Venting Is it rational for me to ctb

[Jessicastripout]

I'm going to give a background to who I am and why I want to die

I'm 18 years old.
I have severe complex post traumatic stress disorder from very extensive abuse from a young age up until this year.
I'm transgender male to female, I was abused in part due to this, and alot of my trauma is related to not being able to see myself as a woman because of abuse, and intrusive thoughts due to being forced to act like a male for years.

My parents and sister abused me, my dad physically abused me, mentally abused me, threatened to kill me, and denied me healthcare when I needed it.
My sister tried to stab me several times and physically attacked me, and in general made my life hell.
My mom was complacent in all of this and shamed me anytime I tried to stand up for myself.

Every single day consists of rooting my way through dysphoria from not being physically a woman, rooting my way through intrusive thoughts, and rooting my way through existential dread.

There has been only one single time in my life I've felt genuine joy and peace, and it's when I realized around age 11 that I'm transgender, for a while I felt genuine hope and happiness because I could imagine myself as a girl and as a genuine human being, not a disassociated husk.

Then my parents found out, and screamed at me, and screamed and screamed.

I was put in a religious school for 2 years and ever since then I've felt nothing but very severe disassociation, nothing but utter misery, I've been taking hormones but due to medical issues I've not even been able to transition.

I have no real desire to live anymore and every day is just nonstop suffering.

I have the ability to transition now, but I don't know if i should keep fighting to do it, or just give up now because theres still so much suffering and emptiness ahead of me, and I don't even know if it's possible to save my mind anymore, or if it's left me.

If I get anyone telling me "that trans stuff is nonsense" I'm just blocking them immediately, I've heard it for my entire god damn life.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

The best revenge is a life well lived. You're 18 and can move out. Find some organization to help you. You may not have found happiness in the past but maybe you can find it in the future.

 

[Jessicastripout]

The best revenge is a life well lived. You're 18 and can move out. Find some organization to help you. You may not have found happiness in the past but maybe you can find it in the future.

I've moved out, been out since may.

I don't think I have it in me anymore to try

 

[Xerxes]

How are your parents not in jail for child abuse?

You can't find peace when your family is against you day in and day out, but you're 18 now. You're an adult, and yes there is a long road of recovery for you whenever you get out of that situation to where you can focus on yourself. Jazzy is right, the best revenge is a life well-lived. You move far away from your family, find social services to help you out, rebuild your mind, live as a female free from abuse.

If you don't mind me asking, what country are you from?

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

You're feeling down but you can keep going. Don't give up.

 

[Jessicastripout]

How are your parents not in jail for child abuse?

You can't find peace when your family is against you day in and day out, but you're 18 now. You're an adult, and yes there is a long road of recovery for you whenever you get out of that situation to where you can focus on yourself. Jazzy is right, the best revenge is a life well-lived. You move far away from your family, find social services to help you out, rebuild your mind, live as a female free from abuse.

If you don't mind me asking, what country are you from?

I had cps open several cases, it's in a small county in ohio so it's very conservative and noone really cares if someone abuses their kid (especially since im trans)

I've moved out of their house, been out since may.

I have someone I live with who's helping me, but I don't feel I want to keep going.

 

[Johnnythefox]

I've moved out, been out since may.

I don't think I have it in me anymore to try

I agree with jazz, you are still young and you should live the life you want for you!

 

[NumbItAll]

It is inexcusable how you have been treated and I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. I will never understand why people have to be assholes for no reason when they could just be supportive instead. As for whether it's rational to ctb, that is totally subjective and only you can make that call. Maybe you could attempt the transition and see if things improve first.

