Is it worth it?

[Fizzy92]

Hello fellow thinkers,

first of all I want to apologize for any mistakes. English is not my native language. If my forumatlions are a bit of and you struggle to understand something, please let me know and I will try to elaborate.

I have thought about ending it all for almost 15 years now. There have been phases with more and less frequent impulses. It all started with my father dying from cancer when I was 12 years old. I guess I never really managed that. Sorry if I sound ridiculous here, I'm sure a lot of you have had a much harder fate.
In general, I have an acceptable live. I think there is many people who would gladly trade with me. I I feel incredbly ungrateful thinking about throwing everything that I have away, but as I said, it has been years now and with the latest developments I don't think I can go on.

I have a few very good friends, a grilfriend for over five years and a loving family (at least I think so, I am the one who doensn't seek to much contact there). But I because of recent events (well, not really recent, these have been developing for a few years without me noticing/realizing but now have very recently become obvious) , not regarding any of those, I don't think there is any use in going on. The last two weeks have been horrible (again, I'm sorry for compalining, I feel incredibly ungrateful), I have barely eaten anything and spent almost all of the time in bed just crying and wishing for it all to be over.

Being not the most uneducated guy out there I have of course researched ways to move on before just jumping into something. I contemplated jumping from a bulding (this would be extremely easy and could be done withing minutes), poison and haning - guns are not really available in my country.

Now I think I have decided on a way to go. But I fear I still have that spark in me, that one bit of hestitance that prevents me from going through with it. This is what I need to talk about. My conscious mind has decided that now is the time to go, but my subconscious obviously is not there yet. Does this mean I should reconsider? Or just force myself into what I know would be best?

I'm devistated in general and in specidifc because of this conflict. If any of you have any advice, please answer to this post. Any help is appreachiated.

PS: Again I apologize for sounding like the biggest drama queen and possibly bad English. Please ignore this.

 

[k75]

Just the fact that you made this thread probably means you're still holding out for something and aren't ready yet. Which is totally ok. It's a huge decision about something that cannot be undone, and so it shouldn't be rushed or forced.

 

[Fizzy92]

Just the fact that you made this thread probably means you're still holding out for something and aren't ready yet. Which is totally ok. It's a huge decision about something that cannot be undone, and so it shouldn't be rushed or forced.

Thank you for your replay.

I guess you are right. But what am I holding on to? I know there is no possible way out of my situation. It's either the end or delaying the end.
It kills me to do this to the people close to me, but I feel like I can't go on anymore....

 

[Uso]

First off, your English is impeccable! You did a great job explaining yourself. Secondly, please don't berate yourself for complaining. Suffering is not a competition. Someone will always have it "worse," which can't even really be quanitified in the first place. Is there only one person in the entire world, the one whose life is the ABSOLUTE WORST, that's allowed to be upset? That's nonsense! Whatever you're going through is disparaging enough that you've come here, and that's all that matters. No matter what, you deserve compassion.

As for your decision, I don't think you should go through with it until you're absolutely sure. Hell, I don't think you'd even be able to do it unless you'd completely made your mind up. Survival instinct is a bitch like that! Death isn't going anywhere. CTB is always an option. Take your time planning everything out and getting all your affairs in order. If you still have something to live for, really consider how much it means to you.

I really hope thing work out for you. Best of luck, Fizzy.

 

[21Neberg]

Hey @Fizzy92, don't be sorry for letting out your feelings. I come from a wealthy background as well, so I know the feeling of not 'deserving' to be suicidal/depressed or any mental illness. The truth is though, anyone can be cursed by mental illness and just because you're lucky with your family does not mean that your issues are any less valid. You are worth it, and I think it's great you had the courage to post your feelings on here.

 

[Fizzy92]

Thank you for taking the time to replay here. Obviously, I haven't found the courage to do anything terminal yet. I still don't know what's holding me back, but I guess whatever it is it's still powerful enough. No good news have come up, but I think I'm just too much of a coward to make a choice.
Have any of you been there? I mean, I am certain that there is no light to reach for, I have exhausted all of my options, but still I can't bring myself to doing the last step.
I don't want to rely on drugs or alcohol to find the courage. I feel like sober me needs to make the last choice. Has anyone of you been in this situation? I don't know what to do here...

I'm sorry if what I'm feeling is trivial to you. I realize that I'm not special in any way or deserve any speical treatment. It's just that I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to in person, and frankly I don't want to talk to anyone I know personally.
I am really sorry to bother any of you. Feel free to ignore my senseless talk.

 

[Fizzy92]

I just almost did it. Neck in noose. Couldn't get myself to just lean in for a few more seconds.
I don't know what to make of this.

