Help is it true all we can do is keep living in pain or die?

[loslassen]

my thoughts aren't very coherent right now so I'll just blurt out what I feel. for context, suicidal ideation began for me when I was around 11, my sister was suicidal and got admitted into a mental hospital, my mother was too busy working all week and drinking all weekend, and my dad was gone for reasons I didn't know back then. now that I know I don't really resent him since I found out he suffered just as much, and I never really did resent him. either way, I never really resented… anyone in my family. I was so convinced that they needed me that there was no room for my feelings and I never believed it was unfair so long I was being helpful and making a positive effect on them.

even today I still don't resent them.

but I feel so, sad, about the fact no matter how many times I address these feelings, the abandonment continues. I don't want to take credit from their progress, my parents separated and my sister is an adult now, I'm barely turning 19 next year and i'm not studying so all I do is work remotely from home. I'm just, alone most of the time.

this loneliness became my only companionship. until I met my partner.

I've suffered so long that now I feel like all I do is cry around him, complain and complain… I'm always looking for sexual gratification from him but he turns me down more of the times than not. I feel bad, really bad about this… my mentality is relatively healthy because even with access to nicotine, tabaco, alcohol etc I haven't abused it, I think heavily of it but I haven't allowed myself to be dependent of any substances or chemicals, yet I think my brain seriously wants some kind of relief because I am hyper sexual and it's shameful.

Im just so lucky he genuinely loves me because I feel like another partner would've been so frustrated by their inability to make me happy all the time. he does make me happy to the core, though, i'm sure he knows this and it's why he doesn't give up. i'm so lucky to have him… I love him so much.

and yet, I still hide myself in the closet ready to tighten a cord around my neck.

at this point in my life, having tried everything, he's all I have left. but he's so far away and the chances of seeing each other are slim.
I just, keep pushing. it's been two years of disappointment after disappointment, I want to study and do big things but, it just seems like i can count less and less on my parents. they've failed so terribly in allowing me to develop, all i've done is learned how to be self sufficient, which is nice, because there are a lot of adults out there that can't. but i never finished studying, I learned and did sexual things extremely prematurely, I've worked and made money to sustain my family since I was 13. they're not bad people I swear they're not… they don't beat me or force me to to these things, but I know if *I* don't do it… then I don't get to eat..

god, it sounds so pathetic. and I'm so alone right now, so damn alone, I can't even feel grateful or happy or excited for the somewhat bettering things, because they're ripped from me so abruptly. my mom got a job recently and she had started to send us money for food finally, but I just argued with her and she's calling me names, I might as well just ask her to stop sending money if she doesn't stop without me asking first. she's so divided, so convinced me and my dad and my sister hate her or something, but she doesn't even try to know more about me as a person, all she wants to do is control what and when I eat, where I go, who I meet, what I do, and freaks out whenever I don't answer…

my dad and I have been growing closer, I believe, but part of me is just doing it as an act because if I can at least do something is reassure and motivate him, because I know he's been doing so hard too. I can't imagine how he will feel when I die.

my sister she… it's like I have two relationships with her, in one of them she treats me well, buys me snacks, asks to hangout with me, dumps all her pains on me, and in the other she pushes me away, yet has the nerve to throw it in to me and say that I'm the one pushing her away. she treats me so poorly.

my best friend has recently become one of the closest people in my life, and she's been doing so many favors for me since I haven't had water in months, she lets me shower at her place and I enjoy comforting her and listening to her. it's really trustworthy, I've been able to open up a little more but recently she said something along the lines of "me being her therapist".. I couldn't express my discomfort towards that, so I just laughed it off. she's constantly making suicidal jokes but when we got to talk more about death she says she can't fathom the thought of it. I realize she truly doesn't know me and that makes me sad, she only knows the empathetic me, the happy me, the loving me. which is totally fine but I can't imagine how it will hit her when I'm gone, I hope she cherishes it.

I'm kind of trailing off but if you've read this far, thank you for caring. what I wanted to get to is, I just experienced a major, major disappointment over something that could've fixed my life almost entirely. I'm taking it like a champ, or so they say, because i didn't expect much from it just in case this happened.. there is still hope, I believe, and I'd take pride in it if things do get better because shit, I've endured so much.

but until then, I'm wondering if all I really have is choosing between this suffering or just dying… because I feel so, helpless.

