Venting Is living the true punishment?

[Againstthewind]

I had been trying for a long time to find a place like this to discuss how I was feeling without getting the usual 'It's going to be okay' bullshit or the dismissing behaviour that some have.

What can I say? I am incredibly, cripplingly depressed, I am alone, I do not eat, I wake up everyday with the same feeling of dread that I have made it to the next day of torture.

What is the one thing you are told by everyone who thinks you have a problem. Seek help!

Well, I did, and what a god damn joke our services are. I don't like asking for help because I thought it would be a waste of time with answers for them to help me, and I was proven right, at every single turn.

I have called health helplines on three different occasions, with one who was more bothered that I kept calling and the other two telling me they were going to do something and then never did. I contacted a text group who seem to text back and forth with you 5 times, and you get the usual 'go see someone'

Here's the kicker. After feeling panicky and extremely anxious, I plucked up the courage to call my countries national emergency services and tell them I was suicidal. They took 4 hours to arrive and made me wait in an emergency room for six hours going on into the night, I had all the usual crappy health tests done to wait for another 3 hours for a 'mental health team'. Two assholes. They spoke to me like shit, told me what 'I' expected from coming there and that THEY couldn't help with any of my problems, and that 'I' needed to deal with it. Hopped in a taxi and was home for 2am.

I won't go into detail on everything I have tried to do to myself or conversations I have had as I don't want this to be one of those long threads that no one reads. But an incident a mistake that has happened in my life has led me here. I have been punishing myself and torturing myself every day. Before this I have been depressed for yeaaaaaaaaars. Everyone treats me like I am a bad person, a criminal, silently judging me, shunning me as of even being treated like a human being. I am trapped, paralyzed in my own skin, anxious, scared, I don't do anything. I've wanted to ctb for a long time, but all attempts I do seem to not work, what an ultimate act of cruelty, not even being able to pass to nothingness because fate wont even let you do that. You must suffer constantly.

Why were we brought into this world?

 

[8evergo]

i try to explain to you first of all it's the wrong people dying running this system. we are in this world to suffer like buddah and also other religions said only the leaders of the religion are also the same wrong people who lead the system

but what is fackt is we are here zuv suffering each individual in his own way. we are born with pain we eat each other we kill each other this world is the actual hell we are born again and again until we understand it until our soul is white and if you listen to your inner self do exactly what it says.

 

[FuneralCry]

Those hotlines sound so useless. I do not understand how they could ever help anyone. I do think that living is a punishment. We are forced to exist for no reason and we have to endure so much suffering all for the sake of it. Ctb really should be easier, a peaceful exit from this life should be a human right and nobody should have to worry about the method failing. Existing really is so horrifying.