Discussion Is it weird that I want to be at my best one more time before killing myself?

[Oblivion Lover]

I've spent so much time feeling miserable and waking up dreading life, I think that I deserve at least one more day of feeling happy with myself. I've even started doing healthy things such as exercise, reading and taking more care with my appearance, but not because I plan on recovering, but because I want to be at my best state of mind and body when I make my final decision. Since my second (impulsive) attempt failed, I'm back to my original plan of killing myself in my birthday with a trustworthy method, and that gives me 29 days to achieve all the goals I've set for myself. I think it could be considered as some sort of "bucket list", right? I know that I'll not be able to die completely peacefully without waking up at least one day and think "so that's what enjoying life and not hating yourself feels like...". Does anyone here can relate to this? Do you guys think it is weird that I want to improve myself for now despite of being hell-bent on ctb later?

 

[JulienSorel]

Not at all. I have been suicidal for some years now, and I feel like I have squeezed out what little life I have left. I have some great memories that I am proud of, and I am going to spend these last few days writing of them.

 

[NextBusLeaving]

Life goes up and down. Living is in the dips and climbs. Always feeling good = the equivalent hell of always feeling bad.

 

[scorpiooo2]

I would love to be happy again even just once. I ruined my whole life in about a month. I'm ready to get this life over with.

 

[NextBusLeaving]

im a firm believer that you cant ruin everything. I have been at the bottom but working my way back up. What happened?

 

[andy69]

I've spent so much time feeling miserable and waking up dreading life, I think that I deserve at least one more day of feeling happy with myself. I've even started doing healthy things such as exercise, reading and taking more care with my appearance, but not because I plan on recovering, but because I want to be at my best state of mind and body when I make my final decision. Since my second (impulsive) attempt failed, I'm back to my original plan of killing myself in my birthday with a trustworthy method, and that gives me 29 days to achieve all the goals I've set for myself. I think it could be considered as some sort of "bucket list", right? I know that I'll not be able to die completely peacefully without waking up at least one day and think "so that's what enjoying life and not hating yourself feels like...". Does anyone here can relate to this? Do you guys think it is weird that I want to improve myself for now despite of being hell-bent on ctb later?

I think we have the same birthday. October. I'm dieting and exercising. I don't why.

 

[mathieu]

I'm dieting and exercising trying to get to my ideal weight, even though I want to CTB. Since getting N from A has failed it will be a while before I have the money to order from B and see how that goes. I just really want to feel slim again whether I die soon or not.

 

[BobbyPellitt]

I've spent so much time feeling miserable and waking up dreading life, I think that I deserve at least one more day of feeling happy with myself. I've even started doing healthy things such as exercise, reading and taking more care with my appearance, but not because I plan on recovering, but because I want to be at my best state of mind and body when I make my final decision. Since my second (impulsive) attempt failed, I'm back to my original plan of killing myself in my birthday with a trustworthy method, and that gives me 29 days to achieve all the goals I've set for myself. I think it could be considered as some sort of "bucket list", right? I know that I'll not be able to die completely peacefully without waking up at least one day and think "so that's what enjoying life and not hating yourself feels like...". Does anyone here can relate to this? Do you guys think it is weird that I want to improve myself for now despite of being hell-bent on ctb later?

It's not weird to give life one more chance before ctb. In fact, I'm planning to do the same thing. I've spend most of my life escaping from reality through YouTube, movies, video games, porn, etc. I know it's pathetic, but this distractions are the only thing keeping my life bearable, my life support. Since I'm planning to ctb before 2020, I'm gonna give life one more chance by pulling my life support away completely (games, movies, porn) and try my absolute best (workout, socialize). Unless my life turns around 180 degrees, I'll most likely still ctb.

 

[okaoki]

sadly i don't have bucket list , i live a poor lonely life , did not enjoy much , i can't even enjoy what i enjoyed before
movies tv etc , i probably eat a Mcdonald set meal before CTB. i can't feel anything now .

 

[H2H2]

I dont think there is anything weird about it. I think it makes your suicide feel an even more personal choice imo if it ends up happening. Being caring and gentle with yourself is a great way of leaving this world if you really have to.

On the other hand, unless all hope is lost, the more healthy things you do the higher the chance you can find some strength or hope to try again. Living your last days in the most non-cynical way seems to me the best bet if you really need something sort of a miracle to happen to you to not ctb.

Its a win- win situation whatever you choose at the end.

 

[GeorgeJL]

It's normal IMO. It's a way to help reconcile your life.

 

[Painpleasure]

I find it mildly ironic how I still incessantly use mouthwash everyday while still planning suicide everyday. Like, what's the point if I'm going to off myself soon right??! Lol.

I guess this boils down to good habits and having a fundemental respect for my BODY, despite not liking my LIFE.