Venting Is it bad to want to ctb even if you have many reasons to "live" for?

[Soraa]

I have many of what a lot of people would consider things that are "worth living for".
My young age, lovely parents who raised me perfectly, friends that care, a decent education, healthy body. Yet I am constantly hurting and want to ctb. And sometimes I think that maybe I don't "deserve" to ctb and that I'm being disrespectful to people who actually have better reasons to want to end their lives. These thoughts pile into a lump of guilt and makes me hate myself even more. Like why the fuck can't I just make myself be happy and live?

Does anyone else feel this way? I'm sorry for ranting, I just needed to get this off my chest.

 

[Lutembëe]

I totally feel you. It's hard to make outsiders understand your illness and/or suicidal urges because they think "you have it all". And they may say totally dumb things like this will pass, just get out and it will get better.
That's my case too, nobody understands why I have severe depression with strong suicidal urges. So I don't tell anyone except my psychiatrist. This forum is my only means of expression.

 

[Clut]

Not saying you should ctb but i understand this feeling. I have more than other people have like a roof over my head and friends but it's the inner torment that brings us to this. In my opinion no amount of 'stuff' can lessen that torment so I totally understand what you're saying. I don't know why some of us feel like this, we just do. I feel like I'm not good enough and a constant annoyance to others

 

[Mizzmini45]

I get what your saying but those things never made life ok for me because I always knew that stuff your mentioned worth living for are fleeting.its hard to live for something that will ultimately change anyway. It just doesn't last. Everyone was young and everyone gets old, parents leave and you are an adult, body ages, education becomes less important as time goes on. Your situation in life will change. Not everyone who you consider "worse" off was in that situation. They might have been in your situation at one point. You might be in there's one day. You will see. I think happiness is hard to get and keep continuous through life. You have to keep making reasons as that time to make yourself find life worth living. I've been suicidal and depressed all my life because I became aware of this harsh fact of life. Btw I came from a on the outside very nice life.

 

[Soraa]

I totally feel you. It's hard to make outsiders understand your illness and/or suicidal urges because they think "you have it all". And they may say totally dumb things like this will pass, just get out and it will get better.
That's my case too, nobody understands why I have severe depression with strong suicidal urges. So I don't tell anyone except my psychiatrist. This forum is my only means of expression.

Not saying you should ctb but i understand this feeling. I have more than other people have like a roof over my head and friends but it's the inner torment that brings us to this. In my opinion no amount of 'stuff' can lessen that torment so I totally understand what you're saying. I don't know why some of us feel like this, we just do. I feel like I'm not good enough and a constant annoyance to others

Thank you guys for reading my post and replying. I really find comfort in your empathy <3
You are right. In the end, it is our inner torment that brings us here. In the end, its just who I am.

 

[BlackPoppet]

I have many of what a lot of people would consider things that are "worth living for".
My young age, lovely parents who raised me perfectly, friends that care, a decent education, healthy body. Yet I am constantly hurting and want to ctb. And sometimes I think that maybe I don't "deserve" to ctb and that I'm being disrespectful to people who actually have better reasons to want to end their lives. These thoughts pile into a lump of guilt and makes me hate myself even more. Like why the fuck can't I just make myself be happy and live?

Does anyone else feel this way? I'm sorry for ranting, I just needed to get this off my chest.

yes I feel this way all the time. I have my partner and my animals to live for. ( I don't speak to my family) but I still want to CTB. I feel you on this subject. Here if you want to talk. Hugs

 

[luna666]

Well, that's because depression and anxiety doesn't care about your conditions.
You can feel alone, even surrounded by people.
You can feel sad even in a good situation.
You can have depression even if you're not in a bad situation.
That's because depression is a mental illness.
Chronic anxiety is a mental illness.
They don't choose the poor or the sad one, literally everyone can have. Of course, someone in worse conditions will feel worse, but everyone can have a mental illness like depression that can be debilitating.
Some people can find the source of it and be lucky to get the right treatment, others can't.
All I can say to you is, if nothing is wrong around you, no traumas, no scars, no health problems, and it's only a feeling, than you should definitelly see if there's treatment for you, some actually find it.
But it's not certain too, some people fought this their whole life and never found a cure, or a way back to a normal life.
It's a really complex situation, so, in the end, I hope you find the peace you're searching for.

 

[gnomeboy17]

I know I "have a lot to live for" but i guess if you have something actually wrong with your brain no amount of things to live for can make that better

 

[BlackPoppet]

I know I "have a lot to live for" but i guess if you have something actually wrong with your brain no amount of things to live for can make that better

well if you ever need to talk. PM me :-)

 

[TheLastSacrifice]

Many reasons to live? What ar those reasons? I bet I have them too. Nobody else gets to tell you what reasons you have to live. Just you

 

[PrettyMoose]

There are people like Anthony Bourdain who have better lives than most yet still end up killing themselves. Life is hard no matter who you are. We all have to face getting old and our bodies failing us, watching everyone we care about also go through the process and die until we finally die too. Some of us obviously check out before that time, but just saying that it is a burden that every life potentially faces. It's part of why I'm planning on leaving soon. I'm almost 40 and I know it just gets worse from here on out, and life is already unbearable enough for me as it is.

 

[TAW122]

No it isn't. The decision and reasons to want to live or CTB are highly personal and vary from individual to individual. Just because one has a objectively good life (or good according to the standards of society and other criteria) doesn't mean the person really enjoys 'life'. It's incredibly dismissive and also very naive to assume that just because people are leading (by what most people consider) a 'good' life then, they aren't allowed to want to CTB. Everyone has different reasons and no two persons are the same when it comes to reasons, intensity, and life experiences (even similar ones have some subtle differences).

 

[Soraa]

Well, that's because depression and anxiety doesn't care about your conditions.
You can feel alone, even surrounded by people.
You can feel sad even in a good situation.
You can have depression even if you're not in a bad situation.
That's because depression is a mental illness.
Chronic anxiety is a mental illness.
They don't choose the poor or the sad one, literally everyone can have. Of course, someone in worse conditions will feel worse, but everyone can have a mental illness like depression that can be debilitating.
Some people can find the source of it and be lucky to get the right treatment, others can't.
All I can say to you is, if nothing is wrong around you, no traumas, no scars, no health problems, and it's only a feeling, than you should definitelly see if there's treatment for you, some actually find it.
But it's not certain too, some people fought this their whole life and never found a cure, or a way back to a normal life.
It's a really complex situation, so, in the end, I hope you find the peace you're searching for.

Thank you for your thoughts and taking the time to write all of this. Yes I too think I should keep looking for help but at the same time it's painful to searching and not finding an answer....

 

[s1mplem3]

Everyone wants to live but not like this. You may have reasons to live, you might have hobbies, good job or loved ones, that all important to you, but at the same time you're suffering physically or emotionally and that makes your life horrible.