Is fear of failure a reason to live?

[stilhavinightmares]

I wanted to ctb on Tuesday morning. I went to a few spots and sat in my car for hours. Same this morning. I'm terrified of failing. I am so scared my stomach won't be able to keep any SN down and a failed attempt would cause unimaginable suffering for me and my loved ones. Do you think this is a reason to stay alive? Is being scared to fail at suicide kind of like hope?

Sorry if this makes no sense. My brain.

 

[Samsara]

I know that fear of failing my ctb attempt is a main reason that I haven't attempted yet. If I wake up and survive, I'll have lost the little I have.

 

[lionetta12]

I wanted to ctb on Tuesday morning. I went to a few spots and sat in my car for hours. Same this morning. I'm terrified of failing. I am so scared my stomach won't be able to keep any SN down and a failed attempt would cause unimaginable suffering for me and my loved ones. Do you think this is a reason to stay alive? Is being scared to fail at suicide kind of like hope?

Sorry if this makes no sense. My brain.

I think that is up to you to decide. I feel that we all are scared of failing, maybe it's even the main thing holding us back from attempts. I know that it's true for me. But I don't want to stay alive just because I'm scared of failing. I have nothing to live for.

 

[almostoutofhere]

It's most likely just your SI trying to convince you. There's been so many ctb threads with sn and documented deaths on here that in my mind there's almost no doubt that it will work if you do everything right.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I think that is up to you to decide. I feel that we all are scared of failing, maybe it's even the main thing holding us back from attempts. I know that it's true for me. But I don't want to stay alive just because I'm scared of failing. I have nothing to live for.

I am lucky; I have loved ones who also keep me alive. However, it also makes me feel trapped. They can't help and it hurts them and it hurts me to live for someone else. I'm sorry you feel you have nothing to live for. I wish my brain could completely not care about them and about failing but as bad as it is now, it could be much worse should I drink SN and live. Ugh.

It's most likely just your SI trying to convince you. There's been so many ctb threads with sn and documented deaths on here that in my mind there's almost no doubt that it will work if you do everything right.

I appreciate this a lot. I know SI plays into it for sure. The "failed" SN threads do scare me a bit but I know they didn't follow protocol and I take those with a grain of salt but they still get into my brain and make me doubt the method, arg.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

Anyone who's seen my posts on here will know that I am staunchly 'pro choice', and though I genuinely respect peoples feelings and the suffering they go through, I always think that suicide should be the last possible resort.

That said, I'm also very honest. So to answer your question, no. I do not think that fear of failure is a reason to live.

That doesn't fix the problem that brought you here in the first place. It doesn't change anything. Being afraid of the cure doesn't stop the symptoms from taking place.

It's natural to feel fear at the thought of ending your life. It's natural to fear things going wrong and making things worse. There's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about there.

Perhaps, this is a sign that you aren't truly ready to give in yet. Perhaps, you can take that fear and channel it into something to make even the tiniest change to your life.
Or perhaps I'm wrong and I really don't know what I'm talking about.

Just know that I wish you the best. Whatever you decide. And to you, and anybody who reads this. I'm always willing to listen if you want to talk. And I promise you, I will really listen. I probably don't have the answers, but I genuinely do care.

 

[almostoutofhere]

I appreciate this a lot. I know SI plays into it for sure. The "failed" SN threads do scare me a bit but I know they didn't follow protocol and I take those with a grain of salt but they still get into my brain and make me doubt the method, arg.

Read this thread. This guy documented his experience after taking only 2 grams of sn. It's really reassuring.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/testing-sn-how-to-get-to-hospital-fast.74903/

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Anyone who's seen my posts on here will know that I am staunchly 'pro choice', and though I genuinely respect peoples feelings and the suffering they go through, I always think that suicide should be the last possible resort.

That said, I'm also very honest. So to answer your question, no. I do not think that fear of failure is a reason to live.

That doesn't fix the problem that brought you here in the first place. It doesn't change anything. Being afraid of the cure doesn't stop the symptoms from taking place.

It's natural to feel fear at the thought of ending your life. It's natural to fear things going wrong and making things worse. There's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about there.

