Is life just totally random?

[ctbsd24]

I know, to a certain extent, life is what you make of it. At the same time, however, it seems like some people just have everything so much easier. Looks, money, celebrity status, popularity, athleticism, you name it. I find myself jealous, sometimes wondering what life could've been like had I been born into different/better circumstances. Would I be laying on a beach right now without a care in the world instead of sitting on a suicide forum? It all seems so darn unfair.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I know, to a certain extent, life is what you make of it. At the same time, however, it seems like some people just have everything so much easier. Looks, money, celebrity status, popularity, athleticism, you name it. I find myself jealous, sometimes wondering what life could've been like had I been born into different/better circumstances. Would I be laying on a beach right now without a care in the world instead of sitting on a suicide forum? It all seems so darn unfair.

Life is a mix of luck, chance and circumstance.

 

[ladylazarus4]

I do think the situations you are born into are random but a lot of what comes after is not. Not to say that everything is inside your control; obviously there are a lot of factors in life you can't control. And even if you do have control over it doesn't make it any less painful. Also, I'd like to say that it may seem like these people have it so much easier (and they do in many ways) but I was extremely lucky to be born into a family where I've never had to worry about money and I have struggled for a long long time. On the other hand, I'd probably have a much harder time if I had grown up below the poverty line. But it's not like my life is all sunshine and rainbows (obviously, or else I wouldn't be on here).

 

[Z-A]

Though nobody knows where existence has started, I still strongly believe in evolution. One cell infinitely turning into uncountable amounts of energy creating bigger and bigger things making even more things possible, cycle continues, etc. I don't believe that we have a soul, awaiting afterlife. All ends where it started. That's my personal view of it. Obviously I'm not fully assured of that but it's the closest I could come to being the truth.

 

[FuneralCry]

It truly is all so cruel to me, I see it as so cruel how there's all this suffering, personally I just believe existence itself to have no deeper purpose or meaning behind it with chance so senselessly determining everything, to me existence just feels like a terrible tragedy.

 

[dazednconfused]

this world is unexplainable. even if god was real, understanding it and the functions of fate, that would ruin it anyways. we are not allowed to understand. time never stops and theres only the present. think, you had just written this post and if you close your eyes you can remember being in that moment, but now youre probably reading responses right? the present is all there is and theres no choice but to succumb to the circumstances around us.

 

[Trav1989]

My life hasn't been random, at least not personally. If anything it's felt wildly premeditated with me not having much of a say in the vast majority of what has transpired and even when I did "fight back" it would usually just make things even more difficult.

I once had a plan for everything, I got the perfect job I wanted, married a beautiful and loving woman, had well over $60,000 in my bank account and was on track to buy a house (paid nearly in full) for us to live in within three short years, had no debt whatsoever, owned a truck and a car, was planning on having kids, everything was by all means looking great.

Then four years into my marriage my wife let the past trauma I pulled her from (family, friends, and lifestyle related) creep back up once things were at there best, and while on vacation no less.

Next thing you know she was attending therapy, put on half a dozen medications, she began sleeping all day, the housework at our current rental didn't get done, she began to hoard, spent money foolishly on mobile games, online purchases, she gained a large amount of weight, stopped bathing and brushing her teeth, etc... all the while our savings went from $60,000 to eventually less than $20,000 within three years forcing us to stay in the rental that was now a hoard which made things worse.

I did all I could to be there for her but it wasn't enough, her therapist convinced her to makeup with her family and friends to deal with the trauma, her mom went full-on narcissist mode on their first meeting and she got into a physical fight with her brother which led to both being jailed. I bailed my wife out, she went to court, got a year of probation because she tested positive for weed.

She then asked to see her friends (who used meth) so she went to visit them even though I told her it was a bad idea. She stayed with them for a week, came back and was coming down from meth, after waking up from sleeping two days she wouldn't stop talking about how great they were, particularly her best friend Jake (he was the dealer) and over the next few months she spent 2/3rds of her time there.

