MollyNeverforgotten
New Member
- Mar 1, 2023
- 1
Molly. I think that was the edge for me. About 2 weeks ago Molly died. We weren't close nor did we ever really speak. I just knew her, we had the same friends but her and I never got to talking. She went to a party where she drank alcohol and took tramadol. She went home where she later passed away in her sleep. I can't stop thinking about what her last thought, word or thing she did was. Which position was she laying in as she passed? Did she struggle or was it painless. I'm not even sure if i want to know or if it's just morbid curiosity. She was younger than me. Barley even into her mid teens while I'm here now concidered an adult. I never thought i would make it this far. 14 was the age i had decided by 12 i wasn't going to make it past. Why am I here? Did time just fly by or did something happen to prevent it. I can't even remember. But I'm alive. I don't want to be.
Although it's sad Molly is gone.. I envy her. I'm almost jealous. Seeing all of social media blow up in farewells and memories shared over stories. If it weren't for a fact i can't wait and watch for a few weeks after i pass, i would've done it already. I have a parter now.. Well, kind of. He said we wouldn't work as he prefers his alone time too much and is too cuddly with everyone else. I've somehow convinced myself I am not ready for a relationship. Just as a poor excuse to prevent my emotions from filling my entire body with the dread i won't date him. Yet, a part of me hangs on. Like a glimmer of hope that wishes that someday, somehow, he will figure out how much he loves me and finally ask me to date him. But i doubt it would change anything. Life is like that. We crave and crave and no matter how much we take we want more. The numbness of our accomplishments fades within weeks, days or even hours. It doesn't matter how many goals u set if u can't find more reason to live you have nothing.
Yet.. whenever i am in his arms, i feel at peace. Like all my emotions wash away and i can breathe. It's not healthy. Not in the way I'm hopelessly romantic. But in the way that everytime I have to go back to my place, or everytime we end a call, no matter 1 minute or 2 hours, the dread comes back. It's almost worse and then slowly fades. Like a punch in the gut as soon as he's out of my sight or hearing. It feels awful. I haven't been in love for almost a year, it feels like I've forgotten how I'm supposed to feel and act. I just want him with me. And the fact i can't makes me feel horrible. The only thing keeping me sane is knowing we will meet next weekend, or call the next day.
I'm laying in my bed right now. It's nearing the 1 am mark. I have work tomorrow, have to get up at 6 am. I won't make it through the day without falling asleep. Caffeine doesn't work on me. Cigarettes and vapes can drown out the tiredness for a bit but i doubt I'll be up all day. I don't want to ruin my sleep schedule as it'll be even harder to sleep tomorrow. But what is it even worth? What is my hopeless romance and my endless sorrow for molly worth? What is life worth? I wake up, do my makeup, brush my hair and teeth, maybe a shower if i have time, go to work, do the same thing everyday, go home, sit at a computer until 11 pm, try and sleep. And when i finally get into a headspace of calm i sleep. Then it's the same thing, over and over and over again. Week by week, month by month, year by year. It's not like i don't have any " spice" to my life. I do. I go out with friends, I spend time with family, I work out and I eat as healthy as i can manage, I have goals and dreams. All things that the rule book of " a healthy mind " have. I'm just missing one rule. Worth. No matter how many goals and dreams i have it never feels worth it. I finally gained the muscles i wanted, good for you. I finally got through that awful map on a game, good for you. I found friends I've been seeking my entire life, good for you. I've finally gotten my romantic feelings back, good for you. But then what? What comes after? I could reach all my goals. I could get rich and famous, but then what? There is no point to life. Musicians and comedians kill themselves all the time. They reach that goal, they finally hit the top 100, maybe even top 10. They reached their final goal. The chemicals wash away. Emptyness comes back. U feel nothing. So what is the meaning to it all. What is my worth? I could kill myself right now If i wanted to. I am a big bottle off cells. My cells die all the time, then they reform into different types of energy just to exist some other place. I could die right now, all my memories, all my goals, all I've ever achieved. Gone, in one fellow sweep of my existence all i classify as important is gone. So why do i stay? At the end of the line ill die with more memories, more archives of useless information and happy times. All my nights crying over lovers and my own emotions will be lost. No purpose, no more reason to exist. I'd be gone, unable to think, unable to suffer, unable to laugh and cry, hug and cuddle.
