Is recovery even possible if you’ve been suicidal for most of your life?

[Circles]

I'm just so overwhelmed with recovery that I'm honestly thinking of giving up at this point because I'm so tired of pretending to be something I'm not. I've been suicidal for over half my fucking life man. Like can any normal person understand the sheer gravity of how of deep that can fuck with someone???? Like I went to a therapist twice over a month ago and while I made the point across about me being suicidal for that long I don't think he understood just how bad something like that can make recovery seem impossible. Like what can I even do? I'm just so lost and feel so beaten down by my own life that I just don't see a way out. I know recovery is a process. I know I need to take one step at a time. I know I need to try to believe in myself more. But god fucking damnit I'm just so fucking over it already I want to scream. I just want to die. And as much as I want to recover, the very fact is is that I just want to die. That's all I really want but I'm too much of a coward to go through with it still despite me being like this for years. I don't even know if I want to really recover anymore cause I just feel so hopeless no matter what I do. Cause to me hope is too scary of a thing to deal with alone. Sorry now I'm just rambling. Just whatever.

 

[Dizzylady80]

It sounds insurmountable, but it is possible after that long. I've known people who've recovered after being suicidal their whole life

 

[OctoberDusk]

I can at least say that I first seriously contemplated suicide when I was 12. The thoughts have emerged from time to time since, but I learned to manage them, go for long times without them, and even find enjoyment in life for long whiles. I'm well into my 50s now, so if not quite recovery it's at least a long remission. As for my being here now, it's mostly preparing, as I'm getting older, don't want to burden when my health starts failing, and hope to exit with my faculties intact.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I'm just so overwhelmed with recovery that I'm honestly thinking of giving up at this point because I'm so tired of pretending to be something I'm not.

What exactly are you pretending to be?

 

[Al Cappella]

Short answer = no. For one thing, recovery is probably the wrong word. You can recover from a broken bone, or a cold, migraine even, but something that's been in play for a long time—like ideations, etc—with that a better word is manage.

I know in my case I will have suicidal ideations for as long as I live, so the best I can do is manage. They're just thoughts now, with no emotional attachment whatsoever. I've been working bloody hard on impulse control, so that they stay thoughts. Thoughts are no big deal.

But even there, it's no guarantee that tomorrow the wheels don't come off. They well might, and that's ok too. The nice thing is that the idea of management takes the pressure off.

 

[motel rooms]

Short answer = no. For one thing, recovery is probably the wrong word. You can recover from a broken bone, or a cold, migraine even, but something that's been in play for a long time—like ideations, etc—with that a better word is manage.

I know in my case I will have suicidal ideations for as long as I live, so the best I can do is manage. They're just thoughts now, with no emotional attachment whatsoever. I've been working bloody hard on impulse control, so that they stay thoughts. Thoughts are no big deal.

But even there, it's no guarantee that tomorrow the wheels don't come off. They well might, and that's ok too. The nice thing is that the idea of management takes the pressure off.

Yeah, people need to overcome this all-or-nothing way of thinking about recovery.

 

[Circles]

What exactly are you pretending to be?

Like I've been suicidal for so long that being anything other than that feels different or like I'm pretending to be something I'm not. Recovery feels strange.

 

[natali4]

I probably understand what you're going through. I've been suicidal as long as I can remember. Recovery is hard and sometimes it would be nice if universe gave me a fucking break. I guess others are right, we just have to accept the fact that there is no recovery, people just learn to manage their pain.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I can at least say that I first seriously contemplated suicide when I was 12. The thoughts have emerged from time to time since, but I learned to manage them, go for long times without them, and even find enjoyment in life for long whiles. I'm well into my 50s now, so if not quite recovery it's at least a long remission. As for my being here now, it's mostly preparing, as I'm getting older, don't want to burden when my health starts failing, and hope to exit with my faculties intact.