Eventually I asked her if she could help me do the dishes because I had worked a 10-,hour shift, she got offended even though I was nice about it and left again after she admitted she had been cheating on me with Jacob and his friends and laughing about it and then returning to grab her things because she was leaving.

Her "friend" Jacob who came with her then gave me an ultimatum. She could stay with me if I let him pimp her out and I'd get a third of the money, I said no.

Then I got a phone call from her phone and yeah, I'd rather not go into detail on that.

Next thing you know she doesn't contact me for over a year and we had been divorced at that point and when I last talked to her she made zero sense and was clearly drugged out of her mind and her "friend" Jacob sent me over a dozen pictures of her having sex with different guys while completely expressionless.

I never really had any say in what happened and I can safely say that therapy led to the destruction of both my ex-wife and I's lives.

Life felt extremely pre-determined from the moment she had her first therapy session and we were both along for the ride.

Thankfully my time on this ride will come to a close sooner rather than later, not sure when my ex-wives will.

 

[dazednconfused]

My life hasn't been random, at least not personally. If anything it's felt wildly premeditated with me not having much of a say in the vast majority of what has transpired and even when I did "fight back" it would usually just make things even more difficult.

I once had a plan for everything, I got the perfect job I wanted, married a beautiful and loving woman, had well over $60,000 in my bank account and was on track to buy a house (paid nearly in full) for us to live in within three short years, had no debt whatsoever, owned a truck and a car, was planning on having kids, everything was by all means looking great.

Then four years into my marriage my wife let the past trauma I pulled her from (family, friends, and lifestyle related) creep back up once things were at there best, and while on vacation no less.

Next thing you know she was attending therapy, put on half a dozen medications, she began sleeping all day, the housework at our current rental didn't get done, she began to hoard, spent money foolishly on mobile games, online purchases, she gained a large amount of weight, stopped bathing and brushing her teeth, etc... all the while our savings went from $60,000 to eventually less than $20,000 within three years forcing us to stay in the rental that was now a hoard which made things worse.

I did all I could to be there for her but it wasn't enough, her therapist convinced her to makeup with her family and friends to deal with the trauma, her mom went full-on narcissist mode on their first meeting and she got into a physical fight with her brother which led to both being jailed. I bailed my wife out, she went to court, got a year of probation because she tested positive for weed.

She then asked to see her friends (who used meth) so she went to visit them even though I told her it was a bad idea. She stayed with them for a week, came back and was coming down from meth, after waking up from sleeping two days she wouldn't stop talking about how great they were, particularly her best friend Jake (he was the dealer) and over the next few months she spent 2/3rds of her time there.

Eventually I asked her if she could help me do the dishes because I had worked a 10-,hour shift, she got offended even though I was nice about it and left again after she admitted she had been cheating on me with Jacob and his friends and laughing about it and then returning to grab her things because she was leaving.

Her "friend" Jacob who came with her then gave me an ultimatum. She could stay with me if I let him pimp her out and I'd get a third of the money, I said no.

Then I got a phone call from her phone and yeah, I'd rather not go into detail on that.

Next thing you know she doesn't contact me for over a year and we had been divorced at that point and when I last talked to her she made zero sense and was clearly drugged out of her mind and her "friend" Jacob sent me over a dozen pictures of her having sex with different guys while completely expressionless.

I never really had any say in what happened and I can safely say that therapy led to the destruction of both my ex-wife and I's lives.

Life felt extremely pre-determined from the moment she had her first therapy session and we were both along for the ride.

Thankfully my time on this ride will come to a close sooner rather than later, not sure when my ex-wives will.

that sounds really hard.. honestly im scared to keep living in part because i feel i could break down and fuck up my life at any point like i keep doing. its better not to live before i ruin anything else yk. i just end up hurting no matter what… even when it gets good and i progress. im so sorry to hear your story.. and i wish you peace with it all

 

[DogSandwichLove]

I believe that everything is predetermined. I believe that we have no free will. If you are interested in learning more about Determinism I highly suggest Robert Sapolsky's books or lectures.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Life is just chemical reactions

Everything is random.there is no destiny. The only destiny is every human will die.

 

[Marco77]

Yes, it's all the work of chance. No plan, no destiny.