 

[Shewaitsforme]

Only you can say if its rational. Way i see CTB personally is i can only do it afyer ive tried evrything even if that means more suffering in the meantime. Ive cosidered the action of doing it, researched, tried to get help. Really have a sit down and really really think, if your unsure if your being rational then there is maybe some doubt in your mind, explore what that it. Can you transition? Can you move away where you can be accepted? Even ask yourself why you are still here so far. You may at the end still think this is the right path, atleast your mind will be more at peace with yourself, fuck anyone else, this is about you and your life, its your choice, be selfish and think about you. Can you survive this, if the answer is maybe then look for a way to make that happen, you can always end your life so dont do it unsure and rush the decision :)

 

[Kitsunefox]

I'm going to give a background to who I am and why I want to die

I'm 18 years old.
I have severe complex post traumatic stress disorder from very extensive abuse from a young age up until this year.
I'm transgender male to female, I was abused in part due to this, and alot of my trauma is related to not being able to see myself as a woman because of abuse, and intrusive thoughts due to being forced to act like a male for years.

My parents and sister abused me, my dad physically abused me, mentally abused me, threatened to kill me, and denied me healthcare when I needed it.
My sister tried to stab me several times and physically attacked me, and in general made my life hell.
My mom was complacent in all of this and shamed me anytime I tried to stand up for myself.

Every single day consists of rooting my way through dysphoria from not being physically a woman, rooting my way through intrusive thoughts, and rooting my way through existential dread.

There has been only one single time in my life I've felt genuine joy and peace, and it's when I realized around age 11 that I'm transgender, for a while I felt genuine hope and happiness because I could imagine myself as a girl and as a genuine human being, not a disassociated husk.

Then my parents found out, and screamed at me, and screamed and screamed.

I was put in a religious school for 2 years and ever since then I've felt nothing but very severe disassociation, nothing but utter misery, I've been taking hormones but due to medical issues I've not even been able to transition.

I have no real desire to live anymore and every day is just nonstop suffering.

I have the ability to transition now, but I don't know if i should keep fighting to do it, or just give up now because theres still so much suffering and emptiness ahead of me, and I don't even know if it's possible to save my mind anymore, or if it's left me.

If I get anyone telling me "that trans stuff is nonsense" I'm just blocking them immediately, I've heard it for my entire god damn life.

Watch Angela Vanity on youtube she will be inspiring. I would say transition and find new people in your life you feel comfortuble with . You can still change what you want in life!

 

[Jiva]

You have very hard life. But about the question "do you want ctb or no"? You must find this answer inside you.

 

[Kyrok]

Move to a trans community. You can find love and acceptance there.
Gender isn't binary. Among other factors, some trans and gay men show brain structures consistent with female brains. Remember: gender is not binary. There are even chromosomal varations beyond xx and xy,

 

[bigj75]

for me 18 was a bit too young to ctb despite wanting to. I had quite a bit to still experience. Maybe you do aswell.

 

[Fallen bad23]

I would only advice you to see as many doctors as you can to be sure that you actually are a trans and not in a conflict with the female part within you. Just check dani paradox thread to know what I mean. When it comes to CTBing just wait and try to sort things out. You haven't really seen much in life to decide to bail on it now.

 

[hunter_lewis]

I'm going to give a background to who I am and why I want to die

I'm 18 years old.
I have severe complex post traumatic stress disorder from very extensive abuse from a young age up until this year.
I'm transgender male to female, I was abused in part due to this, and alot of my trauma is related to not being able to see myself as a woman because of abuse, and intrusive thoughts due to being forced to act like a male for years.

My parents and sister abused me, my dad physically abused me, mentally abused me, threatened to kill me, and denied me healthcare when I needed it.
My sister tried to stab me several times and physically attacked me, and in general made my life hell.
My mom was complacent in all of this and shamed me anytime I tried to stand up for myself.

Every single day consists of rooting my way through dysphoria from not being physically a woman, rooting my way through intrusive thoughts, and rooting my way through existential dread.

There has been only one single time in my life I've felt genuine joy and peace, and it's when I realized around age 11 that I'm transgender, for a while I felt genuine hope and happiness because I could imagine myself as a girl and as a genuine human being, not a disassociated husk.

Then my parents found out, and screamed at me, and screamed and screamed.

I was put in a religious school for 2 years and ever since then I've felt nothing but very severe disassociation, nothing but utter misery, I've been taking hormones but due to medical issues I've not even been able to transition.

