill myself and make everything my boyfriend sacrificed for me (money, time, etc) go to waste. But essentially, I'm living for someone else. Not for me.

As others have said before me - you must live and/or die only because you want it to.

I would advice you to think about your career in law though - It's not for everyone and you really gotta love what you do or else you risk failing miserably and everyone knowing you as an incompetent idiot. This does not help self esteem. Law is a job for those who can give 100% of themselves to it and devote their lives to it. If they want to be happy and successfull, that is.

I am speaking from personal experience - I have garduated law shool a year ago and have been lucky enough to find a well paying law job in my hometown. That being said - I am so depressed right now because I work at a job which, as I realised, is not the one I am passioned about that I am constantly failing tasks and thinking about suicide almost 24/7.
Problem is, I gave all my time and commitment to studying it so now I don't know what I am gonna do if I quit my current job (or get fired, which is also a possiblity).

On the bright side - my brother is also in Law (and work in the same firm as me) he loves it and is really successfull and happy with his life. To each their own I guess.

P.S TO answer your question directly - I don't think suicide is the solution for you. I'd say live a bit more and see where life takes you :)

 

[Kikoo Loool]

If you need help, you can reach out me at any time