 

[KillingPain267]

Yes

 

[Trav1989]

that sounds really hard.. honestly im scared to keep living in part because i feel i could break down and fuck up my life at any point like i keep doing. its better not to live before i ruin anything else yk. i just end up hurting no matter what… even when it gets good and i progress. im so sorry to hear your story.. and i wish you peace with it all

Can't say I'm at peace with how things went whatsoever. If anything I'm mad at the world and hopeless because I know that I can't do anything about it. I tried finding my ex-wife to get her out of her situation but had 4 guys hang up on me and one was armed and after that was when her "friend" called me and had her talk to me for five minutes where I couldn't understand a word she said. I called the cops to have them do a welfare check on her and explained the situation but there was nothing they could do and she told them she was okay apparently.

I've completely given up on everything at this point and am ready to get out of this existence. I've been living day by day just to survive at this point to see how long I can last but I'm about to just shut off this game called life and move on.

Life is all highs and lows and as you get older the lows pile up and the highs are fewer and far between.

It's a fucking miserable existence to put it lightly. You can have everything you ever wanted after years of work and lose it all in minutes and every time you rebuild it's always harder than the last because the trauma piles up, you are older and more tired, and you just grow into a world weary mess.

 

[dazednconfused]

Can't say I'm at peace with how things went whatsoever. If anything I'm mad at the world and hopeless because I know that I can't do anything about it. I tried finding my ex-wife to get her out of her situation but had 4 guys hang up on me and one was armed and after that was when her "friend" called me and had her talk to me for five minutes where I couldn't understand a word she said. I called the cops to have them do a welfare check on her and explained the situation but there was nothing they could do and she told them she was okay apparently.

I've completely given up on everything at this point and am ready to get out of this existence. I've been living day by day just to survive at this point to see how long I can last but I'm about to just shut off this game called life and move on.

Life is all highs and lows and as you get older the lows pile up and the highs are fewer and far between.

It's a fucking miserable existence to put it lightly. You can have everything you ever wanted after years of work and lose it all in minutes and every time you rebuild it's always harder than the last because the trauma piles up, you are older and more tired, and you just grow into a world weary mess.

your reaction makes complete sense. its definitely the one thing about this would that i just cant understand. the ease of which everything that apparently has so much value -- can be taken. even the recent hurricane in the US... those videos alone were heartbreaking, but at least there is aid right..? but good samaritan work can only do so much. i dont understand chance... i dont even understand reason. i dont want to grow up anymore because i can barely handle my life being taken care of and not having many vorries,, i just dont think im made for adult life but everyone says keep pushing nd i have so much potential but the truth is im too lazy..

 

[landslide2]

On a fundamental I'd say yes it's random by the sheer fact you don't exist for billions of years and suddenly you are born into some context (century, family, health/illness, wealth, country, etc...) not of your choosing. This context often comes with certain limitations and possibilities that predetermine much of who you will be and what life you can live.

 

[Trav1989]

your reaction makes complete sense. its definitely the one thing about this would that i just cant understand. the ease of which everything that apparently has so much value -- can be taken. even the recent hurricane in the US... those videos alone were heartbreaking, but at least there is aid right..? but good samaritan work can only do so much. i dont understand chance... i dont even understand reason. i dont want to grow up anymore because i can barely handle my life being taken care of and not having many vorries,, i just dont think im made for adult life but everyone says keep pushing nd i have so much potential but the truth is im too lazy..

I thought I was ready for adult life at your age but truth be told we never truly "grow up", we just suppress our emotions. That fear of failure never goes away but it does diminish over time after you've experienced it enough because you know what to expect.

The problem is that once you reach the point where your at rock bottom for the third, fourth, fifth, etc time you start to get numb and at that point your barely even sentient. You turn into a creature of habit that runs on instincts living within the bounds the society we as humans manufactured for ourselves.

That begs the question; sure, your physically alive but are you truly living at that point?