I have no real desire to live anymore and every day is just nonstop suffering.

I have the ability to transition now, but I don't know if i should keep fighting to do it, or just give up now because theres still so much suffering and emptiness ahead of me, and I don't even know if it's possible to save my mind anymore, or if it's left me.

If I get anyone telling me "that trans stuff is nonsense" I'm just blocking them immediately, I've heard it for my entire god damn life.

don't you think that moving to another city could help you a bit? I don't think Ohio has such a open trans and LGBTQ community. Maybe another state where these communities are more present and more vibrant would be a better fit for you. Are you in school? What do you want to do careerwise? I am sure there are colleges that are open to you being trans. Maybe a changed setting would help you get forward. You can always die! But you can't always live. I live in Europe, we don't have many trans people here but it seems that in America that seems to be more common. Just look at Gigi Gorgeous and Jazz.If you want to be a woman-do it! Don't let anything hld you back.

 

[hunter_lewis]

I personally am a woman and hate it-the periods, the painful conditions that come with it, giving birth, abuse from men and also women, etc. But if you want to be a woman-do it! Being a woman ist not only physical, but mentally as well. In most things I am a lot like a man, not like a woman. All I saying is that being a woman begins in your head-your genitals are not the main thing about it. Good luck with everything and hope you transition well to being a girl.

 

[311]

I've read that the risk of suicide doesnt go down after transitioning and may make it worse for some trans people. All I know is that having goals whatever they may be help with wanting to kill yourself. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Jessicastripout]

don't you think that moving to another city could help you a bit? I don't think Ohio has such a open trans and LGBTQ community. Maybe another state where these communities are more present and more vibrant would be a better fit for you. Are you in school? What do you want to do careerwise? I am sure there are colleges that are open to you being trans. Maybe a changed setting would help you get forward. You can always die! But you can't always live. I live in Europe, we don't have many trans people here but it seems that in America that seems to be more common. Just look at Gigi Gorgeous and Jazz.If you want to be a woman-do it! Don't let anything hld you back.

I don't live in ohio anymore, I live in VA

No, I had a very poor 7-9th grade education and dropped out in 10th

 

[311]

I don't live in ohio anymore, I live in VA

No, I had a very poor 7-9th grade education and dropped out in 10th

Have you considered getting a GED

 

[Jessicastripout]

I've read that the risk of suicide doesnt go down after transitioning and may make it worse for some trans people. All I know is that having goals whatever they may be help with wanting to kill yourself. I'm sorry you're going through this.

It's a very common misconception heavily based on a study done on SRS in sweden, and not to be rude, but I'm kind of sick of hearing people parrot this because it's actually damaging the reputation of trans healthcare, and helping promote the idea that it's a mental illness to be trans or to have gender dysphoria.
The flaws in the conclusion that it's bad to transition based on this study are as followed.

1. The study was on SRS, not on transitioning in general.
2. The study spanned a long period of time and had a small sample size.
SRS has become safer and more effective as a surgery since the start of and when most of the study was done (1973-2003), there is more after-surgery counselling and it's coordinated with after-surgery care more often now.
3. The study itself basically admits it cant be used for any conclusions that can be generalized
"The methodological shortcomings have many reasons. First, the nature of sex reassignment precludes double blind randomized controlled studies of the result. Second, transsexualism is rare and many follow-ups are hampered by small numbers of subjects.Third, many sex reassigned persons decline to participate in follow-up studies, or relocate after surgery, resulting in high drop-out rates and consequent selection bias.Forth, several follow-up studies are hampered by limited follow-up periods.Taken together, these limitations preclude solid and generalisable conclusions. A long-term population-based controlled study is one way to address these methodological shortcomings."
4. Suicide is a very statistically complicated thing, it's possible to make false conclusions on studies with far larger and more reliable sample sizes than this.
One example would be the national transgender discrimination survey, if you read the statistics in it without understanding the reasons behind suicide, you would make the assumption that transitioning with hormones increases suicide attempt rates by 4 percent in transgender women (Because it goes from 41 to 45 from the control to the people who take hormones), but this fails to take into account that the main factors behind trans suicide are things like abuse, workplace and housing discrimination, bullying, and healthcare discrimination.

