Chimera Crow
New Member
- May 4, 2020
- 3
There are specific contexts that lead me to asking this question, and while I'll detail those later, I'll provide a TL;DR version right up front so anyone can contribute to the conversation point without having to read through my situation. As the title says, is it just cruel to give gifts prior to committing suicide? Like, if/when they find out about the suicide, it would likely re-contextualize the gift. Wouldn't they see it as a cry for help, would it just make them feel guilty? Is the very act of gift giving just an open invitation for them to feel responsible for the suicide? Is it better to just keep the gratitude to myself and not risk further hurting them with the suicide? How would you react if you received a gift from someone, only to find out later that they killed themselves shortly after?
*Regardless* curious to read what anyone has to say about the general question, my additional context isn't needed to discuss that and I don't expect anyone to read that essay I wrote, it's way too long and I'll still find the feedback on the idea helpful anyway. I wrote this in the spoiler, but I'm probably not going to be strong enough to check back, just convincing myself to hit "Post Thread" is quite a process.
You can stop reading now unless you're bored or interested and just answer the question posed, as now I'm going to focus on detailing the two scenarios that lead me to registering to ask this. The first thing I should mention is that it's my intention to have the news of my suicide spread as little as possible. I will be taking measures to try and contain the information to as little as possible, though I'm aware that has a high chance of failure. Secondly, the gift recipients in question are not close friends or family. I've giving them plenty of gratitude, and made sure to go big as I could for the last Christmas. All the recipients are co-workers. Thirdly, while I'm under the impression all the co-workers liked me, I make it a point not to get involved with other people so there really isn't much of a relationship between them and I. There are exceptions, but I'm confident the vast majority consider me nothing more than a helpful hand to have. Basically, it's possible that I can exit their life for good without them ever having to learn the truth, one of those exceptions is the only cause for concern, they might spill the beans (which is in their right, I can't blame them if they do).
So this is the first scenario, the current co-workers at my job. I'd like to give dozens of them gift cards, mostly small amounts, but still something to express my gratitude for their help over the years, or maybe even something to pick them up, with the whole Coronavirus I know their lives are getting tougher, so I think it'd be nice if they knew they were appreciated. I don't think it'll be a tip-off that's something's askew with me, or at least I don't expect anyone would suspect suicide. I'll be leaving my job before attempting suicide obviously, I'm keeping that hush hush don't say a word but if anyone gets really skeptical about my motivations, I'll just let that secret slip. For what it's worth, the two aren't really connected. Even if I was just leaving my job and doing something with my life besides ending it, I'd want to do something like this. Besides, I spent the money ages ago on a gift card for another reason, but it didn't pan out, which is for the best. So this is just re-purposing that (though whether I can transfer the funds to multiple gift cards remains another story). Anyway, since one of those close friends will likely still work, the probability of them finding out about the suicide is higher than I'd like, and I'm not sure it's worth the risk. I have considered trying to gift them anonymously but there's a few reasons I'm against it. I. I've done something similar there before and I don't think I went as I wanted it to, II. If they piece together it was me this time, they might figure out it was me last time and I don't want that. III. it's a lot more effort, I'd have to print out everyone's name and tape them on, and I'd need to include myself within the pile in order to not be suspected, and I'd probably have to print out a letter explaining what it's for, and if it times out with my departure, I might be suspected anyways, IV. If they find out about the suicide while that's still fresh in mind, they'll probably figure out it was me regardless, which defeats the point. I suppose if I can't transfer the gift card from one to many, then I can't do it regardless, but I still find myself going back and forth on that.
The second scenario actually came first, and is more heavy, it's about a former co-worker, and admittedly there's more trepidation outside of the initial suicide concern. For starters, I have to actively seek them out and contact them. I can do that on Facebook, though I'd need to make an account and use my real face and name to do such. I tried to contact them once before using a pseudonym (in order to gift them that aforementioned gift card) on there, but from a comment they left on someone's post it was clear they immediately disregarded the message as a scam, which I'm thankful for. I realize I was becoming the villain there. I'm uncomfortable with having my presence online, but I believe I can get over it for this. Though I am worried with my reason for contacting them, that they may suspect the pseudonym wasn't a scam, I'm not sure I can confess to that but I don't want to lie. Regardless, I'm not just contacting them for a gratitude gift, I'm contacting them to apologize. I can't give details, but I didn't lend them a hand when I should've, and I know it hurt them. I think there's a good chance they never held me accountable to be honest and I know they've moved on (hence the former co-worker) and likely wouldn't even consider it a slight in reflection, but I can't deny how much I hate myself for that mistake. But I can't just get a facebook and say "I'm Sorry" to them, at this point that clearly only benefits me. And a apology that only benefits the one apologizing is no apology. My plan is to ask them particularly if there's any gift they want (like if they have an Amazon wishlist) or if there's any charity they're passionate that I could donate towards if they don't want to receive anything themselves (understandable). Of course, in addition to everything else, I'm worried that that's just creepy and bothersome, and I'm worried of the opposite too, that they may want to keep the lines of contact open (I think I prefer the former possibility to be honest, which I want to say is the more likely [& I will make it clear in my message that the Facebook account is temp]). I may contact some other former co-workers that I'd like to express gratitude towards, but most of those I haven't been able to find, and I think I just want to be able to mention that to the main one just to lighten the load. Oh, and I plan to inform them that I'm leaving my place of employment, and that my motivation for contacting them came from reflecting on that time and wanting to leave it right, without regrets (which isn't essentially true). Obviously, I really don't want them finding out about the suicide, especially if that interaction goes sour. Although I think the chances of them finding out are significantly lower. When I first thought of this idea, I was pondering what I'd do if my suicide attempted failed, since I only get one shot before it becomes difficult. The first thing that came to mind, was I needed to earnestly apologize to them, so I could move on but the idea made me so happy, I started to think I should do it anyway, I don't intend on failing my attempt. At the moment, I fluctuate between thinking it's an awful selfish idea better abandoned or a good idea that could be mutual beneficial to both parties.
