my life is supposed to be good at thats part of the problem. my mum and dad had me and my twin unplanned, and only got married because of her being pregnant. my family has a history of depression. my mum tried to OD as a teen. i suppose it runs in the family.
my family is full of mental health disorders and neurodevelopmental disorders, and yet my parents and grandparents are very intolerant of mine and my sister's. the ones my parents know about are my autism, depression and anxiety. they know about my gender dysphoria but refuse to believe it. what they dont know about is my ADD, my OSDD and my psychotic depression (idk if its called that but lets roll w it). My sister has OCD. my parents act as if we are terrible people for ever showing signs of these.
most of this is from my childhood. my emotions and my mental health problems. its small things. like getting locked in a spare bedroom if i wasnt asleep at a certain time, in a bed that made me have the biggest sensory overload and panic attack id ever had at that age (happened until i was 9 ish?)
my parents would put me down to make my sister feel better. my dad called me names and screamed in my face and threw things at me. he's called me a c*nt for as long as i can remember. he used to get a bit physical. his anger is terrifying. he's better nowadays, a bit, but its left me scarred. most of the instances i have repressed, so they are hard to remember.
my mother is manipulative and so is my nan. they abuse me emotionally and then turn it against me and make me out to be the terrible person. ive been told i ruin our family. ive been told so many horrible things. which she then denies and turns on me to make it seem like im lying and trying to hurt her. she uses money as an excuse to be cruel. because as long as she's paying for my psychologist, she cant at all be a horrible person about my mental health can she?? well thats what she says. shes a lying manipulative b*tch.
my grandparents sexualise me. i am trans, but they are fixated with my chest and my genitals. my nan doesnt know im trans, but the other day she put her hand up my shirt and under my binder to feel why my chest didnt look as big. it made me feel sick and ive had extreme dysphoria ever since, even more than usual. she and my grandad say they want to see my chest more. they force me to be naked around them when i stay over. as in, watch me in the shower and make me sleep with no clothes on.
i also think i have been touched sexually by someone in my family when i was younger, based on the ptsd-type flashbacks and sensations i get. i dont have enough evidence to support this though, only my own flashbacks and the fact he went to court for allegations that he touched a very young girl's genitals, and despite not being found guilty for that, was found guilty of possession of child p*rn
my gender dysphoria is crippling. i get intense thoughts every day of carving my chest off. i rarely shower my body and when i do, i have to wear underwear. i hate looking at myself in the mirror.
my last bf was 28 years older than me. we had a very very complicated (and secret) relationship. at times i felt manipulated because of my vulnerability.
every day waking up is suffering. i feel so much pain and anxiety. i dont know how much longer i can bear being miserable. the thoughts i get and the hallucinations and the things i want to do to myself and to others, and the urges and the emotions and the hopelessness. is it really all worth it? im only really alive because other people want me to be. if i could press a button to die with 100% certainty that i wouldnt ever wake up from it again, that it was really all over, i would. in a heartbeat.
this really only covers the very basics of everything. feel free to ask questions. and i know people have got it worse than me, i know im stupid to be this depressed. but i am. callie lewis was my childhood friend's sibling. i knew them. i knew how good their life seemed from the outside. it makes me feel a bit less like im overreacting or stupid for wanting to die so much when everyone constantly tells me how lucky i am and how ungrateful im being.
(using gender neutral pronouns for Callie coz they mentioned not feeling like they are a female, so i think it is only respectful.)
