Discussion Is anyone else only alive because of others?

[FieldsofLavender]

I really, really don't like hurting people... They don't deserve to hurt... But if I want to ctb, I don't think it's possible to without traumatizing everyone around me... I stay alive because my family and online friends and partner ask me to and I hate seeing them sad when I talk about wanting to die or really just any of my pains... I want to hide everything, I want to die and have them forget about me and be unaffected, but I'll never get this... I'll never be free of this pain... I exist just to please them really...

 

[Versailles]

I am alive because my mother is the one who depends on me, that is why I have not yet made decisions that amount to sudden changes

By the way, @FieldsofLavender I see that you are new here, I welcome you to our beautiful community and I send you a big hug!

 

[outrider567]

Not me

 

[FieldsofLavender]

I am alive because my mother is the one who depends on me, that is why I have not yet made decisions that amount to sudden changes

By the way, @FieldsofLavender I see that you are new here, I welcome you to our beautiful community and I send you a big hug!

Thank you, Judah!... I-I love hugs, ehehe... I hope I don't end up a nuisance, ehehe...

 

[Versailles]

Thank you, Judah!... I-I love hugs, ehehe... I hope I don't end up a nuisance, ehehe...

Send me a message if you want to talk to someone, I'm always open to talk to people here.

 

[FieldsofLavender]

Not me

Oh? Why do you persist, then?

 

[painofzed]

I really, really don't like hurting people... They don't deserve to hurt... But if I want to ctb, I don't think it's possible to without traumatizing everyone around me... I stay alive because my family and online friends ask me to and I hate seeing them sad when I talk about wanting to die or really just any of my pains... I want to hide everything, I want to die and have them forget about me and be unaffected, but I'll never get this... I'll never be free of this pain... I exist just to please them really..

I'm alive because I don't want to hurt my children by milling myself. I've recently decided I am going to have to CTB, which makes me feel terrible. I am going to make my children feel awful, and that just makes me feel worse.

 

[FieldsofLavender]

I'm alive because I don't want to hurt my children by milling myself. I've recently decided I am going to have to CTB, which makes me feel terrible. I am going to make my children feel awful, and that just makes me feel worse.

I'm really sorry to hear that, both for you and for them... I hope you have a plan for them, somewhere for them to go once you're gone, something to tell them so they know it's not their fault. If you don't, I understand, planning things like that is really really hard. Hugs for you if you'd like them, ehehe.

 

[SamTam33]

Ctb'ing is a process and 'staying alive for others' is one of the steps.

Once your pain of being alive surpasses your love for everyone else, you'll move on to the next step.

At least that's what I've concluded for myself and from reading other posts here.

We identify obstacles on our path to ctb and we cling to those barriers as a (subconscious?) means of delaying it.

That's my two-bit theory.

 

[FieldsofLavender]

We identify obstacles on our path to ctb and we cling to those barriers as a (subconscious?) means of delaying it.

I guess that makes sense... I mean, I want to die, but I know that my alters try to cling to life in any way they can... They're also partially why I don't, this body isn't entirely mine...

 

[Tory123]

I really, really don't like hurting people... They don't deserve to hurt... But if I want to ctb, I don't think it's possible to without traumatizing everyone around me... I stay alive because my family and online friends ask me to and I hate seeing them sad when I talk about wanting to die or really just any of my pains... I want to hide everything, I want to die and have them forget about me and be unaffected, but I'll never get this... I'll never be free of this pain... I exist just to please them really...

Yeah i feel this, after my dad died a cant leave my my mom and brother alone. Shit sucks

 

[LocalAngel]

I guess that makes sense... I mean, I want to die, but I know that my alters try to cling to life in any way they can... They're also partially why I don't, this body isn't entirely mine...

Very much relate to the alter part.
I'm alive primarily because of my partner. I wouldn't want to hurt my mother either, but... yeah. Partner.

 

[FieldsofLavender]

Very much relate to the alter part.
I'm alive primarily because of my partner. I wouldn't want to hurt my mother either, but... yeah. Partner.

I hope your relationship is a pleasant one at least!...

 

[painofzed]

I'm really sorry to hear that, both for you and for them... I hope you have a plan for them, somewhere for them to go once you're gone, something to tell them so they know it's not their fault. If you don't, I understand, planning things like that is really really hard. Hugs for you if you'd like them, ehehe.

Their mother and my parents will take care of them. I plan on leaving detailed instructions and notes as well as a video for them to watch on their 18th birthdays.

 

[western_heart]

My partner is why I am still alive at this point. She is still fighting even though I have given up. I am content with killing myself once we run out of money.

Some alters wish we could stay living but in order to do that we need to get a job, to make a living somehow, and we were so hurt by doing that before that we are not trying again.

 

[FieldsofLavender]

Some alters wish we could stay living but in order to do that we need to get a job, to make a living somehow, and we were so hurt by doing that before that we are not trying again.