I'm sure all of us have that one relative (sometimes more) who is on their 4th of 5th marriage and have restarted a handful of times thinking "this next time will work, I know it!" when they're already in their 50's or 60's and their body is wearing down. They give the opportunity all they can until they hit 65+ and retire and then buy a place in Florida (or another retirement destination) where their spouse and them party and vacation indefinitely.

Eventually the honeymoon phase ends and they become accustomed to the lifestyle and begin wanting more, they realize they never truly loved eachother and we're just chasing a high and then end up alone and lonely only to move back and resign their last few years in a trailer prior to a nursing home where they end up being "accidentally" given too high of an opiate dose (once the insurance money runs out).

What did they gain from all that?

Meanwhile you have the lucky ones who managed to stay married to their first spouse who had a good 40-50+ year marriage with some ups and downs but never hitting rock bottom because they always had one-another.

In today's society of wantonly accepted instant gratification we are going to see more and more of the former scenario than the latter one.

Everyone assumes that if it doesn't work and they don't find the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect spouse, etc it's time to "upgrade" because as we all know, people talk and those who believe they are unhappy are impressionable.

Say "Sally" has been with "Jim" for 15 years and Jim has a steady job, their house is paid off, they are doing well but Jim doesn't buy/provide her enough of her chosen vice(s). Sally's best friend Jane (who is on her 2nd or 3rd marriage) tells her to leave Jim because she can do better.

So Sally divorces Jim and hooks up with Frank, a guy who makes a bit more than Jim did but is on his 2nd or 3rd marriage. Frank is used to just cutting his losses when things go sour with Sally a few years in so now Sally is on her second divorce.

Sally is now in her late 40's and alone, she could get back with Jim who now has nothing or is remarried, she could stay single and alone, of find a new guy.

None of the options are truly good and she gave up on her first marriage because society deemed her actions at the time as normal.

The moral of the story is that if/when you find love you have to hold on to it no matter what. Sometimes you don't have a say though, that is when you have a choice. "Do I take the road commonly travelled only to put in effort after effort with little to no reward or do I choose to get off the train?".

Because in reality you only really have one chance, I know people say you can just move on but if you truly believe that to be an option you've been engineered to normalize such.

After you hit 25 it's all of nothing. The years fly by after that point and you either commit to another or you don't (both are good options).

I've dated many new women 30+ and trust me, you want no part of that and if you partake your going to bring your own baggage while she brings hers and things get cluttered very quickly and you have no room left for growth.

Sorry about rambling, just been there and done that for the most part and experienced the rest second-hand.

If people could just slow down and learn to forgive others while learning from their own mistakes and apologizing imagine where we'd be as a species. A lot less traumatized for sure.

 

[dazednconfused]

I thought I was ready for adult life at your age but truth be told we never truly "grow up", we just suppress our emotions. That fear of failure never goes away but it does diminish over time after you've experienced it enough because you know what to expect.

The problem is that once you reach the point where your at rock bottom for the third, fourth, fifth, etc time you start to get numb and at that point your barely even sentient. You turn into a creature of habit that runs on instincts living within the bounds the society we as humans manufactured for ourselves.

That begs the question; sure, your physically alive but are you truly living at that point?

I'm sure all of us have that one relative (sometimes more) who is on their 4th of 5th marriage and have restarted a handful of times thinking "this next time will work, I know it!" when they're already in their 50's or 60's and their body is wearing down. They give the opportunity all they can until they hit 65+ and retire and then buy a place in Florida (or another retirement destination) where their spouse and them party and vacation indefinitely.

Eventually the honeymoon phase ends and they become accustomed to the lifestyle and begin wanting more, they realize they never truly loved eachother and we're just chasing a high and then end up alone and lonely only to move back and resign their last few years in a trailer prior to a nursing home where they end up being "accidentally" given too high of an opiate dose (once the insurance money runs out).

What did they gain from all that?

Meanwhile you have the lucky ones who managed to stay married to their first spouse who had a good 40-50+ year marriage with some ups and downs but never hitting rock bottom because they always had one-another.

In today's society of wantonly accepted instant gratification we are going to see more and more of the former scenario than the latter one.