I just want to congratulate you for turning your life around. You must be proud of yourself and I imagine it wasn't easy at all. I just wish life wasn't as hard and unfair as it is for some people. Take care. I wish you the best :)

I'm just so overwhelmed with recovery that I'm honestly thinking of giving up at this point because I'm so tired of pretending to be something I'm not. I've been suicidal for over half my fucking life man. Like can any normal person understand the sheer gravity of how of deep that can fuck with someone???? Like I went to a therapist twice over a month ago and while I made the point across about me being suicidal for that long I don't think he understood just how bad something like that can make recovery seem impossible. Like what can I even do? I'm just so lost and feel so beaten down by my own life that I just don't see a way out. I know recovery is a process. I know I need to take one step at a time. I know I need to try to believe in myself more. But god fucking damnit I'm just so fucking over it already I want to scream. I just want to die. And as much as I want to recover, the very fact is is that I just want to die. That's all I really want but I'm too much of a coward to go through with it still despite me being like this for years. I don't even know if I want to really recover anymore cause I just feel so hopeless no matter what I do. Cause to me hope is too scary of a thing to deal with alone. Sorry now I'm just rambling. Just whatever.

I'm so sorry for your suffering. Life is really unfair and hard. I agree with what other members have said. If you could manage those thoughts it would be a great step. I hope things get better for you. Regardless what happens, I wish you the best. Also, feel free to pm me if you want to talk about anything and anytime :)

 

[OctoberDusk]

I just want to congratulate you for turning your life around. You must be proud of yourself and I imagine it wasn't easy at all. I just wish life wasn't as hard and unfair as it is for some people. Take care. I wish you the best :)

I'm so sorry for your suffering. Life is really unfair and hard. I agree with what other members have said. If you could manage those thoughts it would be a great step. I hope things get better for you. Regardless what happens, I wish you the best. Also, feel free to pm me if you want to talk about anything and anytime :)

Thank you. It's odd to receive congratulations or think of it that way--perhaps as I never told anyone about my struggles with severe depression and suicidal ideation--but I appreciate it.

I think of it as managing. I found things that helped, like working towards something I didn't want to leave unfinished, finding things on which to focus, small achievements/accomplishments, and the like. Outlets have greatly helped, especially writing and music, trying to pour what I was feeling into words or sound. And while it seems a silly, small thing, I am surprised how much a healthier diet and activity level lessened my depression. I wish I'd learned that much earlier in life.

I've gotten close at times, though, enough to scare me, as I grew up around and have access to my most probable means. One was prevented by thinking of someone having to clean up the mess.

Dealing with the aftermath of my cousin's suicide had an impact, especially as she was the only relative I connected with.

Thanks again. I hope you're managing.

 

[western_heart]

For me, "yes?" with a question mark. I have not recovered from being suicidal, but I have overcome many of my circumstances... recovered from past traumas and addictions and other unhealthy behaviors.

Passive ideation is safer but more harmful because it means I'm probably passive about other things in my life. The closer I get to suicide, I theoretically get closer to recovery too... if I can motivate and energize myself to figure out a method and make plans to use it, I can probably motivate myself to get better too. If I make enough money I can do suicide better (e.g. easier more comfortable method, location of my choosing, arrangements to make my passing easier for others)

Brings me to where I am now - employed for the first time in years, yet everything feels precarious, I got a promotion recently just as I felt I was about to get fired, the place I live is becoming actively hostile to my existence, but it's cheap and I have the opportunity to afford some place safer in the medium term. On paper everything is great. Yet I think about suicide every day and have a method ready (literally sitting on the floor of my office, within arms reach of where I am typing this post).

And then there's the repeated trauma of attempts and near-attempts, obtaining then disposing of methods, difficult conversations with gf, etc.

The way I see it, my recovery is going from being suicidal 80% of the time with 2% chance of doing it in a given year, to suicidal less than half the time, but with a much greater chance of succeeding should I attempt. I'm embracing instability.

 

[ablmnop]

It sounds insurmountable, but it is possible after that long. I've known people who've recovered after being suicidal their whole life

Do you know how they did it?

I can at least say that I first seriously contemplated suicide when I was 12. The thoughts have emerged from time to time since, but I learned to manage them, go for long times without them, and even find enjoyment in life for long whiles. I'm well into my 50s now, so if not quite recovery it's at least a long remission. As for my being here now, it's mostly preparing, as I'm getting older, don't want to burden when my health starts failing, and hope to exit with my faculties intact.

Can you share how you got to the place you're at now?