Is it worth killing myself if I'm dirty and cursed?

[Minas]

The problem with recovery, is that even if i agree that maybe my mom was an asshole, and i didn't ask to be born, that still doesn't changes the fact she hates me because i was something bad for her that she DIDNT WANT!

Seriously, How can i redeem that? Why was my birth a bad thing?

How can i walk around being dirty? How can i move on from that? I can't walk around being sinful and always being a bad, unwanted thing that shouldn't have been born. How do i "fix" that???? How do i change it?

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

You can't redeem that, as it isn't a "you problem," so to speak. I don't mean to sound invalidating in any way, but I don't believe it's you who has an issue that needs fixing, but rather your mom.

The only way to move on is for her to change, or for you to leave her behind in your journey to recover. Unfortunately, some people don't change and will only harm you in the long run. You didn't elaborate much but it does seem like this is very distressing to you, and it's something you can't change. You obviously can't change being born, and dying still wouldn't change that.

All in all OP, I really wish you the best and I want you to know that there's nothing wrong with you being born, that's your mom's problem to contend with, not yours. I'm sure you're a wonderful person

 

[Minas]

You can't redeem that, as it isn't a "you problem," so to speak. I don't mean to sound invalidating in any way, but I don't believe it's you who has an issue that needs fixing, but rather your mom.

The only way to move on is for her to change, or for you to leave her behind in your journey to recover. Unfortunately, some people don't change and will only harm you in the long run. You didn't elaborate much but it does seem like this is very distressing to you, and it's something you can't change. You obviously can't change being born, and dying still wouldn't change that.

All in all OP, I really wish you the best and I want you to know that there's nothing wrong with you being born, that's your mom's problem to contend with, not yours. I'm sure you're a wonderful person

But she didn't have a choice either... She couldn't have aborted me. She would be hated, that's how it works in a third world country. I'm a manifestation of everything that was forced upon her, am i not? And if I'm that... it surely makes sense i deserved her abuse, and death.

... how is there nothing wrong with me being born if i represent so many bad things?

 

[MarkSmith73]

The problem with recovery, is that even if i agree that maybe my mom was an asshole, and i didn't ask to be born, that still doesn't changes the fact she hates me because i was something bad for her that she DIDNT WANT!

Seriously, How can i redeem that? Why was my birth a bad thing?

How can i walk around being dirty? How can i move on from that? I can't walk around being sinful and always being a bad, unwanted thing that shouldn't have been born. How do i "fix" that???? How do i change it?

Plenty of people had kids that didn't want them. We all exist for a reason. I know this life sucks but it eventually gets better.

 

[Minas]

Plenty of people had kids that didn't want them. We all exist for a reason. I know this life sucks but it eventually gets better.

Sure hope what's happening on this video is true. If there's truly nothing deeper, like a God or a system or karma or something, that means there's nothing stopping me from killing myself.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Sounds miserable... Naturally it is not even your fault that you exist.

But she didn't have a choice either... She couldn't have aborted me. She would be hated, that's how it works in a third world country. I'm a manifestation of everything that was forced upon her, am i not?

So it was everyone else's fault but her own...

 

[MarkSmith73]

Sure hope what's happening on this video is true. If there's truly nothing deeper, like a God or a system or karma or something, that means there's nothing stopping me from killing myself.

It's definitely true. This earth is just the ultimate learning experience with a lot of pain and suffering. Ultimately I think we have the free will to choose our own destiny without any fears of judgment or punishment. Just one day at a time for me.

 

[Minas]

Sounds miserable... Naturally it is not even your fault that you exist.

So it was everyone else's fault but her own...

Exactly! It's not her fault she had me, That argument doesn't works in my case

How is it her fault if she couldn't choose?

 

[Mebius]

Exactly! It's not her fault she had me, That argument doesn't works in my case

How is it her fault if she couldn't choose?

Uhh? Maybe dont get pregnant in the first place? Its your mother's fault 100%.

 

[Minas]

Uhh? Maybe dont get pregnant in the first place? Its your mother's fault 100%.

Now it's starting to make a little more of sense, Atleast i wasn't born from a rape, or I'd be even more hopeless.

You're suggesting that maybe she didn't think of the consequences and was careless instead?

 

[Mebius]

Now it's starting to make a little more of sense, Atleast i wasn't born from a rape, or I'd be even more hopeless.

You're suggesting that maybe she didn't think of the consequences and was careless instead?

Yes, you said that she had you in a 3rd world country, that alone is a massive mistake. Where are you from if youre okay telling me? Phillipines? India?

 

[Minas]

Yes, you said that she had you in a 3rd world country, that alone is a massive mistake. Where are you from if youre okay telling me? Phillipines? India?

I'm Brazilian. Why asking?

You know that culture where a stressed out mom beating the shit out of her kids with a shoe is seen as normal, and even comedic? That sort of stuff sometimes makes me believe what happened to me isn't even wrong and I'm being bitchy or just weak

Also, why is it a mistake to have me in a 3rd world country?

 

[Mebius]

I'm Brazilian. Why asking?

You know that culture where a stressed out mom beating the shit out of her kids with a shoe is seen as normal, and even comedic? That sort of stuff sometimes makes me believe what happened to me isn't even wrong and I'm being bitchy or just weak

Also, why is it a mistake to have me in a 3rd world country?