I know how you feel... To stay alive I need money, right now I'm living with family and basically just leeching off of them because nowhere would hire me, I'm just too much of a liability or they just don't want me for whatever reason... I have to resort to selling pictures online anytime I want anything, it's awful... I just want to sleep forever...

 

[Unending]

This is definitely the sole reason why I haven't done it yet. Despite being completely set on the idea, I have this thing where my empathy makes it really hard to do things that will hurt others even if it doesn't technically infringe on their rights or involves me only. I mean for the longest time, I'd be filled with guilt for a while after something as simple as feeling like I was unintentionally rude to the convenience store worker while buying a drink.

I think that I'm a little too aware of how horrible pain is once it begins to surpass a certain threshold and dominate your life and for whatever reason, other people's pain hurts too if I really care about their best interest. It just sits very vividly in my mind.

I have not and will not abandon my plans to ctb but I just can't do it to my parents right now. I do not care about every one else as I think I am estranged enough from my extended family and former friends for it to really take up space in my mind or theirs so I am okay in that regard at least.

But yeah despite all of this, I think about and feel things pertaining to ctb all day every day even though I have tried everything except for Ect, which I really don't want to try due to risks.

Anyways, that's my little rant/reply. Welcome to SaSu, sorry you went through the things required to find this place comforting but nonetheless, I hope being a member here brings you some comfort, peace, and community.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Partially guilt, but I know I have to take myself out of society soon.

 

[Gloom]

I don't stay alive because I want people to like me. I'm certain people won't think differently of me when I'm dead, people insult the dead all the time. I'm worried it will traumatise my family, we're not close or loving at all so if I die it's going to be so difficult for them. I'm really jealous of those who can love and care for others, I don't think I'd be here if I could the same.

 

[FieldsofLavender]

This is definitely the sole reason why I haven't done it yet. Despite being completely set on the idea, I have this thing where my empathy makes it really hard to do things that will hurt others even if it doesn't technically infringe on their rights or involves me only. I mean for the longest time, I'd be filled with guilt for a while after something as simple as feeling like I was unintentionally rude to the convenience store worker while buying a drink.

I think that I'm a little too aware of how horrible pain is once it begins to surpass a certain threshold and dominate your life and for whatever reason, other people's pain hurts too if I really care about their best interest. It just sits very vividly in my mind.

I have not and will not abandon my plans to ctb but I just can't do it to my parents right now. I do not care about every one else as I think I am estranged enough from my extended family and former friends for it to really take up space in my mind or theirs so I am okay in that regard at least.

But yeah despite all of this, I think about and feel things pertaining to ctb all day every day even though I have tried everything except for Ect, which I really don't want to try due to risks.

Anyways, that's my little rant/reply. Welcome to SaSu, sorry you went through the things required to find this place comforting but nonetheless, I hope being a member here brings you some comfort, peace, and community.

I'm the same way! One of my friends says I'm too empathic, I almost cried over dropping a piece of food on the floor because I felt guilty for ruining it, I get worried about upsetting someone even when that person is actively using or hurting me... I've been getting better at standing up for myself, but I still really struggle with that...

 

[SuicideDreams]

Yeah family's been kinda holding me back.

 

[NoWonder]

That's pretty much the reason I'm still alive. I'm aware that I'm just a burden to my family right now, but I still believe that they would go through much anguish if I ctb.

Recently I've discovered that someone has written a suicide note mentioning some pretty fucked up stuff that I've done to them (they didn't ctb as far as I'm aware). At the time I thought that this person would be better off without me and I simply stopped talking to them. After discovering all that, I understood how much I could hurt people, I can only imagine my death would only cause even more pain for my mom and my brothers.

 

[BloomingRose]

It may sound stupid but for now I live for my cat. She made huge impact on my life so I can at least pay her back by trying to make her life as stressless as possible.
As I planned to leave i some years I may just stay untill she's not around anymore (if life doens't finish me off first of course).

 

[downndone2]

My grown kids and dogs. But not sure how much longer I can hold on to this nightmare I'm living

 

[fuzzy-clown]

Yes. I feel so trapped. I can't wait for this to be over.

 

[FieldsofLavender]

Yes. I feel so trapped. I can't wait for this to be over.

I also feel really trapped a lot of the time... At the same time I really care about them, so I feel really bad about feeling trapped, ehehe...

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes and I'm so sick of it all.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

In the same boat, I'm alive for my family, we are very close and it will shatter them, but I'm starting to feel the guilt less and less with each passing day, suddenly I am disregarding the effect it will have on them. I just want to be free. I'm just too sick to be saved.

 

[living once]

Yep. Want to see if I can burn bridges by the time I CTB so no one misses me when I go.

 

[AloneInCollege]

I'm kinda the opposite, I'm alive because I'm scared. I genuinely think if I did it, people probably wouldn't care too much.