Everyone assumes that if it doesn't work and they don't find the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect spouse, etc it's time to "upgrade" because as we all know, people talk and those who believe they are unhappy are impressionable.

Say "Sally" has been with "Jim" for 15 years and Jim has a steady job, their house is paid off, they are doing well but Jim doesn't buy/provide her enough of her chosen vice(s). Sally's best friend Jane (who is on her 2nd or 3rd marriage) tells her to leave Jim because she can do better.

So Sally divorces Jim and hooks up with Frank, a guy who makes a bit more than Jim did but is on his 2nd or 3rd marriage. Frank is used to just cutting his losses when things go sour with Sally a few years in so now Sally is on her second divorce.

Sally is now in her late 40's and alone, she could get back with Jim who now has nothing or is remarried, she could stay single and alone, of find a new guy.

None of the options are truly good and she gave up on her first marriage because society deemed her actions at the time as normal.

The moral of the story is that if/when you find love you have to hold on to it no matter what. Sometimes you don't have a say though, that is when you have a choice. "Do I take the road commonly travelled only to put in effort after effort with little to no reward or do I choose to get off the train?".

Because in reality you only really have one chance, I know people say you can just move on but if you truly believe that to be an option you've been engineered to normalize such.

After you hit 25 it's all of nothing. The years fly by after that point and you either commit to another or you don't (both are good options).

I've dated many new women 30+ and trust me, you want no part of that and if you partake your going to bring your own baggage while she brings hers and things get cluttered very quickly and you have no room left for growth.

Sorry about rambling, just been there and done that for the most part and experienced the rest second-hand.

If people could just slow down and learn to forgive others while learning from their own mistakes and apologizing imagine where we'd be as a species. A lot less traumatized for sure.

you seem really thoughtful, i think thats inspirational, but i also have a penchant of looking up to people who make me feel seen. i completely agree that instant gratification is something of a sleuth to society, breaking down connections and stuff. obviously don't stay with someone abusing you but... at least, with my current boyfriend (? are we ever together anymore, its so odd i dont know?)

he said he was uncertain about things and i was hurt and said if he wants to break up he should do it confidently so it hurts me less, and he said it and i got hurt obviously, he took it back and said he wasnt even really certain but he wanted to do what i asked, then the next day after i had a complete BPD meltdown, not violent towards him ofc, moreso myself. i am self destructive. (i spent a few good minutes bashing a desk speaker against my head lol...)

he told me he's taking a break from being online. never said whether we're breaking up or not. but i figure its something like that bc when i texted his phone, when i do text now, he barely replies. if he does its short and plain. "its okay ash.", "everything will end up okay.", "@ work" and i mean at least he's trying yk? he's stuck with me for almost a year now despite the long distance and the mental health struggles, because hes seen the purest part of me and the part that can be better. i see the same in him. and he's so talented, so am i. so feeling him pull away because of his life and the distance just hurts so much. it makes me feel like i fucked up being so needy. being negative and self-destructive. but i don't know how to stop it. i lose everyone i love. no matter how much i try to love them and be forgiving as id like someone to be with me. we've both dealt with mental struggles so... i know hes got so much going on, i just wish i was more at the forefront. i dont know how to explain that i seriously want to kill myself and am in the process of probably going through with it.. and im scared he just wont care. im scared he doesnt have the energy to deal with me. but then why even respond, why not just block me when i tell him a million times to do it, and tell me he hates me, and im a burden and he doesnt need me? its so confusing.

but i want to stay, because i know he loves me. and i love him too. maybe its the bpd but i dont believe in giving up so easily. if i love you, i want you and nobody else. ill do everything to make our future real, if i can... i'll try my best even though im a lazy loser who doesnt even have any real passions.

