Discussion Is it ever too late to kill yourself?

[unoriginal]

After chickening out today almost at the last minute (I even started on the anti-emetic regimen) a horrowing thought occured to me: What if it's too late for me to commit suicide?

We all know that the statistics say that most people who commit suicide are either in their late teens-early twenties or around the retirement age (50-60s). There has to be a reason for that, right? To my mind, early twenties is one of the harshest period in anyone's life - you have to face up to the realities of life on your own for the first time, learning how to keep yourself fed, clothed, entertained, realizing that your preconception about adult life were completely off base and coming to term with the fact that some (or most) of your dreams will never come true. It's no small business. It makes sense that some people just aren't up to this extremely daunting task in one way or another.

But if you manage to power through this period and learn to lower your standards, abandon dreams, temper your expectations, in other words, if you become adjusted (deformed or Stockholm syndrome'd by life, depending on how you look at it) to stinky realities of life, then the odds are that you're not going to kill yourself in the nearest future.

So, what scares me is the possibility that I (being 23) missed that point in my life where the pain from realizing how the world actually is was at its most intense, where I was ready to throw it all away just to avoid having to compromise, moderate my ambitions and expectations, where suicide seemed like a truly desirable solution I made voluntarily, not just something I was cornered into.

I'm scared that I don't strive for a meaningful high-paying occupation anymore - I'd settle for something that just keeps me alive and pays for wi-fi, I'm scared that I don't dream of finding a platonic-soulmate type of friend anymore - I'd settle for someone to discuss shitty tv-shows and gossip with, I'm scared that I don't long for a special one-in-a-million romantic realtionship - I'm ready to shack up with pretty much anyone just to stave off loneliness, I'm scared that I seriously contemplate postponing ctb just to try a couple new pastries and gobble up a few more chocolate bars.

I'm scared that I've been normalized, turned into a petty philistine and robbed of the ideals and convicntions that were the core of my being for most of my life. I'm scared that I've lost myself and there's no way out.

I wish I'd done it the first time the thought of suicide occured to me.

 

[Maravillosa]

There are times (especially when I fear that I will never successfully publish at least one novel) when I think that I should have ctb when I was 19. I will be 52 on September 23. I like to think that I will hang myself in a room in a nice hotel on a landmark birthday (55, 60, 65) after my bedridden elderly mother (for whom I am a caregiver) passes away. I would not want to abandon Mom and I have been writing a novel that I think has some promise.

I think that the only time it is too late to kill oneself is when one is physically incapable of doing so.

 

[Desperate_Soul]

Wow, awesome post! I enjoyed reading this because I could relate to it soooo much. I had guts back then for my previous attempts, but now I can't seem to find that same courage I had when I attempted to try to attempt again. I'm not sure if I can answer the 'late' part, maybe after you're dead? Life is like a rollercoaster. You'll have depressing moments here and there, but then it'll get 'better' again. Those bad moments will be your push. But then once you wait it out, it gets better again. Then it gets bad again. Then it gets good again. And repeat.

 

[unoriginal]

Life is like a rollercoaster.Those bad moments will be your push. But then once you wait it out, it gets better again.

What's dispiriting about this rollercoaster is that knowing about it doesn't change a damn thing - you can't do anything to induce or plan for an impulse or a sudden burst of courage or unexpected state of tranquility, except wait and persevere. But even when that happens it's still not enough because a lot of methods require tedious beforehand preparations.

It's kind of weird, but I've found that I'm actually more motivated to ctb when I'm less "depressed". It's like being "okay" makes everything okay, even suicide, and things that bring me down and seem insurmountable at my lowest moments (like the fear of failure or feeling guity about hurting my parents) don't seem too bad when my mood is moderately high. So for me, that notorious "push" can be something positive as well as negative.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

Yeah i had forgotten all of those young ideals, how i would never compromise and always do the right thing. About 4 months out of the house i was willing to hop in bed with anything just to break up the extreme monotony that had become my life. Thing is without significant others and without soul mate type friends life is just a cold shadow, nothing matters even when you go do something extrordinary it means nothing. It really is like being the walking dead.

 

[Desperate_Soul]

What's dispiriting about this rollercoaster is that knowing about it doesn't change a damn thing. It's kind of weird, but I've found that I'm actually more motivated to ctb when I'm less "depressed". So for me, that notorious "push" can be something positive as well as negative.

I totally get it. For me, when I'm at my high on the rollercoaster, good moments aren't exactly good, because I know it's not going to last. My rollercoaster has suicidal thoughts all over it, no matter if I'm at the bottom or top.

 

[throwaway123]

Yes.

 

[MEoDP]

Yup,that's why Martin Manley made a plan to off himself by 60 years old,otherwise he risks losing all bodily autonomy to old age and will be powerless to decide his fate. Here's a link to his story:

http://martin-manley.eprci.com/

 

[Desperate_Soul]

Yup,that's why Martin Manley made a plan to off himself by 60 years old,otherwise he risks losing all bodily autonomy to old age and will be powerless to decide his fate. Here's a link to his story:

http://martin-manley.eprci.com/

So did he kill himself because he was depressed, or did he just want to kill himself to leave on his own terms?