Point being, I'm really tired of people parroting this line of thinking without understanding where it comes from and I've had to explain this to dozens of people.
Transitioning is the most effective treatment for gender dysphoria, the DSM 5 recommends it, practically every psychiatrist or counselor you meet will recommend it, and practically any endocrinologist office that works in tandem with counselors/psychiatrists will recommend it.

 

[Jessicastripout]

I personally am a woman and hate it-the periods, the painful conditions that come with it, giving birth, abuse from men and also women, etc. But if you want to be a woman-do it! Being a woman ist not only physical, but mentally as well. In most things I am a lot like a man, not like a woman. All I saying is that being a woman begins in your head-your genitals are not the main thing about it. Good luck with everything and hope you transition well to being a girl.

"is that being a woman begins in your head"
well yea, that's kind of why you transition, gender dysphoria occurs because you have a brain and a body that aren't matching.

 

[311]

It's a very common misconception heavily based on a study done on SRS in sweden, and not to be rude, but I'm kind of sick of hearing people parrot this because it's actually damaging the reputation of trans healthcare, and helping promote the idea that it's a mental illness to be trans or to have gender dysphoria.
The flaws in the conclusion that it's bad to transition based on this study are as followed.

1. The study was on SRS, not on transitioning in general.
2. The study spanned a long period of time and had a small sample size.
SRS has become safer and more effective as a surgery since the start of and when most of the study was done (1973-2003), there is more after-surgery counselling and it's coordinated with after-surgery care more often now.
3. The study itself basically admits it cant be used for any conclusions that can be generalized
"The methodological shortcomings have many reasons. First, the nature of sex reassignment precludes double blind randomized controlled studies of the result. Second, transsexualism is rare and many follow-ups are hampered by small numbers of subjects.Third, many sex reassigned persons decline to participate in follow-up studies, or relocate after surgery, resulting in high drop-out rates and consequent selection bias.Forth, several follow-up studies are hampered by limited follow-up periods.Taken together, these limitations preclude solid and generalisable conclusions. A long-term population-based controlled study is one way to address these methodological shortcomings."
4. Suicide is a very statistically complicated thing, it's possible to make false conclusions on studies with far larger and more reliable sample sizes than this.
One example would be the national transgender discrimination survey, if you read the statistics in it without understanding the reasons behind suicide, you would make the assumption that transitioning with hormones increases suicide attempt rates by 4 percent in transgender women (Because it goes from 41 to 45 from the control to the people who take hormones), but this fails to take into account that the main factors behind trans suicide are things like abuse, workplace and housing discrimination, bullying, and healthcare discrimination.

Point being, I'm really tired of people parroting this line of thinking without understanding where it comes from and I've had to explain this to dozens of people.
Transitioning is the most effective treatment for gender dysphoria, the DSM 5 recommends it, practically every psychiatrist or counselor you meet will recommend it, and practically any endocrinologist office that works in tandem with counselors/psychiatrists will recommend it.

Sorry for being rude but I thinks it safe to say a large percentage of people will not be satisfied with the result of their transition or srs.

 

[Jessicastripout]

Sorry for being rude but I thinks it safe to say a large percentage of people will not be satisfied with the result of their transition or srs.

I decided to pour my mind out explaining this and you just blindly make a similar claim.

I'm going to block you because this is genuinely not worth my time.

 

[ZenMONK]

I decided to pour my mind out explaining this and you just blindly make a similar claim.

I'm going to block you because this is genuinely not worth my time.

Is he wrong? Are the majority of people who get srs satisfied? You say that every psychiatrist or mental health worker will suggest ars and transitioning yet where are the studies? No study is perfect but the swedish one does point out suicide is prevalent in the trans community and I dont think that's a controversial statistic. Can you point me to a study where srs and transitioning lower the suicide rate in transgender people?

