Is anyone else haunted by the years of therapy? Guilt for accepting suicide.

[Poltergeist]

I've spent over a decade doing all the therapy, lifestyle changes, mindset changes, etc - and all in all I'm probably worse than when I started.
I'm not killing myself because I have disabled family that rely on me, but that gives me nothing in terms of motivation, no ability to do things, no ability to keep mental stability. It just freezes me on the ledge before jumping, there is nothing else from it. All this talk of values and finding something to want to be alive has failed, I have done enough and it has all failed, suicide is what is best for me.
But now I am haunted by all the claims from psychology, therapy, philosophy, and all of it. That settling on life being waiting for suicide in cementing a negative view which can't change anything, that it's my choice and I'm creating it, and despite thousands of hours now of trying and it all failing, my experience can't silence the guilt.
I feel like I've been brainwashed in to a view of reality my experience showed didn't work, I already did what they've guilted me in to and it makes me worse, there is a cost to this constant trying and pushing to things which don't work. I can't argue it's not true, I can't argue it doesn't work, the logic makes sense, it just didn't work for me. It just didn't work.
I can't wait until I can finally kill myself. It's a constant push to convince myself that I can choose a "negative" focus that this entire world is just temporary until I can kill myself, and everything I have to do is progress towards suicide in a more motivational and comforting sense. But I still hear the voices, everyone still says it, it's in my brain.
It's not a great mindset but it's the only one that feels grounded while everything else has no reality to it, yet I feel the push and shame not to have it.

 

[Arahant]

So let me get this straight: The professionals whose job it is to help you, communicated that because you feel bad, you need to feel better and the way we accomplish that is by making you feel bad (guilting) until you do things that might stop making you feel bad.

Jesus fucking Christ. That is profoundly unethical!
Just when I thought I had seen and heard every form of therapist malpractice, you tell me this.
I am so sorry you have had to deal with these pricks.

May I out of curiosity ask for a list of the things you have tried/been offered as means to heal?
I assume your main issue is depression, but is there more to it?

 

[CannotAnymore]

I always get my ass handed to me when I say the mental health industry is useless and broken. It's about medicating people and guilting people... They take away the methods to a peaceful ending so that you have to be 'crazy' to do it. If you are honest about being suicidal then they want to lock you up in a facility and then when you say the right things they let you out. They want you on a lifetime of medications so you keep going back to fill your prescriptions. They make money, the pharma companies make money.

I was misdiagnosed as Bipolar and spent years on medication that made me feel crazy.... But I wasn't crazy... I have cptsd and I have expereinced parental alienation and narcisitic abuse... that I am currently experiencing.... But cptsd is not 'recognized' so it can't possibly be that.... In 5 minutes they think they can know about me... my history, my culture, my nuances...


If we could all go to a facility, say we've had enough and be put to sleep forever, the whole industry would crumble

 

[Poltergeist]

So let me get this straight: The professionals whose job it is to help you, communicated that because you feel bad, you need to feel better and the way we accomplish that is by making you feel bad (guilting) until you do things that might stop making you feel bad.

Jesus fucking Christ. That is profoundly unethical!
Just when I thought I had seen and heard every form of therapist malpractice, you tell me this.
I am so sorry you have had to deal with these pricks.

May I out of curiosity ask for a list of the things you have tried/been offered as means to heal?
I assume your main issue is depression, but is there more to it?

The way I wrote it has given the wrong impression, sorry. I've not had anything particularly guilt tripping from therapists and professionals than most, the exasperation of things not working and then because accused of not wanting to get better etc. i think many people have had that kind of thing happen and people accept it's inappropriate. I have had a therapist focused on ACT and the opposite regarding self blame and guilt. Talking about wanting suicide, feelings of guilt and suicide, is different than the guilt of letting go of the whole idea of trying to build a life worth living.
I have encountered the guilt tripping applied by people like welfare interviewers, and very frequently with people in the world using malformed language derived from therapy. I guess when I say people it includes them. There are arguments for why it's bad to give up.

I guess my post should be read that I know I'm irrationally feeling the guilt, but I can't let go of it, and I created it. Not so much the mental health system but personal experience of trying to apply it and the mindset from so long in it, It's just the experience of so many years.
It was more of an inarticulate rant, sorry.