I don't know if that makes any difference, but curious.

 

[MEoDP]

So did he kill himself because he was depressed, or did he just want to kill himself to leave on his own terms?

I don't know if that makes any difference, but curious.

He claims the latter,but other sources say there were indeed other real-life factors that influenced his ultimate decision. The only thing I can say for sure is that if he had kept on living,he would have been in financial trouble. If I'm not mistaken,his insurance is supposed to expire on the exact day of his attempt.

 

[bigj75]

If you get too old or disabled then it might be too late.

 

[couldntthinkofaname]

people kill themselfs all the time at all age rates


quarterlife crisis, midlife crisis ... look at all the people who killed themself with 27

 

[NOISYMIND]

I totally get it. For me, when I'm at my high on the rollercoaster, good moments aren't exactly good, because I know it's not going to last. My rollercoaster has suicidal thoughts all over it, no matter if I'm at the bottom or top.

It's a suicide coaster :(

 

[hunter_lewis]

After chickening out today almost at the last minute (I even started on the anti-emetic regimen) a horrowing thought occured to me: What if it's too late for me to commit suicide?

We all know that the statistics say that most people who commit suicide are either in their late teens-early twenties or around the retirement age (50-60s). There has to be a reason for that, right? To my mind, early twenties is one of the harshest period in anyone's life - you have to face up to the realities of life on your own for the first time, learning how to keep yourself fed, clothed, entertained, realizing that your preconception about adult life were completely off base and coming to term with the fact that some (or most) of your dreams will never come true. It's no small business. It makes sense that some people just aren't up to this extremely daunting task in one way or another.

But if you manage to power through this period and learn to lower your standards, abandon dreams, temper your expectations, in other words, if you become adjusted (deformed or Stockholm syndrome'd by life, depending on how you look at it) to stinky realities of life, then the odds are that you're not going to kill yourself in the nearest future.

So, what scares me is the possibility that I (being 23) missed that point in my life where the pain from realizing how the world actually is was at its most intense, where I was ready to throw it all away just to avoid having to compromise, moderate my ambitions and expectations, where suicide seemed like a truly desirable solution I made voluntarily, not just something I was cornered into.

I'm scared that I don't strive for a meaningful high-paying occupation anymore - I'd settle for something that just keeps me alive and pays for wi-fi, I'm scared that I don't dream of finding a platonic-soulmate type of friend anymore - I'd settle for someone to discuss shitty tv-shows and gossip with, I'm scared that I don't long for a special one-in-a-million romantic realtionship - I'm ready to shack up with pretty much anyone just to stave off loneliness, I'm scared that I seriously contemplate postponing ctb just to try a couple new pastries and gobble up a few more chocolate bars.

I'm scared that I've been normalized, turned into a petty philistine and robbed of the ideals and convicntions that were the core of my being for most of my life. I'm scared that I've lost myself and there's no way out.

I wish I'd done it the first time the thought of suicide occured to me.

it's never too late to ctb. Death is the ultimate comfort-but not something to be rushed into. Enjoy as much as possible what you have and if you get fed up of it one day, you can ALWAYS die. Life is precious, no matter what people here say-but it is your choice to end it if you so like. But do it from real conviction. You never know what might happen next in your life. So no, it is never too late to die. More like too early.

 

[Trashcan]

As long as you are alive and are physically capabale, it isn't too late.

But it does seem the longer I hold off, the harder it gets to do it.

The good news is I'll be home alone soon. And I'll do it no matter what.

 

[BjartNO]

You never know what might happen next in your life.

This is what I've been saying to myself for the last 15 years or so, however in retrospect, I wish I hadn't.

 

[samhelloall9]

I'd really prefer this week, scheduling wise. Sigh.

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

My mother died recently to a terminal disease. She was powerless to do anything for herself , Not even eating.
So yes there is a point when one no longer has the option to ctb. I will not allow that to happen to me! I will CTB on my terms under my own power . My mother's dignity was taken form her I will keep mine , and my pride.

 

[bigj75]

My mother died recently to a terminal disease. She was powerless to do anything for herself , Not even eating.
So yes there is a point when one no longer has the option to ctb. I will not allow that to happen to me! I will CTB on my terms under my own power . My mother's dignity was taken form her I will keep mine , and my pride.

I feel the exact same way.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

I'm 35 and kind of think I blew it by not doing it when I was 19.

It's not too late and I still will likely do it one day, but it won't be as good as it would have been back then. The longer I go, the more I got taken. Ripped off.

The urges were so good back then. The rushes. Now everything is already diminished into a boring, yet still living rotting waste. When I was 20, it was me yelling at myself to do it. Now it's just quietly writing it. Pfffft, what a putz.

 

[unoriginal]

[

I'm 35 and kind of think I blew it by not doing it when I was 19.

It's not too late and I still will likely do it one day, but it won't be as good as it would have been back then. The longer I go, the more I got taken. Ripped off.

The urges were so good back then. The rushes. Now everything is already diminished into a boring, yet still living rotting waste. When I was 20, it was me yelling at myself to do it. Now it's just quietly writing it. Pfffft, what a putz.

