Is Depression a Part of Your Identity?

[PlathWannaBe]

I was talking with my therapist yesterday, and one reason I feel like it's so difficult for me to work through my depression is that it seems to have actually become a part of my identity. She believes certain past events in my childhood and teenage years negatively affected me and are likely the root for my depression. In the present however, I notice myself purposely digging deeper into my depression, because it often "feels good to feel sad", or it's like I'm throwing a pity party for myself when I think about how shitty my life has been compared to other people (aka, completely making myself into a victim). Does anybody else feel like this, or feel like depression is a part of their identity? I want to change this so badly, but it is so hard.

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

Yes, such behavior towards oneself is common. It's like inertia, our minds get used to what we are used to and then it resists change. This is one reason why mental disorders are so persistent. At least you have good insight into what's going through with you. Hope your depression will CTB soon. :-)

 

[Rotten thing]

You are not alone. If I wake up just happy for no reason I beat myself up for it simply because this happy version isn't me. I really find it hard to imagine my life without whatever mental disorder that I have. I really hope you defeat this depression of yours and get the good life that you are so worthy of. Hugs

 

[deflagrat]

Yeah, my depression ended up becoming a philosophical perception. Like, I am one of the selected few that can say "go fuck yourself, life" instead of being a slave of your own feelings of pleasure and society. Most people are so busy as slaves that they don't see how pitiful their lives really are. Wanting to live doesn't make such a big difference, you will die a few decades later no matter what. From my point of view, wanting to live in this world makes no sense whatsoever.

 

[PlathWannaBe]

Yes, such behavior towards oneself is common. It's like inertia, our minds get used to what we are used to and then it resists change. This is one reason why mental disorders are so persistent. At least you have good insight into what's going through with you. Hope your depression will CTB soon. :-)

I agree with you that it's like our minds are stuck in this inertia of feeling bad, and that this way of thinking has just become normal and common place for us. I just really want to hope that there is a way to break out of it.

My therapist recommended picturing myself as a young child, and showing that child love, because he wasn't getting it from other places. I wasn't able to do it during several sessions. I couldn't show my younger vulnerable version of myself any love, even though he really needed it.

Today however, I did feel like I was able to love my younger self, and I'm hoping this will translate to my present self. Has anyone else tried this or something similar?

I also do some exercises where I pretend that the Buddha is showering me in pure love and acceptance, but this has also been extremely difficult for me to imagine.

 

[MissNietzsche]

No, but my eating disorder is..

I agree with you that it's like our minds are stuck in this inertia of feeling bad, and that this way of thinking has just become normal and common place for us. I just really want to hope that there is a way to break out of it.

My therapist recommended picturing myself as a young child, and showing that child love, because he wasn't getting it from other places. I wasn't able to do it during several sessions. I couldn't show my younger vulnerable version of myself any love, even though he really needed it.

Today however, I did feel like I was able to love my younger self, and I'm hoping this will translate to my present self. Has anyone else tried this or something similar?

I also do some exercises where I pretend that the Buddha is showering me in pure love and acceptance, but this has also been extremely difficult for me to imagine.

I practice age regression, and it's been one of two things that has ever helped me

 

[PlathWannaBe]

My therapist is going to do an age regression with me during our next meeting to try to get to the root of some of the hurt. They don't necessarily feel great at the time, but they do feel like they help. This would only be the second one though.

Have you done a lot of age regressions?

No, but my eating disorder is..


I practice age regression, and it's been one of two things that has ever helped me

Oops, I should have done a direct response. Have you done a lot of regressions?

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Today however, I did feel like I was able to love my younger self, and I'm hoping this will translate to my present self. Has anyone else tried this or something similar?

I've been flirting with Tara Brach's ideas about "loving kindness" ...
essentially a similair thing .

When I'm in the grips of the big negative , to try and tell myself that I am treating myself with loving kindness
and that I am worthy of unconditional love , simply because I am alive
is something we all deserve .

It may be helping a little.

There is resistance .

I was so fucked when younger , that I thought love was a kind of lie.
It may be a lie in society to an extent , but the individuals that are 'healthy' had a lot of love
growing up I think .

Good luck with it .

edit to add :

You know the toughest thing for me ? It is to access the 'feeling' ...
To be with the vile nothingness self annihilating yuck WITHOUT the intellectualizing voice ...

It is a struggle to be with that feeling and bombard it with that positive mantra .

I think we are all an ongoing experiment in healing , so good luck , again.

