I am 20 years old, and I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts since I was 12 years old. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old, and they both got remarried a short time later. I get along well with my stepdad, however, I don't get along well with my stepmum. Due to this, I haven't had the best relationship with my biological dad over the past few years, and we have even gone for long periods without talking to one another. In addition, my stepmum and biological dad constantly bring this up, which makes me feel even worse about myself. A few weeks ago, I visited my extended family (on my biological dad's side), and I felt very out of place. They even put me on the spot by asking things such as, "Why don't you talk to your dad more?". To be honest, I am very tired of all of this... I am very tired of having to choose who to spend time with on my birthday and Christmas, and constantly having to worry about upsetting somebody. I have seriously considered ending my life on several occasions, however, I have decided to give things one last try. I recently got accepted into a university (psychology!), and I have been applying for jobs. The thing is, I don't think I can get better while my stepmum and biological dad are around. I am longing for stability, and I want to move on with my life - away from all of this bullshit. So, as per the thread title, is it okay to cut your parents out of your life?
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"Why don't you talk to your dad more?". - I tend to avoid people who make me uncomfortable such as grilling me to explain myself.
Your step mother may not realize that she is contributing to the problem. She may not be open to considering that she is making things worse. You might keep your distance for your own survival but write your father letters to keep that channel open.
Your step mother may not realize that she is contributing to the problem. She may not be open to considering that she is making things worse. You might keep your distance for your own survival but write your father letters to keep that channel open.
thisismyusername
Member
- Mar 1, 2020
- 33
I would be honest with your father despite the backlash you may receive from him in his defense of his wife, which is entirely natural for someone who is married. I would be sure to let him know your positive feelings about him and your love for him. I had to cut out my own mom for some deplorable actions, but her lying was the true reason. Ive remained honest with how I feel about it and completely distanced myself away from her. It hurts sometimes because I wish it wasnt this way, but I rub some dirt in it and go on. Ive actually dramatically improved my independence and confidence once I established a harsh boundary for my personal safety and mental sanctitude. Don't feel guilty, but also don't push away the people that mean something to you. It may be hard to find that balance, but Im confident in you. You care alot and that means something.
In short yes. I believe people are not entitled to your time and attention just because they're related to you. If you're comfortable doing so I agree that it may help or maybe provide some closure to talk about this with the other members of your family, but that's not a safe option for everyone. If it's a temporary thing you could present it that way which might help. For instance saying "I don't currently have the emotional or mental capacity to deal with this and need to prioritize the things that will give me longer term stability in life. I plan to revisit this when I'm able to handle it". I don't know what you should do or anything like that, but there are definitely situations where cutting off parents is appropriate.
EmpathyMinded
Student
- May 1, 2023
- 144
You're entitled to cut anyone you want out of your life if it is what you need for your mental health. Nobody is going to look out for you more than yourself, so do what is necessaryz
The caveat here is considering carefully "what is necessary." It sounds like you want a positive relationship with your dad, it's just the stepmom is an issue. Before cutting both of them off, I'm curious about what potential there is for making some sort of peace there. What exactly are the issues where you don't get along with her? What does she say or do? I feel like the potentially best option is a frank conversation with both of them, but to give better advice I need a better idea of the situation with her.
Yeah, that is true. Basically, every time I refuse to do something with them, she makes me feel very guilty. She says things such as, "You are allowed to spend time with this side of the family, you know?". My brother, who only lives with my dad, refuses to talk to my mum, yet my stepmum says, "It's sad your mum doesn't put any effort into having a relationship with your brother". This is false, because she constantly messages him, and sends him gifts for his birthday, yet he doesn't reply to her or acknowledge her at all. It's almost as if she is trying to manipulate me into spending more time with them. She literally also forces me to hug her, and if I don't, she gets mad at me. Last week, she also got mad at me for wanting to spend time with my biological mum, instead of her, this Mother's Day. Lol. Yeah, I do want to have a conversation with them, but I'm just not sure if it's even worth it. I feel very fragile at the moment, and if it doesn't go well, I'm scared it will be the last straw.