 

[Deltrus]

Well you have a choice now. You need a strong will either way. Firstly, you can keep trying to suicide, maybe try full suspension hanging. Or you can say "I have hit rock bottom and can only go up".

What do you think stopped you? Survival instinct? Caring about your family?

 

[Fizzy92]

If I knew what stopped me I could reason against whatever it was.
I think it's really just he basic instinct of knowing that if I manage to slip into unconsciousness with the noose around the neck, then that's it. Nobody will find me in time, I live alone and have no surprising guests to be expected at night.
Of course my family would not be especially happy about it, but I don't really care about that anymore.
My biggest concern is my girlfriend, but being in the mental state I am right now I feel like I'm only burden to her anyway. And I know she would be better off without me.
I going to contiunue drinking and trying. Don't have anything else to do anyway.

 

[Aliaiactaest]

Fizzy, you don't really say why the sudden change in the past few weeks. That might help.

 

[Fizzy92]

What do you mean? That "drop that made the barrel run over" as we say here?
I think I mentioned that I have been closer to and farther away from where I am now for several years. I think it's just a realization that manifested, that everything I did got me to a point of no return. I've never been great in sharing what I feel, and while the anonymity here helps, I'm not comfortable talking about the details.
It really doesn't matter I think, too. I don't want anybody to talk me out of anything. I'm not planning anything for the attention or something. I consider ending myself because I feel like it's the only reasonable solution to my current situation which has been developting for quite some time now.
Putting it that way, I don't even know what made me register here and talk to you guys. I guess I felt like needing to contribute something after having found some useful infomration here...

 

[Aliaiactaest]

Fizzy, yes, that's what I sort of meant. Straw that broke the camel's back as we say here. I get it that you are private and don't want to share. So am I.

 

[Fizzy92]

This night might be it. If my cowardly self can gather the courage to take one step over the ledge.
So maybe not hanging after all, but the 18th floor rooftop garden is a golden opportunity.
Whatever might happen here, I thank everybody for their words here. Just letting some things out was a nice relief.
I wish you all the best. Even tho I'll probably be back tomorrow anyway. Because I can't even do this right.

 

[DeathImminent]

I find it weird that you want to ctb even tho you have girlfriend and family, but you said that you live alone, doesnt that make you suicidal? I wish there would be something that helps you :( you seem like a nice person

 

[Fordprefect]

Hello fellow thinkers,

first of all I want to apologize for any mistakes. English is not my native language. If my forumatlions are a bit of and you struggle to understand something, please let me know and I will try to elaborate.

I have thought about ending it all for almost 15 years now. There have been phases with more and less frequent impulses. It all started with my father dying from cancer when I was 12 years old. I guess I never really managed that. Sorry if I sound ridiculous here, I'm sure a lot of you have had a much harder fate.
In general, I have an acceptable live. I think there is many people who would gladly trade with me. I I feel incredbly ungrateful thinking about throwing everything that I have away, but as I said, it has been years now and with the latest developments I don't think I can go on.

I have a few very good friends, a grilfriend for over five years and a loving family (at least I think so, I am the one who doensn't seek to much contact there). But I because of recent events (well, not really recent, these have been developing for a few years without me noticing/realizing but now have very recently become obvious) , not regarding any of those, I don't think there is any use in going on. The last two weeks have been horrible (again, I'm sorry for compalining, I feel incredibly ungrateful), I have barely eaten anything and spent almost all of the time in bed just crying and wishing for it all to be over.

Being not the most uneducated guy out there I have of course researched ways to move on before just jumping into something. I contemplated jumping from a bulding (this would be extremely easy and could be done withing minutes), poison and haning - guns are not really available in my country.

Now I think I have decided on a way to go. But I fear I still have that spark in me, that one bit of hestitance that prevents me from going through with it. This is what I need to talk about. My conscious mind has decided that now is the time to go, but my subconscious obviously is not there yet. Does this mean I should reconsider? Or just force myself into what I know would be best?

I'm devistated in general and in specidifc because of this conflict. If any of you have any advice, please answer to this post. Any help is appreachiated.

PS: Again I apologize for sounding like the biggest drama queen and possibly bad English. Please ignore this.

Hey there. My first question is: have you tried taking antidepressants? Escitalopram worked like magic for me. Mirtazapine is great as well. Please don't ctb without giving it a try. And take no notice of people who say ADs dont work, that it's mostly placebo. I've been a drug addict for years, I can tell placebo from the real effects of a certain compound in your blood stream: ADs do work. It's just that sometimes you have to go through, like, ten different drugs until you find the one that works for you.