 

[Moonicide]

Yes, for 15 years. When I do have bouts of happiness, I question it. I'm beyond terrified.
I'm always waiting for something bad to happen, because that is usually what my life is.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

Yes, since it started in early childhood at 11 years old. It influenced my personality, my behaviour, my decisions, everything.
I feel like I didn't have enough time to develop a full-fledged personality and interests because it settled in so early.
I remember being a bit scared before my first appointment because I felt like I was afraid to be happy.

 

[Sensei]

In some ways. I'm bipolar and bipolar disorder is a complex interaction between genes, personality traits, and symptoms. For instance, bipolar individuals are more often creative, open-minded, neurotic, impulsive, and risk-taking than the general population. We have smaller social networks, have bigger difficulties forming lasting bonds, are more often unemployed, more seldom married, and are more often singles than the general poulation. Are these traits and their prominence the results of heritage, enviroment, or illness, or all of them? Are they constant or are they amplified by the illness? It's impossible to say. My life is basically governed by a cycle of depressive, hypomanic, and mixed episodes, with residual symptoms in between. I'm almost a different person when I'm in these different mental states. My bipolar brothers and sisters in misery often say that they aren't their illness, but in some ways we are, whether we like it or not.

 

[Susannah]

No, absolutely not (at least I think not). I was a happy kid, typically outgoing, and I loved people. I truly believe that my on and off depression is caused by therapists and meds. I've been told many times that I should be depressed, cause I've had many crisis in my life. Me being happy wasn't really logic for my surroundings. I have travelled a lot, though, and never felt better.

The fact that I'm not meant to live in Norway, a terrible cold country far away from everything doesn't help.

 

[exhausted]

The fact that I'm not meant to live in Norway, a terrible cold country far away from everything doesn't help.

I went to Norway in September and I thought it was incredible. It actually saved me a bit, thanks for reminding me. Sorry if it is terrible for you, it most definitely sounded cold as fuck from all the native Norwegians, I couldn't live there in the winter, but I was blown away by the lifestyle, the beauty and also the prices. £4.50 for a bottle of coke, I was scandalised. But seriously, I will go to my fjord place in my head now and fantasise. Maybe come to a beautiful part of the UK which I think is terrible and we can share this feeling?

 

[Susannah]

I went to Norway in September and I thought it was incredible. It actually saved me a bit, thanks for reminding me. Sorry if it is terrible for you, it most definitely sounded cold as fuck from all the native Norwegians, I couldn't live there in the winter, but I was blown away by the lifestyle, the beauty and also the prices. £4.50 for a bottle of coke, I was scandalised. But seriously, I will go to my fjord place in my head now and fantasise. Maybe come to a beautiful part of the UK which I think is terrible and we can share this feeling?

Lots of loveS

 

[hopelessandbroken]

depression has changed me so much and i have grown as a person so much because of it. i totally feel like its part of me and my identity. i dont know who i am without it so i dont know if i even want to recover anymore.

 

[exhausted]

Lots of loveS

You too! Wrap up warm, we are going to have a cold winter here too.

 

[PlathWannaBe]

I've been flirting with Tara Brach's ideas about "loving kindness" ...
essentially a similair thing .

When I'm in the grips of the big negative , to try and tell myself that I am treating myself with loving kindness
and that I am worthy of unconditional love , simply because I am alive
is something we all deserve .

It may be helping a little.

There is resistance .

I was so fucked when younger , that I thought love was a kind of lie.
It may be a lie in society to an extent , but the individuals that are 'healthy' had a lot of love
growing up I think .

Good luck with it .

edit to add :

You know the toughest thing for me ? It is to access the 'feeling' ...
To be with the vile nothingness self annihilating yuck WITHOUT the intellectualizing voice ...

It is a struggle to be with that feeling and bombard it with that positive mantra .

I think we are all an ongoing experiment in healing , so good luck , again.

I love Tara Brach! Goddess bless her. She has brought me some relief. And I whole heartedly agree with your statement about working on loving kindness, especially towards myself. It is indeed very hard to sit with the difficult emotions, but I try to do it when I can, or I try to remember to breathe deeply and be conscious of my thoughts.

Have you read any of her books?

No, absolutely not (at least I think not). I was a happy kid, typically outgoing, and I loved people. I truly believe that my on and off depression is caused by therapists and meds. I've been told many times that I should be depressed, cause I've had many crisis in my life. Me being happy wasn't really logic for my surroundings. I have travelled a lot, though, and never felt better.

The fact that I'm not meant to live in Norway, a terrible cold country far away from everything doesn't help.

I wish those people hadn't told you that you should be depressed. You deserve to be happy. Adults so often forget how impressionable children and teens can be, and statements like those can make children believe them.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I love Tara Brach! Goddess bless her. She has brought me some relief. And I whole heartedly agree with your statement about working on loving kindness, especially towards myself. It is indeed very hard to sit with the difficult emotions, but I try to do it when I can, or I try to remember to breathe deeply and be conscious of my thoughts.