EmpathyMinded
Student
- May 1, 2023
- 144
Okay, that's great info. Thank you for opening up about it. 
I'd say try the hard convo before you cut them out: if it doesn't go well, you are still free to cut them off. More specifically, it sounds like the major point of contention, to sum it up, is she is forcing an uncomfortable her vs your mom dynamic that doesn't need to exist, and if she laid off you two could have a better relationship, but if she can't it's a dealbreaker for even being in your life. That fairly accurate?
If so, that convo more or less from your end needs to go something like this: "I'm at a breaking point when it comes to the you vs my mom thing. I love her, so when you get competitive for no reason and start talking badly about her to my brother, getting mad when I want to spend time with her and so on, the only thing you are doing is pushing me away. She didn't do anything to you. And I'm done. Either this needs to stop, or you're out of my life. I'd rather we got along, and all you have to do is be respectful. Is that really asking that much?
Dad, I love you but you know this isn't okay. If you're going to expect me to tolerate this, then I'll do what I have to. So don't make me, please. I'm not asking something difficult at all here."
If your stepmom argues the point, make it clear this isn't a debate: you are giving them an ultimatum. Be respectful, or you're gone. And if they want to debate it, then leave. Like physically leave the conversation. And follow through. After a while that feels right to you, you can tell your dad you're open to me ding things if she apologizes or swears to drop the issue, however you want to put it.
If the idea of a conversation like that in person is too stressful, for an alternative consider writing your dad a letter bringing up all this so you can compose your thoughts without that social pressure. Finish it saying you're open to talking about it but you aren't compromising on what you want because this is important to you. Leave it for him to read in some way, I'm sure you could figure out the best way to do that.
I've been in your situation but the reverse, biological dad was the one being an asshole with stepmom being around. We had a big argument close to when I moved out. After I did. I barely spoke to him. Time passed. A good deal of time honestly. And one day, he apologized. Said he should have been better, not made so much out of such petty things. We have a great relationship now. I want this for you.
If they can be reasonable and talk it out then perfect. If not though, do what you are considering. It isn't even necessarily the end of the road, but it will sure as hell send a message. It seems like they are still wanting to regard you as a kid, not take your expectations seriously even though you are an adult and well within your right. Give them no choice but to take you seriously, and whatever happens you'll be better off. I'm pulling for you, I know you can do this. If you don't mind, whatever you decide to do I'd love an update. And here to talk anytime if you need that, we all need someone to talk to when we are struggling.
I'd say try the hard convo before you cut them out: if it doesn't go well, you are still free to cut them off. More specifically, it sounds like the major point of contention, to sum it up, is she is forcing an uncomfortable her vs your mom dynamic that doesn't need to exist, and if she laid off you two could have a better relationship, but if she can't it's a dealbreaker for even being in your life. That fairly accurate?
If so, that convo more or less from your end needs to go something like this: "I'm at a breaking point when it comes to the you vs my mom thing. I love her, so when you get competitive for no reason and start talking badly about her to my brother, getting mad when I want to spend time with her and so on, the only thing you are doing is pushing me away. She didn't do anything to you. And I'm done. Either this needs to stop, or you're out of my life. I'd rather we got along, and all you have to do is be respectful. Is that really asking that much?
Dad, I love you but you know this isn't okay. If you're going to expect me to tolerate this, then I'll do what I have to. So don't make me, please. I'm not asking something difficult at all here."
If your stepmom argues the point, make it clear this isn't a debate: you are giving them an ultimatum. Be respectful, or you're gone. And if they want to debate it, then leave. Like physically leave the conversation. And follow through. After a while that feels right to you, you can tell your dad you're open to me ding things if she apologizes or swears to drop the issue, however you want to put it.
If the idea of a conversation like that in person is too stressful, for an alternative consider writing your dad a letter bringing up all this so you can compose your thoughts without that social pressure. Finish it saying you're open to talking about it but you aren't compromising on what you want because this is important to you. Leave it for him to read in some way, I'm sure you could figure out the best way to do that.
