Venting Is it really worth dying for this reason?

[discman19999]

Hi,
I have no disease or any other form of long term suffering. I am almost 40 and up until now my life was great. I got a wife I met her when I was 20. We have two kids, we both have great jobs we have money all week to be fine .

Two weeks ago she stated she is breaking up because she was unhappy for the past years. She said she dropped hints I didn't catch, and that her love feelings are completely gone.

We still live together. I am crushed since then everyday is getting worse. When one day I don't have that chest pain of fear, I think a bit about a future. I can't imagine a life without her. I can't imagine living alone with my kids only there for limited time. I can't imagine doing stuff with my kids without my wife being around , we always had fun the 4 of us.

The weird thing is she is still wantijg me to stay in the apartment and to do stuff together with the kids. I told her it breaks me because I have to cry constantly each day behind their backs. I have chest pain, I have death wishes.

I read about the manual and I am about to get SN and the meds in the protocol to execute it. But I have my doubts. I don't really want to die. I just want my old life. I want to be happy family I want it all to be reversed but since this is no possibility I lean more and more towards ctb.
I don't care so much about the consequences of the left behind because I will be dead. But I am afraid , SI is strong I just want the pain to be gone and also I don't want the future that is ahead of me.

 

[TBONTB]

Hi,
I have no disease or any other form of long term suffering. I am almost 40 and up until now my life was great. I got a wife I met her when I was 20. We have two kids, we both have great jobs we have money all week to be fine .

Two weeks ago she stated she is breaking up because she was unhappy for the past years. She said she dropped hints I didn't catch, and that her love feelings are completely gone.

We still live together. I am crushed since then everyday is getting worse. When one day I don't have that chest pain of fear, I think a bit about a future. I can't imagine a life without her. I can't imagine living alone with my kids only there for limited time. I can't imagine doing stuff with my kids without my wife being around , we always had fun the 4 of us.

The weird thing is she is still wantijg me to stay in the apartment and to do stuff together with the kids. I told her it breaks me because I have to cry constantly each day behind their backs. I have chest pain, I have death wishes.

I read about the manual and I am about to get SN and the meds in the protocol to execute it. But I have my doubts. I don't really want to die. I just want my old life. I want to be happy family I want it all to be reversed but since this is no possibility I lean more and more towards ctb.
I don't care so much about the consequences of the left behind because I will be dead. But I am afraid , SI is strong I just want the pain to be gone and also I don't want the future that is ahead of me.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds so painful. And shock and loss like this makes each day an ordeal.

I think it's too soon though to decide to CTB. You were happy and enjoying life before this painful shock. To me that says there is a very good chance you will feel this way again. The pain will get softer, you will have fun, you will enjoy your morning coffee, you will make new friends

And of course you have your children. They will be hurt by your CTB, so it's worth trying to hold on for a while, if you can, for them.

So what can you do right now to help make your adjustment? Do you have the ability or resources to find counseling or perhaps a divorce support group? Also, Chat GPT can be a good little therapist.

Sending best wishes

 

[somewhatdeadly]

looks like it

 

[AutisticAcademic]

That is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. As an autistic person, mentioning that she said you missed social cues really made me feel your heartache.

The decision to end one's life is personal and only you can decide what a "good" reason is. But since you asked the opinions of the group, I would say it's not a good reason *at this time.* You are in shock and in the very first stages of grieving. It's never good to make big life (or death) decisions when emotions are high.

I think you should commit to giving life without her a fair shot. Set goals on moving forward (getting your own space, separating accounts, joining a club or activity to make new social connections). Maybe set a timeline (e.g. 1 year) and re-evaluate.

It is very possible you will look back and be grateful you gave yourself a second chance at life. It's also possible you won't. In that case, you can pass knowing you gave life your best effort.

 

[PI3.14]

Loneliness is extremely painful and I don't blame you wanting to CTB to avoid it.

However, it's too soon. I don't know if you both had a discussion already or not. Like what is exactly going on in her head.

Can you both do something to rekindle that love? Travelling together without the kids for example. Spending more quality time together, like going on dates.

Idk, I've never been in a relationship, but ordering SN after just two weeks is something I'm personally against, especially that you mention that you generally have a good life and I suppose fixing this current issue will mean that you're back to your good life again.

Take sometime, both of you, understand what's going on and what could be done.

 

[discman19999]

It's passed that she definitely wants to end the relationship. She kinda wants me around because she also has trouble being alone. But there is no hope to rekindle. She made that so clear that it hurt a lot. I was left before ok it was 20 years ago but I still know what's ahead of me but this time it's much worse because of the kids and I can't even remember how life is as single being

 

[getoutgirl]

A separation and specially one of such time spent together is one of the worst things to go through. I'm really sorry it happened and that you are now feeling this way because of it. It is completely understandable you do though.

I read about the manual and I am about to get SN and the meds in the protocol to execute it. But I have my doubts. I don't really want to die. I just want my old life. I want to be happy family I want it all to be reversed but since this is no possibility I lean more and more towards ctb.

Reading this I'm inclined to believe you do want to live, but are going through an extremely bad crisis. In a vulnerable position like that impulse can be a real risk, specially if you are going through it alone.
Clearly I don't know about you or your situation to counsel you in a meaningful way, but If I could share my opinion that would be that what you need most at the moment is support.
If you have great jobs and thus can afford it, I would contact a mental health professional immediately. Maybe one specialized in this, which there are plenty of. You do need that help, and it probably won't sort out everything immediately, it is bound to be a hard change in your life as a whole, but it can make it manageable sooner, easier to go through. And I'm sure any easier for your current mood and feelings it'd get would be greatly appreciated. You cannot stay like this.

A lot of people go through this, a lot of people make it out the other end. It is normal and human that you feel this way at the moment, as awful as it is. You can still be there for your children and live a life I think you still want to live, even if it all seems fuzzy and uncertain now, take it as easy as you can, please get support, and hold on to anything at the moment.
I hope it gets better and easier for you, I know it can. Big hug your way <3