Discussion Is anyone’s situation similar

[Freedom21]

I been depressed since 11 years old and now have treatment resistant depression. I'm 21 years old now and have a functional disease. I've attempted multiple times since 13 years old. I had apathy for a while just ended I always forget how bad the emotional pain can be. I want to die but I'm afraid of failing and the pain. Hanging is my only option since I live with my parents, financially dependent, warm weather, flat state and in the suburbs so no jumping, and we don't like guns. I have no life skills or friends. I don't have a college degree and I feel like a burden. My parents are great and I feel so guilty that I can't be healthy and happy for them. I haven't tried the newer therapy for treatment resistant depression like ketamine or deep brain simulation because I don't want to get my hopes up and it's expensive. My depression isn't high functioning and even if I by some miracle managed to get a well paying job which would probably require a college degree I would be going through cycles of pain and apathy. I also struggle with intense social anxiety not the kind people joke about. I don't know what to do I don't want to be a burden but I'm scared of of the pain of hanging. I can't support myself and I'm miserable. What do I do?

 

[charlie_z]

I fully get what you mean by feeling like a burden. I'm a bit older (well a lot, if I'm going to be honest), and I've been through a number of serious cycles that forced me to move back with family. Watching them watching me and knowing what they were thinking was extremely painful. I felt filled with shame and guilt.

About the Ketamine or DBS. I've gone through countless trials with meds and interventions like ECT and psychosurgery to implant a DBS device. Keep in mind that each individual brings a unique set of factors with his or her disease/disorder/mental illness. The DBS device I had implanted was for refractory OCD, and it worked like a charm. As far as OCD symptoms are concerned, I'd say they were reduced by at least 50%, which is, statistically, a massive improvement. My problem is that I have a set of other serious psychiatric conditions, and those I have not been able to find a way to improve. But here's the thing; you may want to try the Ketamine. I know it's scary to live with the fear that you're going to be disappointed again, but there is the possibility that something may change. It's something to think about.

And finally, as a father to a daughter, to hear you say that your "parents are great and I feel so guilty that I can't be healthy and happy for them[CV1] ," well, that just breaks my heart. I can hear the love you have for them in your 'voice.' Maybe I'm wrong to say the following, but if your parents feel about you the way I feel about my daughter, know that they never see you as a burden. That it may be hard on them to see you suffer, yes, but not a burden.

Anyway, if you ever need to chat, I'm here. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I been depressed since 11 years old and now have treatment resistant depression. I'm 21 years old now and have a functional disease. I've attempted multiple times since 13 years old. I had apathy for a while just ended I always forget how bad the emotional pain can be. I want to die but I'm afraid of failing and the pain. Hanging is my only option since I live with my parents, financially dependent, warm weather, flat state and in the suburbs so no jumping, and we don't like guns. I have no life skills or friends. I don't have a college degree and I feel like a burden. My parents are great and I feel so guilty that I can't be healthy and happy for them. I haven't tried the newer therapy for treatment resistant depression like ketamine or deep brain simulation because I don't want to get my hopes up and it's expensive. My depression isn't high functioning and even if I by some miracle managed to get a well paying job which would probably require a college degree I would be going through cycles of pain and apathy. I also struggle with intense social anxiety not the kind people joke about. I don't know what to do I don't want to be a burden but I'm scared of of the pain of hanging. I can't support myself and I'm miserable. What do I do?

You're asking us what should you do in terms of whether or not you should kill yourself for not? Sweetie we can't make that kind of a decision for you. I'm sorry you've been so depressed for so many years without any help. You must be very young and that breaks my heart.