<-- cute gif so u dont get bored reading me ramble lol

im not even a "failure". i'm going to community college, already ahead in credits from doing dual enrollment in senior year of HS. i dont have a job cus i got fired but yk... i cant drive yet... lol so okay maybe im a bit behind but, i'm smart, i'm kind, i do what should be the "right things" kinda like you spoke about... but i still want to die. ive still always wanted to die. i still suddenly over night feel like i lost the one person i love. and i cant take it.

to be told "you'll find someone else, oh he was shitty anyways, theres better, you're young." this all seems annoying to me, because it comes from people who dont know me, or my relationship, and everything we've been through. and if youre even a little bit insecure in your relationship these comments will get to you. ive learned to shut it down by telling them, no i know he loves me. he was there after my suicide attempt, waiting after i got out of the ward, even after all my freak outs, all the pain, the times i cut and cried and broke down, he was there and loved me the same way i loved him through his own episodes, or relapses. obviously, two mentally ill teenagers in love lol its a horror story right? but still... theres so much beauty in it as well.

we both make music, weve made a couple songs together. im featured on a song on his first vinyl, of his first EP. im so happy, i paid to get it. but things suddnely just went downhill the past 4 days or so. and i just ... i dont know. its like a blinked and then its all gone. so shattered and broken and i dont know how to put it back together. how to pretend things are okay.

and now, i've already bought the SN., meto, benzos. ive told my one other friend and some people who are fans of my music that i'm probably ending it soon. no one wants me to. but i feel like ive made a commitment, and just like my relationship, i feel i have to follow through.

"stop suicide-baiting" a friend told me a few days ago.

that hurts. so much. they are never happy until you're dead and gone.

 

[Trav1989]

you seem really thoughtful, i think thats inspirational, but i also have a penchant of looking up to people who make me feel seen. i completely agree that instant gratification is something of a sleuth to society, breaking down connections and stuff. obviously don't stay with someone abusing you but... at least, with my current boyfriend (? are we ever together anymore, its so odd i dont know?)

he said he was uncertain about things and i was hurt and said if he wants to break up he should do it confidently so it hurts me less, and he said it and i got hurt obviously, he took it back and said he wasnt even really certain but he wanted to do what i asked, then the next day after i had a complete BPD meltdown, not violent towards him ofc, moreso myself. i am self destructive. (i spent a few good minutes bashing a desk speaker against my head lol...)

he told me he's taking a break from being online. never said whether we're breaking up or not. but i figure its something like that bc when i texted his phone, when i do text now, he barely replies. if he does its short and plain. "its okay ash.", "everything will end up okay.", "@ work" and i mean at least he's trying yk? he's stuck with me for almost a year now despite the long distance and the mental health struggles, because hes seen the purest part of me and the part that can be better. i see the same in him. and he's so talented, so am i. so feeling him pull away because of his life and the distance just hurts so much. it makes me feel like i fucked up being so needy. being negative and self-destructive. but i don't know how to stop it. i lose everyone i love. no matter how much i try to love them and be forgiving as id like someone to be with me. we've both dealt with mental struggles so... i know hes got so much going on, i just wish i was more at the forefront. i dont know how to explain that i seriously want to kill myself and am in the process of probably going through with it.. and im scared he just wont care. im scared he doesnt have the energy to deal with me. but then why even respond, why not just block me when i tell him a million times to do it, and tell me he hates me, and im a burden and he doesnt need me? its so confusing.

but i want to stay, because i know he loves me. and i love him too. maybe its the bpd but i dont believe in giving up so easily. if i love you, i want you and nobody else. ill do everything to make our future real, if i can... i'll try my best even though im a lazy loser who doesnt even have any real passions.

View attachment 152217<-- cute gif so u dont get bored reading me ramble lol

im not even a "failure". i'm going to community college, already ahead in credits from doing dual enrollment in senior year of HS. i dont have a job cus i got fired but yk... i cant drive yet... lol so okay maybe im a bit behind but, i'm smart, i'm kind, i do what should be the "right things" kinda like you spoke about... but i still want to die. ive still always wanted to die. i still suddenly over night feel like i lost the one person i love. and i cant take it.

to be told "you'll find someone else, oh he was shitty anyways, theres better, you're young." this all seems annoying to me, because it comes from people who dont know me, or my relationship, and everything we've been through. and if youre even a little bit insecure in your relationship these comments will get to you. ive learned to shut it down by telling them, no i know he loves me. he was there after my suicide attempt, waiting after i got out of the ward, even after all my freak outs, all the pain, the times i cut and cried and broke down, he was there and loved me the same way i loved him through his own episodes, or relapses. obviously, two mentally ill teenagers in love lol its a horror story right? but still... theres so much beauty in it as well.