Sorry for rambling for anyone who decided to read this. I suppose I did find this therapeutic, at the very least I feel better having now written it than I did when I was trying to start writing it for about an hour or two (or procrastinating writing it for four hours before that). I'm not use to expressing myself like this, and chances are that if I manage to hit post thread, I probably won't be strong enough to check the thread back for awhile.
So this is the first scenario, the current co-workers at my job. I'd like to give dozens of them gift cards, mostly small amounts, but still something to express my gratitude for their help over the years, or maybe even something to pick them up, with the whole Coronavirus I know their lives are getting tougher, so I think it'd be nice if they knew they were appreciated. I don't think it'll be a tip-off that's something's askew with me, or at least I don't expect anyone would suspect suicide. I'll be leaving my job before attempting suicide obviously, I'm keeping that hush hush don't say a word but if anyone gets really skeptical about my motivations, I'll just let that secret slip. For what it's worth, the two aren't really connected. Even if I was just leaving my job and doing something with my life besides ending it, I'd want to do something like this. Besides, I spent the money ages ago on a gift card for another reason, but it didn't pan out, which is for the best. So this is just re-purposing that (though whether I can transfer the funds to multiple gift cards remains another story). Anyway, since one of those close friends will likely still work, the probability of them finding out about the suicide is higher than I'd like, and I'm not sure it's worth the risk. I have considered trying to gift them anonymously but there's a few reasons I'm against it. I. I've done something similar there before and I don't think I went as I wanted it to, II. If they piece together it was me this time, they might figure out it was me last time and I don't want that. III. it's a lot more effort, I'd have to print out everyone's name and tape them on, and I'd need to include myself within the pile in order to not be suspected, and I'd probably have to print out a letter explaining what it's for, and if it times out with my departure, I might be suspected anyways, IV. If they find out about the suicide while that's still fresh in mind, they'll probably figure out it was me regardless, which defeats the point. I suppose if I can't transfer the gift card from one to many, then I can't do it regardless, but I still find myself going back and forth on that.
The second scenario actually came first, and is more heavy, it's about a former co-worker, and admittedly there's more trepidation outside of the initial suicide concern. For starters, I have to actively seek them out and contact them. I can do that on Facebook, though I'd need to make an account and use my real face and name to do such. I tried to contact them once before using a pseudonym (in order to gift them that aforementioned gift card) on there, but from a comment they left on someone's post it was clear they immediately disregarded the message as a scam, which I'm thankful for. I realize I was becoming the villain there. I'm uncomfortable with having my presence online, but I believe I can get over it for this. Though I am worried with my reason for contacting them, that they may suspect the pseudonym wasn't a scam, I'm not sure I can confess to that but I don't want to lie. Regardless, I'm not just contacting them for a gratitude gift, I'm contacting them to apologize. I can't give details, but I didn't lend them a hand when I should've, and I know it hurt them. I think there's a good chance they never held me accountable to be honest and I know they've moved on (hence the former co-worker) and likely wouldn't even consider it a slight in reflection, but I can't deny how much I hate myself for that mistake. But I can't just get a facebook and say "I'm Sorry" to them, at this point that clearly only benefits me. And a apology that only benefits the one apologizing is no apology. My plan is to ask them particularly if there's any gift they want (like if they have an Amazon wishlist) or if there's any charity they're passionate that I could donate towards if they don't want to receive anything themselves (understandable). Of course, in addition to everything else, I'm worried that that's just creepy and bothersome, and I'm worried of the opposite too, that they may want to keep the lines of contact open (I think I prefer the former possibility to be honest, which I want to say is the more likely [& I will make it clear in my message that the Facebook account is temp]). I may contact some other former co-workers that I'd like to express gratitude towards, but most of those I haven't been able to find, and I think I just want to be able to mention that to the main one just to lighten the load. Oh, and I plan to inform them that I'm leaving my place of employment, and that my motivation for contacting them came from reflecting on that time and wanting to leave it right, without regrets (which isn't essentially true). Obviously, I really don't want them finding out about the suicide, especially if that interaction goes sour. Although I think the chances of them finding out are significantly lower. When I first thought of this idea, I was pondering what I'd do if my suicide attempted failed, since I only get one shot before it becomes difficult. The first thing that came to mind, was I needed to earnestly apologize to them, so I could move on but the idea made me so happy, I started to think I should do it anyway, I don't intend on failing my attempt. At the moment, I fluctuate between thinking it's an awful selfish idea better abandoned or a good idea that could be mutual beneficial to both parties.
Sorry for rambling for anyone who decided to read this. I suppose I did find this therapeutic, at the very least I feel better having now written it than I did when I was trying to start writing it for about an hour or two (or procrastinating writing it for four hours before that). I'm not use to expressing myself like this, and chances are that if I manage to hit post thread, I probably won't be strong enough to check the thread back for awhile.
*Regardless* curious to read what anyone has to say about the general question, my additional context isn't needed to discuss that and I don't expect anyone to read that essay I wrote, it's way too long and I'll still find the feedback on the idea helpful anyway. I wrote this in the spoiler, but I'm probably not going to be strong enough to check back, just convincing myself to hit "Post Thread" is quite a process.
