Venting Is anyone else consciously or unconsciously doing stuff to push away the people around them?

[ringo99]

In my case it's both. My nephew and niece look up to me as some kind of fun uncle because I would play with them a ton when they were kids. They're in their teens and I should stay away from them now. I'm dead weight and they've got tons of people around them who'd be much better at guiding them in this stage of their lives. I almost never visit them now and even though I had a chance to see my niece today I stayed away by giving a lame excuse about needing to work. I know she's hurt and it crushed me to say the words but I know that they're better off forgetting about me.

At work I'm avoiding meals with my colleagues and limited my interactions even in chat. I don't say a word any more during meetings unless I'm directly asked something. I'm essentially a zombie going through the motions. I'm making more mistakes but I don't care anymore. Something inside me is preventing me from quitting. I'm hoping to get fired so that I can finally be free of that decision.

I'm even becoming irritable and aloof towards my mom who I'm close to. I really want as many people as possible to dislike or forget about me so that the smallest possible number of people are affected when I finally take my life. It causes pain like I've never felt before but I know it has to be done.

I anesthetize myself with youtube videos and mindless browsing. Each day melds into the next and I lose track of time often. There are days when I don't even feel like I inhabit my own body.

 

[alienfreak]

Yeah. I've already lost contact with almost everyone including my family, but with the last 2 people i send messages to i have become more distant. If i get a message due to my distance, like e.g. a recent one was "u ok?", then i reply something innocuous and dodge it.

I know my own reasons and logic are all mixed up and complicated. My mind is chaotic, a constantly shifting weather system of emotion.

In a way it feels absurd and horrible to treat the only person i care about badly, because on another level i wish i could be closer to him with all my heart, but i know it isnt possible. And ill be gone soon so i suppose to some level he'll see in retrospect what state i may have been in. I worry that im not capable of pretending to be ok at this point. I see no point in maintaining those last relationships, i don't have energy or mental coherence for it, and only see it a benefit if they care about me less.

The passage of time over the last months has been so weird and illusive that i have to really intentionally mobilise myself to do things like pay rent and check which month it is, especially because im not working or doing anything like that. I cant even remember the last time i showered

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

Yes, irl as online. I can relate to your feelings a lot!

 

[BlackEyedDog]

I have done exactly this, in fact over many years starting with very close friends. Now it has been with members of my family. But they know i am struggling which makes it harder because i'm not improving and i've caused them some worry. I too use to be a more fun person, i was present for whoever was near me. An introvert who had small circles that i gave to and who brought me joy. People genuinely liked my presence, family, friends, coworkers. But my depression has taken my life. Overall it's become a very small and lonely existence.

 

[DeathSleep]

I distance myself from people. Particularly from those who I don't have a necessary reason to see anymore. I just lose contact. I don't even make an effort to keep in touch with old friends. My circle now is very small and is just people I work with. I really don't even want many people to know that I died. Just kind of disappear and be forgotten.

 

[Surai]

I try to be kind but human interaction tends to put me into despair more then ever more so then distancing myself

I have done exactly this, in fact over many years starting with very close friends. Now it has been with members of my family. But they know i am struggling which makes it harder because i'm not improving and i've caused them some worry. I too use to be a more fun person, i was present for whoever was near me. An introvert who had small circles that i gave to and who brought me joy. People genuinely liked my presence, family, friends, coworkers. But my depression has taken my life. Overall it's become a very small and lonely existence.

Im find myself in the same boat as you friend, I hope you dont suffer too much

 

[ConstantPain]

When I try to imagine replying to family it feels like a ton of bricks on my chest. My one best friend has texted earlier in the week and I can't find it in me to text back. I live a long ways from any of them so I just hope they give up and eventually forget about me. I have all I can handle staying professional at work anymore and am so sick of acting. I haven't made any friends in the 9 years I've lived here and really what I've discovered is everyone has enough in their own lives. I'm just ready for my life to be over and know I'll be quickly forgotten.

 

[astr4]

i get it, op. it sucks to let other people down but sometimes you need to prioritize your own needs. even if you don't end up ctb, sometimes you just need the mental space. i think that's part of depression too, even our loved ones exhaust us.

 

[vitbar]

When things are bad I stay away from people as much as possible. Even when things are ok I refuse most invites. It's more about social anxiety for me than trying to prevent harm to them when I die. Sometimes I do it because I pushes me closer to the edge. A kind of selfharm.

