Discussion Is anyone on here a parent?

[pigglywiggly]

Hey,
I'm new. I'm just wondering if anyone on here is a parent, and if so how has it influenced your desire to CTB?

 

[Throwawaysoul]

Yes, single parent to boot. My child is a product of a woman that uses children as chess pieces and she's terrible at chess. Some people should be sterilized and that cunt is one. I never wanted to bring a life into this bullshit world. Especially not with my mental illness. Now I cringe looking at people that kids.

I just can't do it anymore. I lost the best years of my life because I "manned up". My child is almost an adult and would be better off without me, both emotionally and financially.

 

[k75]

I'm a single mom, but my son is 21 now. I do take it into consideration and feel a lot of guilt, but it's not going to stop me. I think he'll be alright. I don't think he needs me anymore. He doesn't act like it, anyway. People tell me he's just being a kid, but I don't know...

He has his own life and moved across the country as soon as he could, so it probably won't affect him so much in his daily life.

I know he cares about me, but he doesn't keep in touch that well unless I force it, and I don't want to do that. We used to be very close, but now I feel like if I died tomorrow and nobody told him, it would take him forever to figure it out.

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

I'm a mum to 5 kids aged 9, 7, 5, 4, 2... I'm just going to mess their lives up, I don't deserve the title 'mum' I haven't been a very good mum this last year I've isolated myself from them and shut them out because I want to protect them from me and my life. They deserve so much better.

 

[GeorgeJL]

I'm a mum to 5 kids aged 9, 7, 5, 4, 2... I'm just going to mess their lives up, I don't deserve the title 'mum' I haven't been a very good mum this last year I've isolated myself from them and shut them out because I want to protect them from me and my life. They deserve so much better.

So sorry to hear your story. What will happen to the children once your gone?

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

So sorry to hear your story. What will happen to the children once your gone?

My children have their Dad and other people who love them they won't be alone , I've made sure of that

 

[Baskol1]

My children have their Dad and other people who love them they won't be alone , I've made sure of that

Now this is a case where i would say suicide is wrong. Because if you kill yourself soon, it can be really traumatizing for them.

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

I would hope they would understand when they were old enough to why I did it. Ive been fighting this for 20 years im tired of it now, theres nothing left. What hope do my kids have growing up with a mum who barely functions anymore, i think that would be more traumatic for them?

 

[Baskol1]

I would hope they would understand when they were old enough to why I did it. Ive been fighting this for 20 years im tired of it now, theres nothing left. What hope do my kids have growing up with a mum who barely functions anymore, i think that would be more traumatic for them?

No, death is more traumatic.

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

No, death is more traumatic.

I understand why you feel that and this is why I'm stuck, because I don't want to hurt my kids, I love them and just want to protect them and either way I just hurt them, being alive but living like this or ending it and they still hurt.

 

[Baskol1]

I understand why you feel that and this is why I'm stuck, because I don't want to hurt my kids, I love them and just want to protect them and either way I just hurt them, being alive but living like this or ending it and they still hurt.

Yes, this is a very tricky situation. I guess you had the kids before you were depressed?

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

I've had mental health since I was 8 years old but have always been able to control it, the last 18 months I went down hill, I ended up with a mental breakdown, I haven't been able to pull myself back since.

 

[Baskol1]

I've had mental health since I was 8 years old but have always been able to control it, the last 18 months I went down hill, I ended up with a mental breakdown, I haven't been able to pull myself back since.

What exactly caused this mental breakdown? I mean why was this mental breakdown so bad? Normally mental breakdowns dont last that long.

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

I was abused by my biological family for 5 years that started on my 3rd birthday, my step dad rescued me, but to be further abused my his step kids and his friends until i turned 17 , my mum has physically and emotionally abused me my whole life until 18 moths ago when she and my siblings stopped talking to me completely disowning me. I had always been the out cast. Then at 18 i met my now husband who i married two years ago, my step dad died feb 2018 the day after his funeral thats when my family disowned me. And from then my husband has been emotionally abusing me, one day he went to far with his words while I was grieving for my step dad and it tipped me over the edge.

 

[HitchHiker]

Yes, single parent to boot. My child is a product of a woman that uses children as chess pieces and she's terrible at chess. Some people should be sterilized and that cunt is one.

I despise these types of women, they make my blood boil.

 

[pigglywiggly]

Yes, single parent to boot. My child is a product of a woman that uses children as chess pieces and she's terrible at chess. Some people should be sterilized and that cunt is one. I never wanted to bring a life into this bullshit world. Especially not with my mental illness. Now I cringe looking at people that kids.

I just can't do it anymore. I lost the best years of my life because I "manned up". My child is almost an adult and would be better off without me, both emotionally and financially.