So tell me.. what is the reason? Why should i live? Cause as for now.. Not a single thing comes to mind.
Although it's sad Molly is gone.. I envy her. I'm almost jealous. Seeing all of social media blow up in farewells and memories shared over stories. If it weren't for a fact i can't wait and watch for a few weeks after i pass, i would've done it already. I have a parter now.. Well, kind of. He said we wouldn't work as he prefers his alone time too much and is too cuddly with everyone else. I've somehow convinced myself I am not ready for a relationship. Just as a poor excuse to prevent my emotions from filling my entire body with the dread i won't date him. Yet, a part of me hangs on. Like a glimmer of hope that wishes that someday, somehow, he will figure out how much he loves me and finally ask me to date him. But i doubt it would change anything. Life is like that. We crave and crave and no matter how much we take we want more. The numbness of our accomplishments fades within weeks, days or even hours. It doesn't matter how many goals u set if u can't find more reason to live you have nothing.
Yet.. whenever i am in his arms, i feel at peace. Like all my emotions wash away and i can breathe. It's not healthy. Not in the way I'm hopelessly romantic. But in the way that everytime I have to go back to my place, or everytime we end a call, no matter 1 minute or 2 hours, the dread comes back. It's almost worse and then slowly fades. Like a punch in the gut as soon as he's out of my sight or hearing. It feels awful. I haven't been in love for almost a year, it feels like I've forgotten how I'm supposed to feel and act. I just want him with me. And the fact i can't makes me feel horrible. The only thing keeping me sane is knowing we will meet next weekend, or call the next day.
I'm laying in my bed right now. It's nearing the 1 am mark. I have work tomorrow, have to get up at 6 am. I won't make it through the day without falling asleep. Caffeine doesn't work on me. Cigarettes and vapes can drown out the tiredness for a bit but i doubt I'll be up all day. I don't want to ruin my sleep schedule as it'll be even harder to sleep tomorrow. But what is it even worth? What is my hopeless romance and my endless sorrow for molly worth? What is life worth? I wake up, do my makeup, brush my hair and teeth, maybe a shower if i have time, go to work, do the same thing everyday, go home, sit at a computer until 11 pm, try and sleep. And when i finally get into a headspace of calm i sleep. Then it's the same thing, over and over and over again. Week by week, month by month, year by year. It's not like i don't have any " spice" to my life. I do. I go out with friends, I spend time with family, I work out and I eat as healthy as i can manage, I have goals and dreams. All things that the rule book of " a healthy mind " have. I'm just missing one rule. Worth. No matter how many goals and dreams i have it never feels worth it. I finally gained the muscles i wanted, good for you. I finally got through that awful map on a game, good for you. I found friends I've been seeking my entire life, good for you. I've finally gotten my romantic feelings back, good for you. But then what? What comes after? I could reach all my goals. I could get rich and famous, but then what? There is no point to life. Musicians and comedians kill themselves all the time. They reach that goal, they finally hit the top 100, maybe even top 10. They reached their final goal. The chemicals wash away. Emptyness comes back. U feel nothing. So what is the meaning to it all. What is my worth? I could kill myself right now If i wanted to. I am a big bottle off cells. My cells die all the time, then they reform into different types of energy just to exist some other place. I could die right now, all my memories, all my goals, all I've ever achieved. Gone, in one fellow sweep of my existence all i classify as important is gone. So why do i stay? At the end of the line ill die with more memories, more archives of useless information and happy times. All my nights crying over lovers and my own emotions will be lost. No purpose, no more reason to exist. I'd be gone, unable to think, unable to suffer, unable to laugh and cry, hug and cuddle.
So tell me.. what is the reason? Why should i live? Cause as for now.. Not a single thing comes to mind.
