...
crippled with grief
- Nov 8, 2021
- 335
Hiya friends. Relatively new here. Been lurking for a few weeks before. Selected this thread as help because of the title and purpose but it is also my story of why I am here/venting.
So basically does anyone have any thoughts on my note for my ex-girlfriend? I plan to schedule emails for after people learn of my death. I say emails plural but it is only her and my parents. My parents one is just boring I am sorry stuff which I felt obligated to do. But with my ex I have a drive to write one just out of anger, pain and hatred really. Yet at the same time I do really love and care for her still so I don't want it to ruin her life. In all honesty I don't think she will care too much but don't want to come across as evil at the same time. Want the fine line between expressing my anger but not being cruel.
Context/story: - I am a uni student. Have always had awful anxiety. Always had small social circles but had a number of girlfriends before. Can only really open up to one person at a time. Had as many romantic relationships as I have had normal friends probably. This time though was different. This woman was the one and fed me a load of promises about how she was going to grow old with me and have my children etc. I believed it. We were so similar in every aspect of character. We both relied on each other heavily for emotional comfort. She is the first to be introduced to my family. We met during covid, and when everything opened up she suddenly relied on me less. Said - knowing full well about my social anxieties - that I should get out there more and it is a requirement of hers that her boyfriend has friends. She becomes distant with me whilst simultaneously texting a new guy mate all day every day sending me into panic. Then says we should go on a break to grow as people on our own. Says she feels bad because I've done nothing wrong. Then basically baits me into slipping up over the coming weeks and then dumps me. Broke my fucking heart. Was paralysed for ages then decided I would kill myself. Went to Beachy Head but the chaplains stopped me. Then tried an overdose of sleeping tablets a week later (before I knew anything about this website. She knows about both attempts. Because I am pathetic I keep trying to get her to talk to me. She mostly ignores me except from the minimum required to keep me from ending myself. Then I decide to not reach out to her for a few days and then go see her in person (we share private accommodation). It was my birthday so I used that as an excuse. It had been a while so fed her bullshit that I had been through intense counselling and that it had fixed me and I was now back to normal. Gave her a bunch of presents to say sorry and expressed how I loved her still. She said it is too much to process so I said we will focus on your mental health for now and I won't talk to you unless you reach out to me. Said I would briefly return between the 17th-20 December to collect my things should she want to see me then. Decided to give her until January to save my life but obviously I do not expect that to happen.
Anyway this is the draft:
"I am speaking to you from the past when I was alive. Hello future you. Apologies for not being there and no longer existing.
If you are reading this, it either means that I am dead or that I forgot to cancel the scheduled email. Hopefully, it is the former because that would be hella awkward especially as this is a bit cringe. If the latter I imagine you have probably heard the news already and I am sorry. I set a date for the Sunday 16th of January for things to turn around. It is Thursday the 11th of November 2021 as I write this. I am leaving it for fate to decide and in the meantime, I plan to keep myself busy with the gym, searching for work, and sorting out the tenancy. I scheduled this for the Wednesday after I die, so you have a couple of days to receive the news. I am thinking about whether this would be the first time something brings your life to a halt, and you just pause for a second. Maybe you have cancelled your plans for today and have just stayed in the house like most people do when they grieve. But then again, I can also imagine that you haven't, and you are at Uni right now. Maybe you have just finished with a Uni netball match or are on the coach to or from an away game. You have probably still managed to put a smile on for an Instagram story or updated your fitness account. I know you say you deal with things by keeping busy but to this magnitude I would hope I was important enough in your life to actually cause you to be too sad to do anything for at least a few days. I know you were certainly important enough for me to cause me to be paralysed and too depressed to do anything for quite some time after I was grieving from the breakup – god knows what I would do if you had actually died. But then again I imagine I haven't made that much of dent in your life right now. Maybe I am no longer that important anymore. I mean I guess that is why I am so accepting of ending my life because it is not as though it will dent or hold back your life too much. It is why we broke up in the first place. I was surplus to requirements. In the first year when your social circle was small and you needed comfort during covid I provided it but this year where you have other people I was no longer needed. I was no longer good enough. It no longer "felt natural" as you said. Fair enough, I mean I am a fucking depressive, boring, fairly ugly, loser. Why would you or anyone spend time with me if you actually have other people as options. You might come up with the excuse that you did not have time but deep down it is because you did not want to be with me. People make time for those they want to. You made time for others. You wanted to avoid me.
And if you are reading this it means it carried on that way. You went back home for Christmas before the 17th ofDecember – avoiding my brief and final return. And you have recently returned back to Uni before the start of term and have still not reached out to me. Your messages throughout this period have been minimal if present at all, and you have pretty much gone with the intention to forget about me.