I have to start thinking of a way to sustain myself if my parents end up to continue failing me. my partner is getting a job but I'd be a terrible burden, he comes from a comfortable average home, he has his chance to move forward and start his life, make a saving account, pay his own tuition, buy a car, and me… I'm just an illiterate drag, if not a damn responsibility because I'm wanting to die all the time.

at least, I already know where and how I can take my life if it comes crashing down on me.

 

[Adûnâi]

You should either not leave your bf (because chances are he might not find anyone else), OR leave him (because you deserve a physical relationship, not a long-distance one). At least, those were my thoughts. Also, your mom sounds narcissistic, treating you as part of her own mind.

 

[-Link-]

I read every word you said here, and I'm sorry you're suffering so badly and being failed by external factors like a challenging family dynamic and financial pressures.

You said this "sounds so pathetic," but what I'm gathering here is that you must actually be a very strong person -- quite the opposite of "pathetic." I say this because even as you're dealing with this persistent, intense suffering that's also being aggravated by factors outside your control, you're still persevering through it. I hope you can see the kind of strength it actually takes to do this and give yourself credit for keeping that forward motion in your life despite facing these challenges.

Is it true all we can do is keep living in pain or die?

What is construed as "pain" will vary from person to person. For some people, mere existence qualifies as "pain." For everyone else, "pain" occurs on a spectrum, at least from the standpoint of how much is tolerable before death becomes the better option.

If mere existence is painful for you, then I suppose the answer is, "Yes."

But if you're like most other people who live on a spectrum of pain tolerance, then the answer is, "No." There are usually going to be options to try to relieve some of that pain to make life more tolerable (or at least "less painful"). What those options are, would depend on what's causing you this pain.

For you, I think the first step would be to see a doctor, if you can, and start a course of mental health treatment. If a doctor is not an option right now, then I'd look at local community resources as far as any support groups for any issues you relate to and see about attending a group if for no other reason than to be around other people who are accustomed to the kind of suffering you're experiencing. This could also double as an opportunity to meet new people -- people who may be better positioned to offer a mutually supportive connection.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

In my case, all I can do is either live in pain or die since existence itself is painful for me and every moment of me being alive is absolutely harmful for me. I hate existence so much. Your case is more complicated than mine so I can't really give advice at all. I just hope that you find peace soon

 

[loslassen]

I read every word you said here, and I'm sorry you're suffering so badly and being failed by external factors like a challenging family dynamic and financial pressures.

You said this "sounds so pathetic," but what I'm gathering here is that you must actually be a very strong person -- quite the opposite of "pathetic." I say this because even as you're dealing with this persistent, intense suffering that's also being aggravated by factors outside your control, you're still persevering through it. I hope you can see the kind of strength it actually takes to do this and give yourself credit for keeping that forward motion in your life despite facing these challenges.


What is construed as "pain" will vary from person to person. For some people, mere existence qualifies as "pain." For everyone else, "pain" occurs on a spectrum, at least from the standpoint of how much is tolerable before death becomes the better option.

If mere existence is painful for you, then I suppose the answer is, "Yes."

But if you're like most other people who live on a spectrum of pain tolerance, then the answer is, "No." There are usually going to be options to try to relieve some of that pain to make life more tolerable (or at least "less painful"). What those options are, would depend on what's causing you this pain.

For you, I think the first step would be to see a doctor, if you can, and start a course of mental health treatment. If a doctor is not an option right now, then I'd look at local community resources as far as any support groups for any issues you relate to and see about attending a group if for no other reason than to be around other people who are accustomed to the kind of suffering you're experiencing. This could also double as an opportunity to meet new people -- people who may be better positioned to offer a mutually supportive connection.

thank you for this, I'm wishing the same genuine empathy you're offering comes back at you, I'm not sure why you're on this site and I'm sure whatever the reason is its just as valuable, yet I can see that you are also someone who's still here for a reason. again, thank you.