maru.
Experienced
- Apr 6, 2020
- 226
Just to give some context:
Right now i'm in med school, you know, to be a doctor and stuff, and i feel completely dislocated from all of it.
I see classmates and friends talking about all of the subjects and stuff, that they studied and did research on, answering the teachers' questions and having medical discussions, sounding like actual doctors, like adults, while i haven't learned a thing 3 years in, and spend all of my days doing pointless garbage and procrastinating.
I don't know if anyone ever experienced this, but like, i can't fantasize about the future, i can't see myself as a 30 or 40 year old, working in this field, or any field for that matter. I can't stand the fact that i grew older, and that this is all life is.
If it wasn't for the first 2 years being simple in the university i go to, i wouldn't have made to the 3rd year at all.
I used to be an ace student in high school you know, but since i entered college, which coincided with my mental health deteriorating and me having depression, i went from being one of the best in every class, to being the absolute worst, that everyone sees as a joke.
I have a friend that goes to a different med school, and he always tells me about how easy our lives are: "Just sit down and study, it's simple.", he mentions friends of ours that were born in worse financial conditions, that have had to work from a young age: "Their lives are actually hard, not ours".
Looking at it from this perspective, fuck, what am i complaining about, right?
Still, for years i've spent all of my days doing nothing, except things that i know are easy and will give me pleasure (food, vydia, porn, internet, etc...), perhaps i've fried my dopamine receptors beyond repair, idk. What i do know is, that even tho i do nothing at all, i feel tired all of the time, and as a result i'm sure it won't be long before i have to drop out and, i honestly can't see myself living after that, my family is gonna despise me for wasting their money on education for years. And i'll have to live a mediocre life despite having every opportunity possible handed to me, despite showing so much promise at first, while everyone that used to do so much worse than me will graduate and be sucessful.
Idk, it's like, if i just put in the effot, perhaps i would be able to live normally, graduate, maybe even be happy at some point, whatever that means...
But i have no disposition to do anything, at all, read those endless pages, memorize those endless concepts, watch those endless hours of class, do those endless hours of work... Is it possible to be so lazy that you're willing to waste your entire life because of it?
Well, whatever, at least SN is a thing, i've got it all planned out, when the consequences of me being a piece of shit start catching up to me, i'll run away from responsibility like i always do. I just hope it's as painless as it sounds.
Right now i'm in med school, you know, to be a doctor and stuff, and i feel completely dislocated from all of it.
I see classmates and friends talking about all of the subjects and stuff, that they studied and did research on, answering the teachers' questions and having medical discussions, sounding like actual doctors, like adults, while i haven't learned a thing 3 years in, and spend all of my days doing pointless garbage and procrastinating.
I don't know if anyone ever experienced this, but like, i can't fantasize about the future, i can't see myself as a 30 or 40 year old, working in this field, or any field for that matter. I can't stand the fact that i grew older, and that this is all life is.
If it wasn't for the first 2 years being simple in the university i go to, i wouldn't have made to the 3rd year at all.
I used to be an ace student in high school you know, but since i entered college, which coincided with my mental health deteriorating and me having depression, i went from being one of the best in every class, to being the absolute worst, that everyone sees as a joke.
I have a friend that goes to a different med school, and he always tells me about how easy our lives are: "Just sit down and study, it's simple.", he mentions friends of ours that were born in worse financial conditions, that have had to work from a young age: "Their lives are actually hard, not ours".
Looking at it from this perspective, fuck, what am i complaining about, right?
Still, for years i've spent all of my days doing nothing, except things that i know are easy and will give me pleasure (food, vydia, porn, internet, etc...), perhaps i've fried my dopamine receptors beyond repair, idk. What i do know is, that even tho i do nothing at all, i feel tired all of the time, and as a result i'm sure it won't be long before i have to drop out and, i honestly can't see myself living after that, my family is gonna despise me for wasting their money on education for years. And i'll have to live a mediocre life despite having every opportunity possible handed to me, despite showing so much promise at first, while everyone that used to do so much worse than me will graduate and be sucessful.
Idk, it's like, if i just put in the effot, perhaps i would be able to live normally, graduate, maybe even be happy at some point, whatever that means...
But i have no disposition to do anything, at all, read those endless pages, memorize those endless concepts, watch those endless hours of class, do those endless hours of work... Is it possible to be so lazy that you're willing to waste your entire life because of it?
Well, whatever, at least SN is a thing, i've got it all planned out, when the consequences of me being a piece of shit start catching up to me, i'll run away from responsibility like i always do. I just hope it's as painless as it sounds.