Is it weird if I pretend it's you?

[not_a_robot]

So. I have felt these suicidal feelings all my life.
But I never once found anyone who could tolerate me expressing them.
Until All Of You.
I've only been here a month.
My IRL is going to hell because people around me don't understand me at all. Literally every person whose job is to protect me has attacked me.
But none of you have.
What makes us all so different from the rest?
What makes us think we understand each other, when no one else ever has?
Now I'm sitting in a bar.
I wear earplugs so I can't hear anyone.
I block out their words.
I watch them all stare at their phones, typing away.
Looking at nobody.
Is it weird, if I pretend that ten feet away from me, they are actually you?
I don't know who any of you are.
No one ever does.
You could be anybody.

 

[SinisterKid]

I am whoever you want me to be. Never far away, but always a pain in the ass

 

[LaBrava]

What makes us all so different from the rest?

Hard to say, but a common thread here is people who have never felt that they fit in in what is called normal society.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

 

[Empty Smile]

Just imagine me as the creepy drunk guy sitting in the dark corner of the bar, who keeps staring at you....

 

[FauxEmotions]

I believe the anonymity allows us to fully express our thoughts/emotions. When people are fully expressing themselves without filter, it takes an insanely evil person to combat that with negativity/rudeness/trolling.

 

[not_a_robot]

Just imagine me as the creepy drunk guy sitting in the dark corner of the bar, who keeps staring at you....

I just waved at you.
You pretended to look down at your phone,
and blushed.

 

[Empty Smile]

I just waved at you.
You pretended to look down at your phone,
and blushed.

I don't know if I blushed, but I looked down at my phone wondering how the hell you saw me while I'm sitting in a dark corner..

 

[262653]

It's the only place I know where not just we can talk about suicide relatively freely without getting silenced, but where suicidal people can talk just about anything...
Its probably feels very relieving... being looked down upon your whole life and then finding a place for other stigmatized people to gather and chat, talk, discuss.
Maybe that contrast is what makes some of us feel understood.
Damn, that would be nice... anyone here from Kiev? I know it's a longshot but still... And internet allows for a more thoughtful communication anyway.
I think there are much more... just like with abnormal sexuality. Not everyone is open about it. I'm not. Not to real life people at least.

 

[Jean Améry]

Sure, if you buy me a drink first. I take my double single malt on the rocks. Scottish if you please, I'm not too picky on the precise origin but I do prefer the heavier, smokey stuff. One warning though: if I get drunk I tend to get really nihilistic. Really dark shit like the horror of birth, the suffering in the world, death and the wish for a sweet release. Oh wait, I don't really need to get drunk for that...

Obviously this is a subculture of people who have at least one thing in common. A thing which transcends ordinary boundaries. Lets call it 'this thing of ours'...

Obviously we don't know if we really understand one-another: we are all fundamentally alone and on our own after all. Language is a crude, inefficient medium but at least our experiences, thoughts and feelings seem to be more in alignment than those of the common herd.

Quite frankly I'm still not sure whether being here is a good idea or not. There's pro's and con's to everything of course. I opt for not overanalyzing it for now. Cheers to all of you.

 

[not_a_robot]

I don't know if I blushed, but I looked down at my phone wondering how the hell you saw me while I'm sitting in a dark corner..

It's still early here. Beer lunch when friends CTB.

 

[Morphinekiss]

If someone strips over her own two feet it's me, I'm clumsy as hell

But really I found myself doing this the other day, wondering if the guy drawing my blood was on here, the checker at Walmart, etc. My neighbor could be on here and I wouldn't know. And I kinda like imagining that.

 

[inconsequential]

I'm the one who asked for water and doesn't seem like they should be there.

 

[sadbunny]

Yes, it's me. I see you

​

 

[Jean Améry]

Yes, it's me. I see you

Just imagine if that was actually true... Lol.

 

[SinisterKid]

Just imagine if that was actually true... Lol.

Stop it Jean, you are freakin me out

 

[Jean Améry]

Stop it Jean, you are freakin me out

And that wasn't even my intention, lol.

Lets play the game of 'I spy with my little eye', shall we?

Just think of what an incredible coincidence it would be if two people here actually knew each-other IRL without being aware of the connection to SS. Now imagine that person would actually CTB and you found out about it...