But it is not as though that is a sin. You are able to choose whoever you want to be in your life. I am not good enough to be in yours and that is fine. But I am also free to feel the pain from that. Which I do ever so much. It hurts so much because you were the love of my life. I believed we would grow old together. It was set in my mind that I would only leave you when I die and I cannot shake that off. I've consumed so much content on suicide now kind of like a coping mechanism that makes me feel calm throughout the day. I feel at least a bit more normal that heartbreak is a fairly common cause of suicide amongst people – even our age. So, I feel a bit more validated and not as though I am a complete fucking deluded loser for wanting to kill myself over a girl.
I am sorry I did fuck all for you in the end and it was a waste. I will at least claim responsibility for getting you into strength/1rm training and eating more – also recently mixed grip deadlifts, liquid chalk, squat belt, dip belt etc. Other than that though I can't imagine being your boyfriend had that many positive benefits for you. Those positives have been replaced by other people anyway. And that is why you are more comfortable with the breakup. For me, you were so perfect. You made me grow so much and that is what is a shame. I could have prospered so well with you. But I guess it was not meant to be.
I wish you well for the rest of your life. If you haven't already for the love of God don't fuck or make ****** or that ****** guy your boyfriend or anyone you first spoke to while you were still with me because if by any small chance, there is an afterlife and I am conscious of the rest of your life it would prove my worst fears true and I will feel fucking sick to the stomach for the rest of eternity that you lied and gaslighted me even though it was fairly obvious. Although with a bit of luck there will be nothingness and I will not exist.
I got discharged from the home treatment today as I write this, but I know my plan is certain. Mental health support in this country is fairly shit but, in my case, it is not as though they have a cure for heartbreak and for grieve so I don't really blame them. I knew it was a waste of time from the start. I don't really blame you either. As I said you can only do what feels natural to you. I wouldn't want someone who doesn't love me to string me along and pretend to love me for the sake of me not killing myself. Ultimately, I blame me. It is my failure that I couldn't be good enough for you to love me as much as I love you. Ultimately it is the emotions in my head that are making me do this. Ultimately, I fell in love with you more than you fell in love with me. Perhaps I should of took things slower. Perhaps I shouldn't have introduced you to my family over the summer. Perhaps I shouldn't have got with someone so perfect for me and who shares every aspect of my life, mindset, interests and emotions. Maybe I would have loved less. Maybe the grief wouldn't be this painful.
I hope you liked the presents I got you on my birthday. I had planned to get flowers on the day as well, but the store was closed.
I wish we could have done more together."
So basically does anyone have any thoughts on my note for my ex-girlfriend? I plan to schedule emails for after people learn of my death. I say emails plural but it is only her and my parents. My parents one is just boring I am sorry stuff which I felt obligated to do. But with my ex I have a drive to write one just out of anger, pain and hatred really. Yet at the same time I do really love and care for her still so I don't want it to ruin her life. In all honesty I don't think she will care too much but don't want to come across as evil at the same time. Want the fine line between expressing my anger but not being cruel.
Context/story: - I am a uni student. Have always had awful anxiety. Always had small social circles but had a number of girlfriends before. Can only really open up to one person at a time. Had as many romantic relationships as I have had normal friends probably. This time though was different. This woman was the one and fed me a load of promises about how she was going to grow old with me and have my children etc. I believed it. We were so similar in every aspect of character. We both relied on each other heavily for emotional comfort. She is the first to be introduced to my family. We met during covid, and when everything opened up she suddenly relied on me less. Said - knowing full well about my social anxieties - that I should get out there more and it is a requirement of hers that her boyfriend has friends. She becomes distant with me whilst simultaneously texting a new guy mate all day every day sending me into panic. Then says we should go on a break to grow as people on our own. Says she feels bad because I've done nothing wrong. Then basically baits me into slipping up over the coming weeks and then dumps me. Broke my fucking heart. Was paralysed for ages then decided I would kill myself. Went to Beachy Head but the chaplains stopped me. Then tried an overdose of sleeping tablets a week later (before I knew anything about this website. She knows about both attempts. Because I am pathetic I keep trying to get her to talk to me. She mostly ignores me except from the minimum required to keep me from ending myself. Then I decide to not reach out to her for a few days and then go see her in person (we share private accommodation). It was my birthday so I used that as an excuse. It had been a while so fed her bullshit that I had been through intense counselling and that it had fixed me and I was now back to normal. Gave her a bunch of presents to say sorry and expressed how I loved her still. She said it is too much to process so I said we will focus on your mental health for now and I won't talk to you unless you reach out to me. Said I would briefly return between the 17th-20 December to collect my things should she want to see me then. Decided to give her until January to save my life but obviously I do not expect that to happen.
Anyway this is the draft:
"I am speaking to you from the past when I was alive. Hello future you. Apologies for not being there and no longer existing.