 

[sweetcreep]

it's sad and it hurts and i want to reach out to people so bad sometimes. but i know what the endgame is and that this is for the best. i no longer try to resolve arguments or fights, i just let go. i don't make any plans to hang out or do anything with anyone. there are two people who i talk with every day and they both know my plans. one of them hopes to still change my mind and the other has accepted that nothing can be done. it's hard to push my parents away, but i'm hoping to be able to do something soon about that. i miss my friends. i miss doing things. but this is the most logical route.

 

[TheBroken]

I avoid all people including family and only interact/reply when necessary and to the minimum. If I never had contact with anyone ever again it would be optimal.

 

[ezziiooo678]

i basically dropped almost all my friends and only really interact with my family if i come out my room

 

[lifeisactualtorture]

In my case it's both. My nephew and niece look up to me as some kind of fun uncle because I would play with them a ton when they were kids. They're in their teens and I should stay away from them now. I'm dead weight and they've got tons of people around them who'd be much better at guiding them in this stage of their lives. I almost never visit them now and even though I had a chance to see my niece today I stayed away by giving a lame excuse about needing to work. I know she's hurt and it crushed me to say the words but I know that they're better off forgetting about me.

At work I'm avoiding meals with my colleagues and limited my interactions even in chat. I don't say a word any more during meetings unless I'm directly asked something. I'm essentially a zombie going through the motions. I'm making more mistakes but I don't care anymore. Something inside me is preventing me from quitting. I'm hoping to get fired so that I can finally be free of that decision.

I'm even becoming irritable and aloof towards my mom who I'm close to. I really want as many people as possible to dislike or forget about me so that the smallest possible number of people are affected when I finally take my life. It causes pain like I've never felt before but I know it has to be done.

I anesthetize myself with youtube videos and mindless browsing. Each day melds into the next and I lose track of time often. There are days when I don't even feel like I inhabit my own body.

I know exactly because I did it myself. Just pushed away the last person just days ago. It feels horrible yet necessary.

 

[mint]

Probably unconsciously I do this. But in my case people have always avoided me whether I want them to or not. They always end up turning on me. So I guess I learned to anticipate the rug pull and just treat them that way no matter what. In the end, you can only guarantee one person is gonna be at your death bed.

 

[Just_Another_Person]

I consciously pushed all my friends before coming here, I don't want them to suffer, even if just a little, because of me CTB.

 

[TheBroken]

Probably unconsciously I do this. But in my case people have always avoided me whether I want them to or not. They always end up turning on me. So I guess I learned to anticipate the rug pull and just treat them that way no matter what. In the end, you can only guarantee one person is gonna be at your death bed.

Same here - truth.

 

[killmesoftly]

I relate so much to everything everyone shared in this thread. Thank you for sharing because I feel so pathetic about myself for living this way but it makes me feel comforted to hear others going through the same- for some reason I have so much empathy and hope for you all and not for myself.
I've pushed away everyone in my life, let almost all of my relationships completely deteriorate. I also miss having friends so much, it's just too much effort when I don't even want to be here. I realized I'm doing everyone I connect with a disservice because of how fucked up, mentally ill and autistic I am. I've been told I'm selfish and can only ever focus on my own problems, basically why my ex broke up with me. They got mad when I went nonverbal, said I need to be humbled and that I'm not ready to be in a relationship because I need to heal.
I explained to my best friend a few months ago that I was distancing myself from him because I was going through so much and so depressed and didn't want to bother him. He just said he understood, not that I could talk to him or he was there for me. There was a period where he was there for me through everything, but then so much continuous toxic and traumatic situations happened and I felt himself distancing from me. He asked me to hangout a few weeks ago and I explained that I'd love to see him but I'm so depressed and don't want to bring him down and he said no worries, hit me up when you feel better.
I too spend most of my time now trying to sleep away the days or "anesthetize" myself with youtube as someone said- I really like that phrasing because it's exactly what I do too. Watch dumb shit I don't even care about in the slightest just to try and distract myself. I just don't want to bother anyone anymore, don't want to try.

 

[depthss]

i do it all the time, with just about everyone ive ever known. its usually something i dont think about, it just happens. but right now, i am considering trying to distance myself from one person, because i wont be able to CTB while i know them, and i want that more than anything

 

[Leiot]

Ditto.