Ok, now I'm weirding myself out. I'm done now, really I am.

 

[HitchHiker]

So. I have felt these suicidal feelings all my life.
But I never once found anyone who could tolerate me expressing them.
Until All Of You.
I've only been here a month.
My IRL is going to hell because people around me don't understand me at all. Literally every person whose job is to protect me has attacked me.
But none of you have.
What makes us all so different from the rest?
What makes us think we understand each other, when no one else ever has?
Now I'm sitting in a bar.
I wear earplugs so I can't hear anyone.
I block out their words.
I watch them all stare at their phones, typing away.
Looking at nobody.
Is it weird, if I pretend that ten feet away from me, they are actually you?
I don't know who any of you are.
No one ever does.
You could be anybody.

You write so beautifully, I hope you don't mind me saying.

 

[Dartz]

So. I have felt these suicidal feelings all my life.
But I never once found anyone who could tolerate me expressing them.
Until All Of You.
I've only been here a month.
My IRL is going to hell because people around me don't understand me at all. Literally every person whose job is to protect me has attacked me.
But none of you have.
What makes us all so different from the rest?
What makes us think we understand each other, when no one else ever has?
Now I'm sitting in a bar.
I wear earplugs so I can't hear anyone.
I block out their words.
I watch them all stare at their phones, typing away.
Looking at nobody.
Is it weird, if I pretend that ten feet away from me, they are actually you?
I don't know who any of you are.
No one ever does.
You could be anybody.

This is beautiful, thank you

 

[not_a_robot]

You write so beautifully, I hope you don't mind me saying.

Beer wrote that.

 

[Jean Améry]

Beer wrote that.

You're too modest. Who put that beer into you after all?

 

[21Neberg]

Beer wrote that.

No, you did! And it was written beautifully

 

[Life sucks]

I'm whatever you want me to be.

 

[cornflowerblue]

I've wondered this too. My cashiers, hairdresser, doctors, local takeout restaurant staff, gaming friends, real life friends, random people I see on reddit, professional work community... anyone could be on here.

 

[Empty Smile]

It's still early here. Beer lunch when friends CTB.

I know.. looks like I'll be doing some drinking tonight.

 

[Onomotopoeia]

So. I have felt these suicidal feelings all my life.
But I never once found anyone who could tolerate me expressing them.
Until All Of You.
I've only been here a month.
My IRL is going to hell because people around me don't understand me at all. Literally every person whose job is to protect me has attacked me.
But none of you have.
What makes us all so different from the rest?
What makes us think we understand each other, when no one else ever has?
Now I'm sitting in a bar.
I wear earplugs so I can't hear anyone.
I block out their words.
I watch them all stare at their phones, typing away.
Looking at nobody.
Is it weird, if I pretend that ten feet away from me, they are actually you?
I don't know who any of you are.
No one ever does.
You could be anybody.

I would have to leave my house to be 10 ft away from anybody :)

Still, it is a curious thought. We find comfort here because we feel like we can talk freely but I bet it's less about quantity of people who feel this way and more about the stigma that prevents anyone from really talking about it.

If I had to guess we all know at least one other person who is suicidal and shares the mindset that it should be ok. The trouble is that's not light or safe conversations and you probably cant get into it over text so..

 

[ladolcemorte]

I think being seriously suicidal is something you can't understand unless you've been there. People who haven't been there just get scared. Or annoyed. And they just don't understand.

 

[agreement]

In the last month I've been doing slightly "better" with less suicidal thoughts and less crippling depression.
I feel even like talking with my friends after months and months of isolation.
So I play the conversation in my mind until I arrive at the:
"you know, right? Even if now I'm feeling a little better, I'm still totally sure that I'll kill myself in the matter of weeks."(no one knows it IRL)
At that point my will to talk with another human being ends.
I'm better, but not enough to fake that I'm a normie.

So you're right, here is a safe space for us.

 

[KN95]

You write so beautifully, I hope you don't mind me saying.

I swear this is from a scene in the tv show Mr Robot

 

[RM5998]

I'm the guy with the weird blue nonalcoholic drink. If I start drinking vodka neat, you might want to stay away. I'm a shitty person when I'm drunk and unreserved.