Venting Is it better to care and risk getting hurt, or stay alone and feel safe?

[HillWhereIWillRest]

I don't know how to keep people close. There's always a reason they leave. I've been protecting myself from feeling anything for anyone. I'm so tired of everything going wrong.

It's been a while since I've had any thoughts of CTB. I recently reconnected with someone after a year of no contact. He was responsive, we met up yesterday, and I hugged him for about 5 minutes. He's interested in me but doesn't want a relationship because he just got out of one last year and wants to focus on financial stability.
I told him I'd love to be his friend. Then he stopped replying.
After so long feeling lonely, I finally felt some affection that filled me. And he pulled away. I have BPD, and rejection hurts so much!!! Can't stand being like this.

 

[Almost Dead]

I'm really sorry this happened... People coming back just to leave again hurts more than anything.

If it's better to stay alone to keep yourself safe or to take the risk to get close to others with the knowledge it may fall through, it's hard to say. I guess it just depends... As someone with the same disorder, I'd say it might not seem "better" to take the risk to get close to others after experiencing so much disappointment and abandonment, but I do think it can be worth it, sheerly due to the fact that if you don't play, you'll never win. The only certain thing about life (besides death) is its uncertainty; you never know what good things/people will be introduced into your life at any point, but definitely not if you don't try and take the risk, as painful as it can be. And no human can survive sane in total isolation, unfortunately.

With this disorder it's immensely hard to try and not let affection/validation/others' opinions run your perception of the value of your own life, but it is possible to manage I think, with effort and support... You're worth more than any one person's willingness to provide you with love, and you never know what awaits in the future. Just some two cents for you. I'm wishing you best.