I've been in your situation but the reverse, biological dad was the one being an asshole with stepmom being around. We had a big argument close to when I moved out. After I did. I barely spoke to him. Time passed. A good deal of time honestly. And one day, he apologized. Said he should have been better, not made so much out of such petty things. We have a great relationship now. I want this for you.
If they can be reasonable and talk it out then perfect. If not though, do what you are considering. It isn't even necessarily the end of the road, but it will sure as hell send a message. It seems like they are still wanting to regard you as a kid, not take your expectations seriously even though you are an adult and well within your right. Give them no choice but to take you seriously, and whatever happens you'll be better off. I'm pulling for you, I know you can do this. If you don't mind, whatever you decide to do I'd love an update. And here to talk anytime if you need that, we all need someone to talk to when we are struggling.
My non-relationship with my "parents" is all over SS and with that aspect said a question of that nature is one of the rare aspects in life where actually no one but oneself can answer. BUT folks can help you on the journey to the best answer. After reading your post several times the 1st thing that really slapped me in the face was how your extended family treated you. Just those type of questions that they presented to you was a HUGE warning and waking up call. If your extended family shows no concern for your emotional health, then I 100% feel that it also extends back to your dad and stepmom.
Did your dad step in and not as much defend you as make it completely clear that they should back off and shut up?
I was kicked out by my "parents" at the age of 18 and never heard from them again ever, 100% their choice. You are damn right it was tough at first, but in the long haul and looking back, I am 67, all those years it was in disguise a blessing. I say this because of one aspect which is neither of my "parents" EVER changed till they were gone from this Earth. It would have been hell on Earth, if they did not kick me out when they did.
From the feelings I got from reading your post, there in again, several times, I came away with a very strong sense that you are very loving, caring, empathic soul.
YOU deserve so much better than your current situation period. BUT in my viewpoint, I have had 2 attempts, the ctb aspect is not what I would consider. Having been accepted at a University, I went to college at the age of 24, can be so life changing and helpful.
Sending you lots of long-distance hugs, love and always around if you want to talk.
Walter
Did your dad step in and not as much defend you as make it completely clear that they should back off and shut up?
I was kicked out by my "parents" at the age of 18 and never heard from them again ever, 100% their choice. You are damn right it was tough at first, but in the long haul and looking back, I am 67, all those years it was in disguise a blessing. I say this because of one aspect which is neither of my "parents" EVER changed till they were gone from this Earth. It would have been hell on Earth, if they did not kick me out when they did.
From the feelings I got from reading your post, there in again, several times, I came away with a very strong sense that you are very loving, caring, empathic soul.
YOU deserve so much better than your current situation period. BUT in my viewpoint, I have had 2 attempts, the ctb aspect is not what I would consider. Having been accepted at a University, I went to college at the age of 24, can be so life changing and helpful.
Sending you lots of long-distance hugs, love and always around if you want to talk.
Walter
Yeah, that's accurate. To be honest, I think I will write a letter. I'm terrible at confronting people in person, lol. I'm sorry about what happened with your dad, but I'm glad he apologised and you have a great relationship now. Also, 100%. I think they forget that I am literally 20 years old, as well as a sound adult who can make their own decisions - not 14 year old me who was easily manipulated. Thank you for all of your support. I'm here for you too - my inbox is always open. I will be sure to update you!Okay, that's great info. Thank you for opening up about it.
I'd say try the hard convo before you cut them out: if it doesn't go well, you are still free to cut them off. More specifically, it sounds like the major point of contention, to sum it up, is she is forcing an uncomfortable her vs your mom dynamic that doesn't need to exist, and if she laid off you two could have a better relationship, but if she can't it's a dealbreaker for even being in your life. That fairly accurate?