Very well put. That's exactly how I feel. The more I wait the more of myself I lose. Going out on a passionately-hating-life note now seems it would have been the perfect option, but, unfortunately, the "rushes", as you put it, are just not there anymore. Passion and fervor have shriveled and decayed, being displaced by habituation to suffering and hopless resignation.

 

[QueenEtna]

Always too early, never too late.

 

[samhelloall9]

I find it hard to schedule in my busy life. Really. You see I have to go elsewhere so that's why, can't around here, so it requires more planning and yeah.
Sometimes I wonder, because it's hard if my life gets busier. More people would perhaps risk me being found, you know, wider social circle, wider work network, someone might see me and say "hey how's it going."
Sigh.

 

[Cee]

Wow, every response in this thread is very understandable/ relatable. I feel a certain amount of pressure to just DO IT already, while im young. I would love to do that, because i'm so scared that the longer i put it off the worse and worse it will get. Yet with that, it doesnt really matter? I could just let my life get worse and worse and worse and if i kill myself now or in 10 years itll have the same end result.

I get a bit of a thrill out of taking risks, so since i plan to end my life anyway, it would be almost like one last adventure to see how shit I can become before i go. This is impossible though as i don't have the funds or the energy to do any of it. The life i romanticize myself to have is impossible, but even that life ends in my suicide. It's a lose lose either way, whether i do it now or later really doesnt matter much i guess. Idk if any of this is making sense but i really hope at least one of you understands what im trying to say lmao

 

[windingdown]

I read about an old man (70ish?) with a full life behind him, a family; he tidied up all of his affairs, signed off on some bills in the morning, and later in the day was found by his family hanging in his garden shed. He was done with life, and went out on his own terms.

There are elderly people who stop eating and drinking (VSED) in nursing homes. I know a paralyzed woman, and I think that if I were her (she has to be fed, everything), I would just VSED. So I think there is always a way, even if that is the last one available to you. It is guaranteed.

And fortunately, at 23, you have many more options.

You're so spot on about lowering expectations. I had the grandest plans for life. I did accomplish some exceptional things. But there is additional reality, beyond the highlights: illness, money, the loss of interest and of the will to keep trying. And now? My visions for life are nothing anymore; a low-income apartment somewhere.

I like the idea of going out close to my prime, to the good years, and not just existing in a long state of decline for years beforehand.

 

[windingdown]

Wow, every response in this thread is very understandable/ relatable. I feel a certain amount of pressure to just DO IT already, while im young. I would love to do that, because i'm so scared that the longer i put it off the worse and worse it will get. Yet with that, it doesnt really matter? I could just let my life get worse and worse and worse and if i kill myself now or in 10 years itll have the same end result.

I get a bit of a thrill out of taking risks, so since i plan to end my life anyway, it would be almost like one last adventure to see how shit I can become before i go. This is impossible though as i don't have the funds or the energy to do any of it. The life i romanticize myself to have is impossible, but even that life ends in my suicide. It's a lose lose either way, whether i do it now or later really doesnt matter much i guess. Idk if any of this is making sense but i really hope at least one of you understands what im trying to say lmao

Yes, I see my inevitable end as suicide, as I couldn't bear to live out my older decades, to age. So it will be now, or later; there is no natural end for me.

I think people should keep going for as long as they have a will to, though. Just because it will end some time doesn't mean it has to be now. And it can make a difference to the people in your life if you are around longer.

Still, if you know you can't bear to live out your natural life, it can feel very much like having your hands tied behind your back while you're alive. There is always the pending fear, maybe the sense of injustice that it has to be that way.

 

[Cee]

Yes, I see my inevitable end as suicide, as I couldn't bear to live out my older decades, to age. So it will be now, or later; there is no natural end for me.

I think people should keep going for as long as they have a will to, though. Just because it will end some time doesn't mean it has to be now. And it can make a difference to the people in your life if you are around longer.

Still, if you know you can't bear to live out your natural life, it can feel very much like having your hands tied behind your back while you're alive. There is always the pending fear, maybe the sense of injustice that it has to be that way.

very well said, i definitely agree

 

[Nem]

Too late to end your life? If you are able to ask that question it isn't too late, maybe if you were on your death bed with hoses coming out of you, nurses and Dr's texting and playing games on their phones beside you...then it's too late.
For myself, I should've killed myself violently right after I had a severe reaction to meds and was living with my fiance. I had a few times where I could die and also had a car with no catalytic converter so could just leave it running in the garage and start counting sheep

 

[Sayo]

I find a lot of these posts very poignant. Similar themes play a huge role in my ideation too.

I wanted to add that a lot of people have dependent children in their 30s-40s, and their children start to leave in the 50s.

 

[sadak_the_wanderer]

I would say that the sorts of things that would make you "too late" would be disability or impoverishment reducing your selection of methods to those less palatable to you, some sort of mental disability preventing accurate planning and follow-through, and being encumbered with obligations or responsibilities that you do not wish to abandon.

I do wish I had gotten started earlier.