If you are reading this, it either means that I am dead or that I forgot to cancel the scheduled email. Hopefully, it is the former because that would be hella awkward especially as this is a bit cringe. If the latter I imagine you have probably heard the news already and I am sorry. I set a date for the Sunday 16th of January for things to turn around. It is Thursday the 11th of November 2021 as I write this. I am leaving it for fate to decide and in the meantime, I plan to keep myself busy with the gym, searching for work, and sorting out the tenancy. I scheduled this for the Wednesday after I die, so you have a couple of days to receive the news. I am thinking about whether this would be the first time something brings your life to a halt, and you just pause for a second. Maybe you have cancelled your plans for today and have just stayed in the house like most people do when they grieve. But then again, I can also imagine that you haven't, and you are at Uni right now. Maybe you have just finished with a Uni netball match or are on the coach to or from an away game. You have probably still managed to put a smile on for an Instagram story or updated your fitness account. I know you say you deal with things by keeping busy but to this magnitude I would hope I was important enough in your life to actually cause you to be too sad to do anything for at least a few days. I know you were certainly important enough for me to cause me to be paralysed and too depressed to do anything for quite some time after I was grieving from the breakup – god knows what I would do if you had actually died. But then again I imagine I haven't made that much of dent in your life right now. Maybe I am no longer that important anymore. I mean I guess that is why I am so accepting of ending my life because it is not as though it will dent or hold back your life too much. It is why we broke up in the first place. I was surplus to requirements. In the first year when your social circle was small and you needed comfort during covid I provided it but this year where you have other people I was no longer needed. I was no longer good enough. It no longer "felt natural" as you said. Fair enough, I mean I am a fucking depressive, boring, fairly ugly, loser. Why would you or anyone spend time with me if you actually have other people as options. You might come up with the excuse that you did not have time but deep down it is because you did not want to be with me. People make time for those they want to. You made time for others. You wanted to avoid me.
And if you are reading this it means it carried on that way. You went back home for Christmas before the 17th ofDecember – avoiding my brief and final return. And you have recently returned back to Uni before the start of term and have still not reached out to me. Your messages throughout this period have been minimal if present at all, and you have pretty much gone with the intention to forget about me.
But it is not as though that is a sin. You are able to choose whoever you want to be in your life. I am not good enough to be in yours and that is fine. But I am also free to feel the pain from that. Which I do ever so much. It hurts so much because you were the love of my life. I believed we would grow old together. It was set in my mind that I would only leave you when I die and I cannot shake that off. I've consumed so much content on suicide now kind of like a coping mechanism that makes me feel calm throughout the day. I feel at least a bit more normal that heartbreak is a fairly common cause of suicide amongst people – even our age. So, I feel a bit more validated and not as though I am a complete fucking deluded loser for wanting to kill myself over a girl.
I am sorry I did fuck all for you in the end and it was a waste. I will at least claim responsibility for getting you into strength/1rm training and eating more – also recently mixed grip deadlifts, liquid chalk, squat belt, dip belt etc. Other than that though I can't imagine being your boyfriend had that many positive benefits for you. Those positives have been replaced by other people anyway. And that is why you are more comfortable with the breakup. For me, you were so perfect. You made me grow so much and that is what is a shame. I could have prospered so well with you. But I guess it was not meant to be.
I wish you well for the rest of your life. If you haven't already for the love of God don't fuck or make ****** or that ****** guy your boyfriend or anyone you first spoke to while you were still with me because if by any small chance, there is an afterlife and I am conscious of the rest of your life it would prove my worst fears true and I will feel fucking sick to the stomach for the rest of eternity that you lied and gaslighted me even though it was fairly obvious. Although with a bit of luck there will be nothingness and I will not exist.
I got discharged from the home treatment today as I write this, but I know my plan is certain. Mental health support in this country is fairly shit but, in my case, it is not as though they have a cure for heartbreak and for grieve so I don't really blame them. I knew it was a waste of time from the start. I don't really blame you either. As I said you can only do what feels natural to you. I wouldn't want someone who doesn't love me to string me along and pretend to love me for the sake of me not killing myself. Ultimately, I blame me. It is my failure that I couldn't be good enough for you to love me as much as I love you. Ultimately it is the emotions in my head that are making me do this. Ultimately, I fell in love with you more than you fell in love with me. Perhaps I should of took things slower. Perhaps I shouldn't have introduced you to my family over the summer. Perhaps I shouldn't have got with someone so perfect for me and who shares every aspect of my life, mindset, interests and emotions. Maybe I would have loved less. Maybe the grief wouldn't be this painful.
I hope you liked the presents I got you on my birthday. I had planned to get flowers on the day as well, but the store was closed.
I wish we could have done more together."
