Is it wrong to guilt myself into staying alive?

[TimeHasCome6]

The only reason I'm still alive is because I keep giving myself reasons to keep it that way. I remind myeloma that my sister is still going through her own struggles and shouldn't have to deal with loosing me in the midst of that. I'll sign myself up for something and say "Not until I've honored my commitments to this or that." But it never ends. Sometimes it helps. And it's like. "This is such a dream." But at some point I have to wake up and I just want to die again. It's a vicious cycle. Is it wrong that I keep myself alive for other people? Is it wrong to give myself excuses I don't want? I just need answers.
Myself* like*,* Please excuse my grammatical mystakes.

 

[Gloom]

if that's kept you alive so far then maybe it's better to live. though that shouldn't be the only reason, I hope you find more.

 

[TimeHasCome6]

It is definitely the only reason.
Thanks you for the well-wishes. I wish I could find more. I'll tell you if anything changes…

 

[MidnightDream]

I feel the same way for the most part.
In my eyes, if you're still looking for reasons to stay alive, then you perhaps don't really want to die. And that's okay. And if that's working for you, keep at it. You never know, you might find something that works long-term.

 

[AngryDog]

I wouldn't call it to "guilt onself". Caring about your loved ones is a very healthy reason to stay around. I would look for something that you enjoy too. It can be any activity or hobby. The sillier and most mundane of them work for me at least.

I don't wanna underestimte how much the vicious cycle of suicide ideation sucks though. Many times it can feel like dying is the only and best option, but from what you describe, it doesn't seem to be a permanent state of dispair. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[wr3ck3d]

There is nothing wrong if you don't feel ready to go, so no reason to feel guilty. I believe you'll know when it's the right moment

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound tiring what you are going through, but I just think that after all, only you know if you should continue existing or not and it's a personal decision when to leave. I don't think that deciding to stay or deciding to leave could ever really be wrong exactly, it's a decision that can only be made by the individual.

 

[kindalone]

This has been the reason I stay alive for many years. It has kept me alive but it hasn't really improved my state. Because I wanted my sister to have more support and have somebody to lean onto in difficult times, I overexerted myself to the point of neglecting my own life. Part of it was because I wanted give this shitty life meaning, the other part was because I didn't care about myself enough to tend to my own struggles and problems. It was a way to avoid dealing with my own struggles. My life therefore became more and more miserable and I started to resent my own sister for it a little bit, even though it wasn't her fault at all. She didn't choose to be an excuse for myself to self-destruct.

I'd say it's a good reason to stay alive but but it's also important to take care of yourself too. I wouldn't say it's an excuse. You love your family and that is great. I think that makes you great person. Your sister is lucky to have you.

 

[TimeHasCome6]

Thank you for the advice. I'm just in a bad place right now and the effect is beginning to wear off. Just trying to figure things out, I guess.

This has been the reason I stay alive for many years. It has kept me alive but it hasn't really improved my state. Because I wanted my sister to have more support and have somebody to lean onto in difficult times, I overexerted myself to the point of neglecting my own life. Part of it was because I wanted give this shitty life meaning, the other part was because I didn't care about myself enough to tend to my own struggles and problems. It was a way to avoid dealing with my own struggles. My life therefore became more and more miserable and I started to resent my own sister for it a little bit, even though it wasn't her fault at all. She didn't choose to be an excuse for myself to self-destruct.

I'd say it's a good reason to stay alive but but it's also important to take care of yourself too. I wouldn't say it's an excuse. You love your family and that is great. I think that makes you great person. Your sister is lucky to have you.

I don't think I resent my sister, the things she's done just aren't helping my mental state. I love her with all my heart and nothing can change that. I'm glad you think my sister is lucky to have me. I'm lucky to have her. I just often wish things where different and that she wasn't both an excuse for life and an excuse for death.

 

[TimeHasCome6]

How would you handle it? Idk what to do at this point. Do I keep going with what I have or change it. It's just endless.

For the chronically suicidal, this is the only way we can continue to live. We have to set a goal and say, "if I make it to this, I can revisit my decision to end my life then."

But then you keep moving the goalposts. This is how you turn your life from a seemingly endless exhausting sprint into a manageable relay race.

 

[wr3ck3d]

How would you handle it? Idk what to do at this point. Do I keep going with what I have or change it. It's just endless.

You should do what you think is right for you. No one else can do that for you.

 

[Seven Threads]

No, I don't think it's wrong of you to use whatever is at your disposal to keep holding on. How could it be? Holding on is just kinda what we do, even when we don't really want to at the time. It's in our nature, something primal and automatic, which makes it about as 'wrong' as breathing.

As to whether or not you should keep trying to hold on...I think the answer's still probably yes. Several people have already mentioned that if you're still finding ways to hold on, there may be a reason for it.

What you have to remember is that, at this time, your brain is at war with itself. Part of your brain wants the suffering to end. It doesn't care how, just for it to end. Another part of your brain is struggling to keep you alive at all costs. That's what it evolved to do. And you don't really have a whole lot of say in the matter, in the grand scheme of things.

The only real advice I can give is to try not to be too hard on yourself. The part of you that wants to die is responding to a state of pain and suffering, and you shouldn't feel any guilt about that. It's a deeply human thing to want to escape suffering, and again, as normal as breathing. The part of you that wants to hold on, too, is a deeply human response, and you shouldn't feel guilty or like less of a person for any impulse you have to hold on any way you can. It's not manipulation or cowardice, it's just being human, and feeling the primal drive to resist the call of the void. All of these things are perfectly natural, reasonable, and understandable. The idea of rightness or wrongness really has no place in the mix.

 

[TimeHasCome6]

Thank you guys so much. I really needed to hear that. I'll try to hold on. Thank you for the comment that it is truly a human response. This matters so ouch to me and I don't think I will ever forget it.

No, I don't think it's wrong of you to use whatever is at your disposal to keep holding on. How could it be? Holding on is just kinda what we do, even when we don't really want to at the time. It's in our nature, something primal and automatic, which makes it about as 'wrong' as breathing.

As to whether or not you should keep trying to hold on...I think the answer's still probably yes. Several people have already mentioned that if you're still finding ways to hold on, there may be a reason for it.

What you have to remember is that, at this time, your brain is at war with itself. Part of your brain wants the suffering to end. It doesn't care how, just for it to end. Another part of your brain is struggling to keep you alive at all costs. That's what it evolved to do. And you don't really have a whole lot of say in the matter, in the grand scheme of things.

The only real advice I can give is to try not to be too hard on yourself. The part of you that wants to die is responding to a state of pain and suffering, and you shouldn't feel any guilt about that. It's a deeply human thing to want to escape suffering, and again, as normal as breathing. The part of you that wants to hold on, too, is a deeply human response, and you shouldn't feel guilty or like less of a person for any impulse you have to hold on any way you can. It's not manipulation or cowardice, it's just being human, and feeling the primal drive to resist the call of the void. All of these things are perfectly natural, reasonable, and understandable. The idea of rightness or wrongness really has no place in the mix.