See, I feel the same way like my kid would be better off without me.

 

[pigglywiggly]

I'm a single mom, but my son is 21 now. I do take it into consideration and feel a lot of guilt, but it's not going to stop me. I think he'll be alright. I don't think he needs me anymore. He doesn't act like it, anyway. People tell me he's just being a kid, but I don't know...

He has his own life and moved across the country as soon as he could, so it probably won't affect him so much in his daily life.

I know he cares about me, but he doesn't keep in touch that well unless I force it, and I don't want to do that. We used to be very close, but now I feel like if I died tomorrow and nobody told him, it would take him forever to figure it out.

Don't beat yourself up too much. You were a good enough mother that you were able to help him be a human being who can thrive on his own. I fear I'm hindering my kid.

I'm a mum to 5 kids aged 9, 7, 5, 4, 2... I'm just going to mess their lives up, I don't deserve the title 'mum' I haven't been a very good mum this last year I've isolated myself from them and shut them out because I want to protect them from me and my life. They deserve so much better.

THIS. THIS IS WHAT I FEEL. I've always had mental health problems, but after having a kid something changed and I can barely function. I don't think I'm a good mom.

Now this is a case where i would say suicide is wrong. Because if you kill yourself soon, it can be really traumatizing for them.

This is my fear because my kid is 2. But will she even remember me?

No, death is more traumatic.

Several years back I was on the verge of CTB. Now, I regret not doing it because it would fuck up my kid. I shouldn't have imposed myself on a helpless human being.

I've had mental health since I was 8 years old but have always been able to control it, the last 18 months I went down hill, I ended up with a mental breakdown, I haven't been able to pull myself back since.

This is kind of what happened to me too. I was clinically depressed but extremely high functioning in a PhD program. Now I barely function on a day to day basis, and I don't think I will ever finish my degree and I will be a disappointment to myself and everyone around me.

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

Don't beat yourself up too much. You were a good enough mother that you were able to help him be a human being who can thrive on his own. I fear I'm hindering my kid.

THIS. THIS IS WHAT I FEEL. I've always had mental health problems, but after having a kid something changed and I can barely function. I don't think I'm a good mom.

This is my fear because my kid is 2. But will she even remember me?

Several years back I was on the verge of CTB. Now, I regret not doing it because it would fuck up my kid. I shouldn't have imposed myself on a helpless human being.

This is kind of what happened to me too. I was clinically depressed but extremely high functioning in a PhD program. Now I barely function on a day to day basis, and I don't think I will ever finish my degree and I will be a disappointment to myself and everyone around me.

Im sorry to hear that, I think anyone csn do something if they put their mind to it, if you are already half way through your degree then finish it. You can do it. Ive been recently diagnosed with C-PTSD, Psychotic depression and anxiety. I've been told I always let everyone down and make them unhappy.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

I am a mum myself, they are all under 10.
I also have a husband. I have always had issues, but its only after a mental break down earlier this year after being raped by one person twice in my own home when my husband wasn't here, that pushed me to the edge, then that these issues and my past became very clear and obvious and are now out of my control. They are young, but my husband their father is their main go to, as my mental health issues have put my family at risk of being torn apart by officials. If I wasn't here, when I am not here, my husband will have no worries, but right now we are living on a knife edge not knowing if we are going to lose the children if I suddenly have another uncontrollable meltdown. CPS are heavily involved its pure hell. I apparently don't meet their needs and their emotional needs are at risk.
I have tried to seek help, but I am being failed at every corner, the only thing helping me cope is my anon blog, Would I be allowed to share the link?
but I have yet to hit on the heavy stuff, when I do,fuck I am scared!!!

Should I have been a parent? Nope, Should I be a parent? Nope. Do I want to be a parent...Honestly I can't answer that one right now :(

 

[pigglywiggly]

Should I have been a parent? Nope, Should I be a parent? Nope. Do I want to be a parent...Honestly I can't answer that one right now :(

I ask myself the first two questions ALL THE TIME! And the answer to that is a big fat no!

 

[Dead beat dad]

There is so much pain on this thread. Even if we didn't have the myriad of difficulties we have already, facing this conundrum on its own is enough to drive a person insane.
If we CTB it is not because we don't love or care for our children, as so many have stated, it's because we believe that they are better without us, even if they are dependent on us.
If we've ever lost a family member or close friend to suicide do you ever say:
"Well they were really selfish and irresponsible and shouldn't have done it?"
Or do we strike a more conciliatory time and try and be understanding?
I'd like to think that despite the obvious pain it would inflict in the long run child, partner, parents would eventually understand.
I'm so sorry for all the pain here and I sincerely wish peace and sanity to the awful places we find ourselves.
Good luck friends.
DBD