Perhaps, this is a sign that you aren't truly ready to give in yet. Perhaps, you can take that fear and channel it into something to make even the tiniest change to your life.
Or perhaps I'm wrong and I really don't know what I'm talking about.

Just know that I wish you the best. Whatever you decide. And to you, and anybody who reads this. I'm always willing to listen if you want to talk. And I promise you, I will really listen. I probably don't have the answers, but I genuinely do care.

I really appreciate your thoughts and your honesty. I tend to agree. I guess I will have to decide if I want to use the fear to try to fix anything. I've been going back and forth for over a month in intensive treatment trying to "fix things". Tomorrow I will either ctb or I will come clean with my team because I can't do this anymore. My mental anguish is manifesting physically and I feel dead already. Anyway, rambling, thank you.

Read this thread. This guy documented his experience after taking only 2 grams of sn. It's really reassuring.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/testing-sn-how-to-get-to-hospital-fast.74903/

Oh I've read his before. Actually just read it again last night to "pump myself up". I'm scared to go through it alone too is my other issue.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I really appreciate your thoughts and your honesty. I tend to agree. I guess I will have to decide if I want to use the fear to try to fix anything. I've been going back and forth for over a month in intensive treatment trying to "fix things". Tomorrow I will either ctb or I will come clean with my team because I can't do this anymore. My mental anguish is manifesting physically and I feel dead already. Anyway, rambling, thank you.

No. You aren't rambling. You're doing something very hard, which is daring to think differently when everything in your mind is telling you that it's hopeless. That takes strength. Allow yourself the small kindness of knowing that.

I'm very sorry that life has brought you to this point, and that you are suffering as you are. I truly wish you the best, whatever you decide to do. The offer I made above stands. I'm always ready to listen, even if you just want to vent. I don't know you, but I know that you matter, and that I care

 

[stilhavinightmares]

No. You aren't rambling. You're doing something very hard, which is daring to think differently when everything in your mind is telling you that it's hopeless. That takes strength. Allow yourself the small kindness of knowing that.

I'm very sorry that life has brought you to this point, and that you are suffering as you are. I truly wish you the best, whatever you decide to do. The offer I made above stands. I'm always ready to listen, even if you just want to vent. I don't know you, but I know that you matter, and that I care

Thank you so much for the comfort.

 

[FuneralCry]

But I think that if you have a known reliable method and you do your research into it, then I guess that you won't have to worry so much about it failing, even know I get that it can be hard to let go of fears. I understand having the fear of failing ctb though, that is what terrifies me and is a reason as to why I still exist as I personally lack reliable method options. It's just so awful how ctb methods can potentially go wrong but anyway I wish you the best of luck.

 

[outrider567]

I wanted to ctb on Tuesday morning. I went to a few spots and sat in my car for hours. Same this morning. I'm terrified of failing. I am so scared my stomach won't be able to keep any SN down and a failed attempt would cause unimaginable suffering for me and my loved ones. Do you think this is a reason to stay alive? Is being scared to fail at suicide kind of like hope?

Sorry if this makes no sense. My brain.

Yes,I would say that is a good reason indeed, you're not ready to CTB with that much fear and doubt---I myself possess no doubt all with my Nitrogen/EEBD hood setup

 

[TAW122]

I don't really believe that fear of failure is a reason for wanting to live (let alone enjoying 'life'). This is because our innate biological mechanism called the SI (survival instinct) prevents us from going through with activities that cause us discomfort, pain, and/or otherwise suffering. A fear of failure may be a deterrent towards certain methods and/or attempts, but the person does not necessarily suddenly enjoy life nor wish to live. Instead, they are stuck with the prospect of suffering as long as they are sentient.

 

[Maudlin]

Anything is a reason to live, if you want it to be.

As of right now, constantly breathing in and out is your default state. You can pick whatever reason you want, or pick no reason at all. Both are valid.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think it's a good reason to live but it's a good enough reason to stop you from dying (if that makes sense.) I kind of think for all of us- it's a balance/race- the fear of our future vs. the fear of dying. I suppose- when things become intolerable enough- it just tips us over the edge. Till then, we're all in limbo I'm afraid. I'm sorry.