Have you read any of her books?

I've downloaded radical acceptance and true refuge , also a torrent of audio of Tara 'radical self acceptance'.
Honestly , they are all kind of jumbled in my mind , but it's the vibe .
My main buzz is that Love for myself I never learnt to give myself because no one taught me .
Judgement , belittling put downs etc , I learnt that stuff.

It's been a novelty to start to take an unconditionally positive regard for myself.
That's what I get out of it .

We're all Bodhisatva's too ... I liked that idea , we all suffer , we are aware of it , we are all on the path .
I liked the egalitarian idea .

The world would be a better place if we all recognized our universal anguish .

 

[WaitingAround2Die]

I think my depression is symptomatic. I don't 'feel myself' when I'm depressed, quite the opposite. But it feels like the depression reveals something about my identity - that it is insubstantial - so I end up identifying myself as essentially damaged.

 

[enjoy]

yes. i wish it wasn't, though... it's warded a lot of people off.

 

[Jean4]

It's not part of my identity. It's who I am.

 

[CarefulWithThatAxe]

Yes, it is part of my identity now and inevitably it will end my life I can't actually remember ever being happy.

 

[Epsilon0]

Yes, it is. I was definitely born with some type of faulty mechanism. I have been overly sensitive and depressed from my earliest childhood. When I think of that little girl who carried the weight of the world on her shoulders, my knees buckle under me.

The first time I knew something was off, was in kindergarden. Later on, in elementary school, things got worse. I could not deal with any kind of cruelty, especially cruelty directed towards animals or children. I suffered so intensly at things other kids just shrugged at, that I started having stomach pains in the pit of my stomach. One time I had to be hospitalized because I could not stand up straight from the pain. It turned out it was "just" a stress reaction.

I wish I had been dealt another hand. I wish I could turn a blind eye to all the injustice and pain out there. It's overwhelming.

 

[memataporfavor]

I guess... My "suicidal sarcasm" or "macabre humour", you name it, has been with me since I was 11 at least... It's the age I remember REALLY wanting to die for the first time (I prayed to god not to wake up the next day, silly me lmao)

 

[DepressedAngel]

Oh my gosh someone said it, yes! I feel like this ALL the time. This happened with anxiety too for me. It's like you want to get better, but you can't because then you're not you and then you beat yourself up about it...or something like that. I'm not really sure how to describe it. But I know it's such a hard thing to get through, you just have to do it to get better. And everyone on SS will be here to help you through your journey. Sending love and hugs

 

[Midnight]

So much so that on the news of my death after the few seconds of shock people who knew me will realise that it is actually no surprise. For that brief moment i'll be remembered for who i was. And just as quickly... i'll be forgotten. Can't ask for more.

 

[Secrets1]

I agree with you that it's like our minds are stuck in this inertia of feeling bad, and that this way of thinking has just become normal and common place for us. I just really want to hope that there is a way to break out of it.

My therapist recommended picturing myself as a young child, and showing that child love, because he wasn't getting it from other places. I wasn't able to do it during several sessions. I couldn't show my younger vulnerable version of myself any love, even though he really needed it.

Today however, I did feel like I was able to love my younger self, and I'm hoping this will translate to my present self. Has anyone else tried this or something similar?

I also do some exercises where I pretend that the Buddha is showering me in pure love and acceptance, but this has also been extremely difficult for me to imagine.

 

[Midnight]

I agree with you that it's like our minds are stuck in this inertia of feeling bad, and that this way of thinking has just become normal and common place for us. I just really want to hope that there is a way to break out of it.

I've always struggled with it. I always feel that to be happy i'd have to be delusional. I look at myself, i look at the world and the people arround me... and see everything for what it is. To be happy would mean to ignore the truth or find some way to be "ok" with it... But again i look at everything and sure enough i'd have to think illogical/delusional to be ok with all this. I hope others can free themselves of this predicament. I won't try anymore. I even fear for the possibilty that if i should miraculously gain a "normal" life i would fall back in the same thoughts after some years. That existence is futile.

 

[Moonicide]

Depression is all I've ever known that I've embodied it. It is intertwined with my personality... I don't know how I'd live without it as it's all I've ever known. But would have I liked to have known a life without crippling depression? Absolutely.

 

[71214]

No. And personally I'd rather say I'm 'experiencing' it than 'have' it. I don't want it to become any part of me at all.. But my depression is more situational, the catch is- it's been a situation that's drug out for ages.