_Minsk
death: the cure for life
- Dec 9, 2019
- 1,109
its like almost everything i love or loved about myself and life has been destroyed, all my my hobbies are useless. i loved silence and just being where its quiet, without many people, i loved to be with people actually and to be with friends, i still do with a few, but due to depression and pain, i prefer being alone since a long time..then i got tinnitus..
i used to love sorts, the feeling of being active and accepted by society, the endorphins while doing a tasking workout.. i had to give it up as well due to chronic pain. then i got into programming, i loved it as well, it was nice and i could do it without having to be so much into extrovert activities. then my motivation reduced immensely, depression also got worse and i just don't feel much motivation because i lost so many things that used to give me joy and that motivated me to do more.. my health is ruined, my mental health is also declining.. all these things are like a synergy, which fuel each other and potentiate eachother, i really hate it.
my social life also gets worse, i feel guilty because I can't do much, i feel so depressed that I'm literally forced to give up my job, its like a downward spiral which is out of control.. maybe deep down i dont even care, maybe i want my life to get even worse deep down, i really don't know, its like going against the current really.. all i can do is watch my life falling apart..
there are still glimpses of hope, but thats how it used to be like 10years or so, and im still not making real progress, even though im trying my best and getting more and more exhausted..
i feel silly for preparing myself for ctb so often but then not going through..
when i look back at my life, its a complete disaster, for me its not worth the effort since i really can't accept it, all the pain, all the issues i can't resolve since so long..
i feel completely useless in this state, i just consume resources, without giving much back or improving life really.. i know if i had my heath back, i could do so many good things, be more active again and be of more help for others..
at this point i even don't know if im just too lazy, maybe im really to lazy, but my life is just a pain, i feel so exhausted, but the voices haunt me and i always feel like not doing good enough...
its like my entire life is becoming what i dont want, every passion I've had is dying, things i did fear so much have become reality.. it truly sucks, at this point i really wonder what life is even about, how can it be so horrific for a few but at the same time so good for others that they decide to bring new life into this world?
i feel pathetic for complaining so much, i wish i could just turn off all the self doubt and other issues, its just so much, at times i feel like a kid inside an adult, all the anxiety and stuffs, i hate it..
i wish i could just turn off si and ctb already, i really hate this life for what it has become..
i used to love sorts, the feeling of being active and accepted by society, the endorphins while doing a tasking workout.. i had to give it up as well due to chronic pain. then i got into programming, i loved it as well, it was nice and i could do it without having to be so much into extrovert activities. then my motivation reduced immensely, depression also got worse and i just don't feel much motivation because i lost so many things that used to give me joy and that motivated me to do more.. my health is ruined, my mental health is also declining.. all these things are like a synergy, which fuel each other and potentiate eachother, i really hate it.
my social life also gets worse, i feel guilty because I can't do much, i feel so depressed that I'm literally forced to give up my job, its like a downward spiral which is out of control.. maybe deep down i dont even care, maybe i want my life to get even worse deep down, i really don't know, its like going against the current really.. all i can do is watch my life falling apart..
there are still glimpses of hope, but thats how it used to be like 10years or so, and im still not making real progress, even though im trying my best and getting more and more exhausted..
i feel silly for preparing myself for ctb so often but then not going through..
when i look back at my life, its a complete disaster, for me its not worth the effort since i really can't accept it, all the pain, all the issues i can't resolve since so long..
i feel completely useless in this state, i just consume resources, without giving much back or improving life really.. i know if i had my heath back, i could do so many good things, be more active again and be of more help for others..
at this point i even don't know if im just too lazy, maybe im really to lazy, but my life is just a pain, i feel so exhausted, but the voices haunt me and i always feel like not doing good enough...
its like my entire life is becoming what i dont want, every passion I've had is dying, things i did fear so much have become reality.. it truly sucks, at this point i really wonder what life is even about, how can it be so horrific for a few but at the same time so good for others that they decide to bring new life into this world?
i feel pathetic for complaining so much, i wish i could just turn off all the self doubt and other issues, its just so much, at times i feel like a kid inside an adult, all the anxiety and stuffs, i hate it..
i wish i could just turn off si and ctb already, i really hate this life for what it has become..
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