If so, that convo more or less from your end needs to go something like this: "I'm at a breaking point when it comes to the you vs my mom thing. I love her, so when you get competitive for no reason and start talking badly about her to my brother, getting mad when I want to spend time with her and so on, the only thing you are doing is pushing me away. She didn't do anything to you. And I'm done. Either this needs to stop, or you're out of my life. I'd rather we got along, and all you have to do is be respectful. Is that really asking that much?
Dad, I love you but you know this isn't okay. If you're going to expect me to tolerate this, then I'll do what I have to. So don't make me, please. I'm not asking something difficult at all here."
If your stepmom argues the point, make it clear this isn't a debate: you are giving them an ultimatum. Be respectful, or you're gone. And if they want to debate it, then leave. Like physically leave the conversation. And follow through. After a while that feels right to you, you can tell your dad you're open to me ding things if she apologizes or swears to drop the issue, however you want to put it.
If the idea of a conversation like that in person is too stressful, for an alternative consider writing your dad a letter bringing up all this so you can compose your thoughts without that social pressure. Finish it saying you're open to talking about it but you aren't compromising on what you want because this is important to you. Leave it for him to read in some way, I'm sure you could figure out the best way to do that.
I've been in your situation but the reverse, biological dad was the one being an asshole with stepmom being around. We had a big argument close to when I moved out. After I did. I barely spoke to him. Time passed. A good deal of time honestly. And one day, he apologized. Said he should have been better, not made so much out of such petty things. We have a great relationship now. I want this for you.
If they can be reasonable and talk it out then perfect. If not though, do what you are considering. It isn't even necessarily the end of the road, but it will sure as hell send a message. It seems like they are still wanting to regard you as a kid, not take your expectations seriously even though you are an adult and well within your right. Give them no choice but to take you seriously, and whatever happens you'll be better off. I'm pulling for you, I know you can do this. If you don't mind, whatever you decide to do I'd love an update. And here to talk anytime if you need that, we all need someone to talk to when we are struggling.
Unfortunately, my dad did not step in. He was looking straight at me while they were putting me on the spot. I'm sorry about what happened with your parents. By the sounds of it, getting away from them was for the best; although, that doesn't make it any easier. Thank you for all of your kind words and support - it is really appreciated. Sending hugs and love back!
Thank you to everybody else who responded to my thread! xo
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Why shouldn't you be allowed to stop having contact with your father and stepmother, if you feel uncomfortable around them? You wouldn't keep hanging around friends or a partner that makes you feel uncomfortable, or would you? So it should be the same with family members. If they do more harm than good, keep away from them, if you can.
Kasumi
tired
- Mar 3, 2023
- 496
"family" is just the term for people who share similar genes with you.
Your Parents are just the people who gave birth to you, that doesn't make them good or bad people, anyone can be a parent, saints and criminals alike.
So do what you want to do, what you think is the right choice and don't get hung up about things such as "but it's family".
Your Parents are just the people who gave birth to you, that doesn't make them good or bad people, anyone can be a parent, saints and criminals alike.
So do what you want to do, what you think is the right choice and don't get hung up about things such as "but it's family".
goh.nix
Hopeful
- Apr 15, 2023
- 11
You have to do what's best for you. If that means cutting toxic people out of your life, you'd be justified in doing so. However, as someone from a similar situation as you, I'd encourage you to evaluate how negatively they influence your life, and if they deserve this. It may be worth trying to talk and resolve things, or come to some understanding. At the end of the day, you only have one life, and your judgement for it is better than anyone else's. Think it through, and trust yourself. You never need to feel sorry for trying to make your life better. I'm sorry you've been put into this situation, I know it's a really rough dilemma.
Yes. At 18 I destroyed my own life to stay a part of my family. It's been more than twenty years and I regret it every day. Everyone's life and situation is different, but from someone who has died a little every day because I thought I couldn't be a good person if I didn't try to help my family first, and now it's too late to do anything different: don't be cruel, you don't need to punish them, but don't shackle yourself to misery so young. Whatever you decide you need for you, do that. I'm wishing you the best.
Valky
Petulant Child
- Apr 4, 2023
- 1,322