we both make music, weve made a couple songs together. im featured on a song on his first vinyl, of his first EP. im so happy, i paid to get it. but things suddnely just went downhill the past 4 days or so. and i just ... i dont know. its like a blinked and then its all gone. so shattered and broken and i dont know how to put it back together. how to pretend things are okay.

and now, i've already bought the SN., meto, benzos. ive told my one other friend and some people who are fans of my music that i'm probably ending it soon. no one wants me to. but i feel like ive made a commitment, and just like my relationship, i feel i have to follow through.

"stop suicide-baiting" a friend told me a few days ago.

that hurts. so much. they are never happy until you're dead and gone.
View attachment 152219

I'm sorry I checked this so late, I read every word but I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can. For now, just hang in there even though it's hard. You are a bright gal and I can tell you care too much like I do which is both a good and a bad thing.

Your ex seems overwhelmed but a decent guy. I dated many before I met my true love but trust me, you'll know when you know. The person who puts in as much effort as you do and reaches out when your at your lowest and you do the same naturally will prove it.

I'll fill in more tomorrow.

EDIT: I can't leave anything unfinished so I'll keep going lol.

Good on you for putting an astounding level of work into your schooling, that's very commendable to put it lightly, I was always an underachiever in regards to school by comparison. I did just enough to get by and had just enough friends to make it somewhat enjoyable to an extent.

As for your lack of a drivers license, there is nothing wrong with that as we all have strengths and weaknesses and different priorities. Anxiety never affected me much so I got mine immediately the day after my 16th birthday.

I understand giving others your full attention and every ounce of effort you can muster as much as humanly possible and I understand the pain of losing the one you love. There is certainly in CTB but there is also comfort in love, being empaths can lead us to potentially putting out too much effort which can ward others off and it also causes us to embrace CTB without question because if our feelings and projected efforts that come from such aren't reciprocated to a certain degree we feel alone because no matter how hard we try some are incapable of "getting" us.

You both seem like great people, reminds me a lot of my ex-wife and I, my story took a dark turn but yours doesn't have to, your still young. CTB is always an option and I wouldn't hold it against you if you did decide to go that route I'll have you know.

I know in my heart that my ex-wife will come back someday, she was/is a victim of sex trafficking due to coercion so I just know deep down things can't end like that. As sure as the tide rises it will fall, then it will do so again and if it doesn't I have the option to CTB because at that point the game is rigged. I refuse to bend the rules or rewrite them, if I put everything I have into something I will finish it or in this case, it will finish me.

I suggest you send him a handmade card via snail mail filled with flowery words and artwork but with meaning, write from the heart and add those extra intricacies only he would notice based on your experiences that seemed like sweet nothing's yet are what gave it all meaning in the end.

Give it a couple of weeks after and if nothing happens of note at least you can say you tried your all. Maybe send him a second letter the day prior to you CTB spilling your metaphorical guts out about how much your time together meant to you and how I hope he enjoyed it as well and let him know what he meant to you, not in a way that is condescending or spiteful but honestly and lovingly.

You seem apt when it comes to writing. Hopefully both of our situations work out Internet stranger, if not and there is an afterlife I guess our floating orbs or whatever the case is could keep each other entertained for a while with good conversation.

That conjured quite the funny mental image to say the least lol.

 

[dazednconfused]

You seem apt when it comes to writing. Hopefully both of our situations work out Internet stranger, if not and there is an afterlife I guess our floating orbs or whatever the case is could keep each other entertained for a while with good conversation.

funny cus i was thinking about majoring in english even though thats a useless degree and had just read about the floating orbs n stuff in someones nde on nderf. thank you for all your words. i hope things can be saved for us both too. thank you so much <3 if you ever wanna talk u can dm me :p no pressure but your words are of great comfort to me more than a lot has been in these past few days so thank you again..