Help Is it worth hanging in there until you're older?

[ClownMe]

Hey everyone, it's my first time posting on here, ive been a long time lurker after being directed here by a comment on youtube (of all things) a while back.

Ive been really hesitant to post because: 1) im not very tech savvy and ive struggled browsing this forum at times (even though im young) and 2) im extremely scared of telling random strangers on the internet about what's going on in my life because im a very private person.

I hope ive formatted this post correctly and posted it in the right section, please inform me if I havent.

Anyway, here it goes...

A bit of backstory about me (because i think it's relevant to the question im asking),

Im a 20 year old male from Australia and ive suffered with horrible depression ever since I was 12 years old and its been unrelenting. My home life has always been abysmal, my mum is a narcassist who blames me for everything, she once even told me to knock myself off, my dad is an alcoholic and I can tell he secretly doesnt care about us despite the act he puts on and I dont really have a relationship with either of my brothers nor do i have any friends, i know a lot of people will say stuff like "oh your family loves you deep down", but the reality is they dont, i know that for a fact. I should note that our family is poor, not necessarily dirt poor but were lower working class and cant afford any luxuries, as a result of this and my mum working weird hours I havent been able to gain my license because I just dont have the time or the funds to practice driving, but even if I did I wouldnt be able to afford my own car, if i need to go anywhere I have to walk or walk and then catch a train. I got my first job at 14 working retail, I then went on to do work experience in the metals and engineering, electrical and labouring fields, I graduated high school in 2019, however I hadnt been able to secure employment until just recently, the only problem is that the job is a KFC a mile away, ive worked it out that ill be getting home by train at around 1am (potentially later) almost every night im rostered on to work there. This all leads me to today, ive lost all my motivation and will to live, i have my induction night tomorrow where I have to meet all the other trainees and do a few other activities but I just couldnt care less, i feel like a zombie, i thought for 2 years that finally landing a job would make me happy, but it hasnt. I dont want to go to this induction night tomorrow but I know if I dont my mum will kick me out and i will be homeless. It doesnt feel like im living right now, once I start this job full time my life will almost literally be work 24/7 due to the travel requirements and the fact i need to fit some kind of sleep in between. I knew I had problems but i think it only just hit me how low ive sunk.

My plan at this moment in time:

The only thing im living for as of this moment is my 13 year old jack russell, i promised myself that no matter how bad things got i would never commit suicide and leave him behind. Ive decided it will have to be after he passes away that i start looking into suicide methods, this could be anywhere upwards of 2 years, he is still relatively healthy for his age.

This is where my question comes into play, do you think i should abort this plan and extend my life at least by a little bit longer? Say, into my 30's or 40's? Im posing this question more to the "older" people on this forum, aged upwards from their early 30's who have had similar experiences to the one ive described above.

Can you get your motivation to live back after such a long time with no motivation?

Is there any worth in living past your early 20's if you're severely depressed?

I really want some honest answers so please dont hold back.

Thank you to anybody who has read this post in it's entirety, i know it's long but i needed to give you all the facts so you can better advise me on my decision.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Hard to say. My life hasn't really worked out at all, but many of my depressed friends have gone on to make pretty good lives for themselves.
Life is a rollercoaster, full of twists and turns, and you never know where it's going to take you. I literally couldn't have predicted anything that has happened to me in my life. You want this, but life gives you that. You try to go somewhere, and life leads you somewhere else.
You can have a little bit of control, but life is mostly unpredictable.

 

[Stolen Absolution]

I think anyone questioning if they should give life a chance, should definitely give life a chance. It sounds like a lot of your struggles are tied to your family environment. What would you think about moving out and starting fresh? I have a nephew who moved out of his parent's house shortly after high school and was able to afford it by sharing the rent on a home with some buddies/roommates.

I'm sorry you've been struggling for so long. I know what that's like. I've been depressed since I was young, and I'm in my late 30's now. I've had my ups and downs, and thought I might even make it out okay. You're still young. You have no idea where life could take you. Maybe gaining some independence could be your first step into something amazing. Who knows. But I do think it's worth giving it that chance.

All my best to you.

 

[hfdepression30]

I don't know how much I can say that will be helpful, but I think it's important to at least be able to say "I tried - I tried my best to change my life". I attempted suicide on my 20th birthday after suffering years of depression, without working or studying, I had crippling anxiety and was dealing with an eating disorder. Following that attempt, I was taken to hospital, then a police cell overnight and then taken to a psychiatric hospital where I stayed for a month. Compared to the state I was in, you seem quite rational and logical in wanting to change your life around before making any harsh decisions, and that's exactly what I did too. It was a long recovery but I eventually got to the point where I decided I had to make a real effort to live - like you, one of the major decisions for me wanting to try was because we got a cat and she became my whole world. Anyway, I made a list of all the things getting me down, which ones can I actively start making changes to and seeking opportunities that could get me on my feet. I took unpaid work experience and I volunteered before I was able to find a proper job. That job meant I had to work shifts.. on an early shift I was waking up at 3:20am, to get ready and catch a bus at 4am, approximately a 40 minute bus journey to start work at 5am which would then be a 12 hour shift. On a late shift I wouldn't get home until just after midnight. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices to get on our feet, develop a regular routine and be independent. I don't drive and I've spent a fortune on buses, trains and taxis but I did what I needed to do. The hours aren't ideal but at least it's earning you a living, and it's all temporary if you want it to be; save, get your experience and you can start looking for a new job in your own time - your boss doesn't need to know.

Calculate your earnings, and perhaps look into house shares closer to your job. House shares can be pretty cheap if you don't mind sharing a kitchen and/or bathroom.. at least you get your own room and space away from your family if that's what you want. It sounds like a lot of changes and that can be scary, but if we want to progress and change our lives then risks need to be taken and allowing ourselves to step out of our comfort zone.

Make lists. Do a lot of research and find all the opportunities local to you; whether it's work or study, maybe you can find some sort of government support. At your age, I think it's wise to get yourself a chance because you never know where it can take you. I'm 31 now. I got an extra 11 years and gained a lot of experiences from it.

I'm not a pro-lifer or trying to force or encourage any decision for you; you're wise enough to make that decision yourself, but for me, I've been there and there are options if you want to live and you look hard enough for them. Best of luck to you.

 

[BandAddict]

Welcome to SS.

I'm not great with life advice, but I can say that shit can change really fast or unexpectedly. Sometimes it doesn't, but if you're trying to do stuff, it's more likely. I would reccomend trying to find help somehow. I don't know much about Australia tbh, but if there's any way at all that you can find help for free or something, like some kind of program, that could be beneficial to you. It's worth a shot. Also, I'd say get tf out of your parents' house, but by the sound of it, it seems like it would be difficult...

I'm sorry you're struggling so much and have no support from your family. I hope things look up for you.

 

[usernameforhere]

Sorry you're going through this. Rough situation to be in.

my dad is an alcoholic sociopath. you know when I look at him and I notice how different his eyes look then someone who doesn't act so bizarrely I remember what my grandmothers eyes looked like. i Guess generational trauma is real. My mom, she isn't a narcissist but she's something.

growing up was difficult. I hated my stepfather to the point I used to escape to my sociopathic fathers house to get away.

my best years were after college. College itself was ok, just worked a lot.

after college was fun. Remember being able to go on ski trips with friends, remember taking vacations to large American cities, keeping an active social life, spending weekends on the beach may to September, grilling in the back yard after the beach.

tbh if I went out when I was 20 I would have missed the best years.