 

[[NoName]]

I don't think anyone is in the position to tell you what's right for you. Here's some suggestions, do what you think is correct. As a cis person, I can't give you lived experiences to learn from. Only general tips. I hope I'm not too obnoxious.

• You can look to similar stories to yours and make an assessment of what you want to do. Find online and IRL communities of trans women. Reach out to them and get their feedback. They also have either knowledge or access to resources that can help you. Or just someone who can listen and understand what you're going through.
• Don't feel guilted into having to feel a certain way.
• Keep track of your emotions with an app or journal or whatever. I know that may sound dumb, but seeing your ups and downs can help you predict how you can manage them. When I did mine, it helped me see how my moods changed. When you make your decision, you can use that to help it be an informed one. Maybe most of the time you feel like absolute shit and can't take it, but see the occasional bump of "well, I felt kind of ok today". Would seeing those little bumps alter your decision, or say it's not enough? Or, you may end up finding some really cool people, and when you look back at your mood journal you can assess, "Does having these people in my life make all the other shit worth living through?" You'll have a record of how you felt in the moment.

I hope you can find all the answers you're looking for.

 

[Shewaitsforme]

Sorry for being rude but I thinks it safe to say a large percentage of people will not be satisfied with the result of their transition or srs.

Speaking as a person who is heavily interated with the LGBT community your claim that a large percentage will not be happy afterwards where are you getting that information from. Of course there are instances that once transitioned some realise it was the wrong choice fir them, so even de-transition. Some are happy with the transition but still feel unaccepted. I know a fare few people who have transitioned and before my currebt job worked on the doors of a trans bar, some were fully transitioned, some partly, some not yet, even cross dressing males were among the large number of customers.

 

[BellaKAT]

I think youre motivation for ctb come from a lot of angles, the abuse you've endured at home sounds terrible. families are supposed tp protect and support you. Being born transgender sounds like another big part of it and time and time again we've seen that gender dysphoria can lead to extreme depression, anxiety, struggles with mental health - espeically when families are unsupportive. I'm so sorry for you're going through right now and everything you've been through.
Now is it rational for you to commit suicide? I think it really depends on an individuals world veiw. From a nihilistic prespective life is meaningless -so yes, from an biological prespective the only purpose of life is to live it - so no.
I'm not transgender and wouldn't equate my situation to that, I do have health struggles that effect my appearence, my emotional well being and my ability to function. I was thinking about this yesterday, I think everyone who's been through and is going through major struggles in life has the oppurtunity to turn it around, to inspire others, to share their story and try to make society a better more accepting place because of it. but not everyone has the strength to do that. I'm pretty sure i don't. but I've seen people who do and I think if you have any motivation to keep on living that could be enough. it's up to you at the end of the day. I know you're going through a lot of pain so no matter what you decide it's okay <3

 

[couldntthinkofaname]

Speaking as a person who is heavily interated with the LGBT community your claim that a large percentage will not be happy afterwards where are you getting that information from. Of course there are instances that once transitioned some realise it was the wrong choice fir them, so even de-transition. Some are happy with the transition but still feel unaccepted. I know a fare few people who have transitioned and before my currebt job worked on the doors of a trans bar, some were fully transitioned, some partly, some not yet, even cross dressing males were among the large number of customers.

there was a guy on here who killed himself after his penis and testicles got removed and he realised it was the wrong decision

this case is probably an exception but it shows once your penis is gone "detransitioning" is not so easy anymore

 

[BellaKAT]

also if you are able to transition I think that could be a good source of hope for the future, you are still so young, and plenty of time to go through that process, and become more of the strong woman you've been all this time - and have had to be in order to make it this far. the things that break us do make us stronger, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, we have to live with those cracks forever.

 

[Johnnythefox]

You might want to consider joining this site, it's free and they have a large community. You can post on the forum anonymously and receive well informed advice from very experienced and supportive members.
https://tvchix.com/