oh yes there have been beautiful moments throughout my life but I just see such a shit future that I can't imagine much more beauty and it makes me sick to think of suffering so much longer. I even find beauty in SS — the beauty of strangers supporting each other without judgment. I see beauty in other things personal to me. But there is too much tragedy around the corner for me to keep going. I have lived enough years to know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you want to see beauty, you need not look far — just look at nature, at architecture, at music. But for me, I have begun to isolate, to turn away from beauty and to consciously focus on my wretched future to motivate myself to ctb rather than be distracted by beauty. My circumstances indicate that my bouts with sanity, anxiety and depression have led me to realize that I cannot live here anymore. I don't want to be homeless, locked up, or end up an even bigger humiliation to myself, family and so forth. I hope there is beauty in the afterlife or nothing at all. Just want to end this fucking suffering once and for all.