Im sorry if I came off as a dick, but im being really honest. Think about this way, what do you think of kids born to poor parents in the slums of India? Maybe some people shouldnt be born.

That said It doesnt automatically mean its over for your life. You can still salvage your life, but I think the only way you and many people can have a peaceful life in this modern hellhole is probably through off grid living. Maybe you should look into that.

Also, NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. You didnt ask to be born, youre just playing the cards you are dealt.

 

[Minas]

Im sorry if I came off as a dick, but im being really honest. Think about this way, what do you think of kids born to poor parents in the slums of India? Maybe some people shouldnt be born.

That said It doesnt automatically mean its over for your life. You can still salvage your life, but I think the only way you and many people can have a peaceful life in this modern hellhole is probably through off grid living. Maybe you should look into that.

Also, NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. You didnt ask to be born, youre just playing the cards you are dealt.

So if i shouldn't be born, you're saying that if i make my life meaning correcting this mistake and giving myself pain before death, I won't be wrong? It could actually be quite right? Both options are right?

Well... I do have a preference. It's a fantasy of mine that killing myself will make me very happy before the lights go out, like a religious, otherworldly experience

 

[Mebius]

So if i shouldn't be born, you're saying that if i make my life meaning correcting this mistake and giving myself pain before death, I won't be wrong? It could actually be quite right? Both options are right?

Well... I do have a preference. It's a fantasy of mine that killing myself will make me very happy before the lights go out, like a religious, otherworldly experience

You can either kill yourself or try living, both options are valid.

If you want to live, you would have to struggle and suffer initially, but you might have some calm later on when you are financially independent, no one bothering you, etc. From here you can cope with consumerism, hobby, etc.

You kill yourself and the story ends here. Oh, and your mother, the way you described her, probably gets relieved that you die, she seems like a massive evil bitch to me, so you might want to consider not giving her the satisfaction.

 

[Minas]

You can either kill yourself or try living, both options are valid.

If you want to live, you would have to struggle and suffer initially, but you might have some calm later on when you are financially independent, no one bothering you, etc. From here you can cope with consumerism, hobby, etc.

You kill yourself and the story ends here. Oh, and your mother, the way you described her, probably gets relieved that you die, she seems like a massive evil bitch to me, so you might want to consider not giving her the satisfaction.

But all my life I've done nothing but please people like her, Maybe that's what I was made to do... I don't see her relieving her one last time as bad.

And if i live, maybe I'll just be found by another person like her? But maybe I'll be happier and more accepting of my purpose as a toy or punching bag

 

[Mebius]

But all my life I've done nothing but please people like her, Maybe that's what I was made to do... I don't see her relieving her one last time as bad.

And if i live, maybe I'll just be found by another person like her? But maybe I'll be happier and more accepting of my purpose as a toy or punching bag

You dont need to be a punching bag if you isolate yourself. Look at people who live off grid/in nature, they are probably happier since they dont get to deal with other people's shit.

This was what I wanted to do initially but I'm too tired so just going to skip to the end and commit suicide in the next few days.

 

[Minas]

You dont need to be a punching bag if you isolate yourself. Look at people who live off grid/in nature, they are probably happier since they dont get to deal with other people's shit.

This was what I wanted to do initially but I'm too tired so just going to skip to the end and commit suicide in the next few days.

Well, that's too bad. I like you, it would be a damn loss in my opinion to lose you.

But I don't want to run away from people like her forever, I know that my place is with them, I won't be happy or fulfilled living off the grid.

The road to my suicide will be a good, filling journey, I'm sure of it. If i stop feeling like i deserve to live, I'll feel less pain, and become even happier if i just accept it as my destiny.

You opened my mind, I was made for her and people like her. I am not human, but a toy, and she's the only one who ever played with me right. My friends aren't wielding me like i should be handled, They don't love me, but my mom did, she's the one who saw the real me.

 

[Mebius]

Well, that's too bad. I like you, it would be a damn loss in my opinion to lose you.

But I don't want to run away from people like her forever, I know that my place is with them, I won't be happy or fulfilled living off the grid.

The road to my suicide will be a good, filling journey, I'm sure of it. If i stop feeling like i deserve to live, I'll feel less pain, and become even happier if i just accept it as my destiny.

You opened my mind, I was made for her and people like her. I am not human, but a toy, and she's the only one who ever played with me right. My friends aren't wielding me like i should be handled, They don't love me, but my mom did, she's the one who saw the real me.

Is there is any consolation for you, it would be that none of this would matter in the end. When you die, the world wouldnt matter. When you die, even your resentment wouldnt matter, because its just completely gone.

Also you seem to have a very low self esteem, you need to realize that none of this is your fault, youre just doing your best with what you are given. And I'm saying this in the most genuine way, none of it is your fault, it was already decided from the start.

 

[Minas]

Is there is any consolation for you, it would be that none of this would matter in the end. When you die, the world wouldnt matter. When you die, even your resentment wouldnt matter, because its just completely gone.

Also you seem to have a very low self esteem, you need to realize that none of this is your fault, youre just doing your best with what you are given. And I'm saying this in the most genuine way, none of it is your fault, it was already decided from the start.

It's okay, I don't see it as my fault anymore, thanks a lot