Is anyone else addicted to self-isolation?

[sancta-simplicitas]

My main coping mechanism used to be alcohol, but after I managed to kill that, I started to cope by isolating instead and I just recently realized I treat those two in the same way. Whenever I get stressed, my first instinct is to shut everyone out. I turn off my phone, log out off every medium that I could be contacted with, often opt for deleting my accounts alltogether. Sometimes I order a new SIM card to be able to change my phone number. It's just so nice. It's quiet, it's safe, I don't have to withstand the unrelenting shame that comes with interacting with other people. No one can hurt me. Just me, my cat and my own thoughts.

At the same time, I realize it's detrimental. I'm losing friends, opportunities for pleasant experiences and I hurt people. Not to mention that the only times when I've been truly happy has been when I've been part of a group. Last bout lasted for several months, to the point many (of the few that I have left) friends thought that I was either dead or hated their guts and I really don't like to hurt people I care about. I don't want to be flakey and exist in the margins, at the same time it's all I want. It's the closest thing to peace I can come. Been trying to come up with a middle ground where I get to self-isolate once per week and I live for those days. I crave them and when they're over I'm hesitant to allow myself to exist again. I've recently fallen back to my old patterns and I'm trying to break them but it's just so hard. Managed to log into Discord around midnight and exchange a couple of sentences with one of my more shallow friendships but then it got too much and I left mid conversation.

Any thoughts, ideas, own experiences?

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I totally hear you. I have gone fully from my 'previous life'. More of a gradual withdrawal to minimise suspicion or being chased. Fully new number/location/ghosting emails for over a year now. 2 since I first moved away.

Part of me knows it was needed to stop me messing with others. Part of me knows I can't go back because it will just create uncertainty and likely more problems where I can't commit to 'sticking around'. Part of me misses various people and wanders how they are doing and feels bad for not being able to help them where they had real life issues to overcome and I got scared and ran away feeling inadequate with no real issues. Part of me longs for people to reach out but when one or two have tried emailing where I have changed number, I just freeze and have nothing to say and time passes and so I end up ghosting them. Not so much the initial reply, its the fact I know that will open the channel of communication and questions that I don't understand for myself let alone to try explaining to others. So I feel much more comfortable keeping myself to myself. I almost feel more lonely around others where my communication (of anything other than work necessities/small talk/pleasantries) massively fails me.

I wish I could advise one route or another.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Wouldn't call it an addiction, but whenever something happens I feel like I need to in order to keep people from seeing me at my worst. My explanations tend to be extremely long rant messages though that must cause my friends to wonder "what the fuck is wrong with this person"

 

[10minutesremaining]

for me it's more like being put in my place. if social interaction is strenuous it's probably because you don't fit in

 

[nolifer23]

Social media, electronic communication, phone calls = cancer ebola HIV.

I deleted everything and I am changing SIM cards cca every 2 years.

But the people who bully me are now impersonating me on facebook, they created profile with my photo and name, and FB is doing nothing about it, even though I reported the profile multiple times.

For me best modus operandi is not talk to anyone, I only greet the staff at fitness gym or wellness or some neighbours - no conversation, i just say Hi.

 

[vitbar]

I don't take the same steps as you, but otherwise yes. I decline what few offers I get to socialise, make no offers myself, shorten or avoid conversations where I can.

It has become a habit. I don't even think to do most times any more.

Have been trying to stop myself from doing this where I can. It's gone on so long it's a big challenge.

 

[Kavka]

I can relate to your experience as I tend to isolate myself and (almost) never proactively seek out other people.

According to the matching law, relative rates of response/behaviour (e.g. socialising or not socialising) match relative rates of reinforcement in concurrent schedules of reinforcement.

This is an oversimplification, but I think it explains why I, and perhaps you as well, act as we do.

For me personally, (the act of) socialising takes a lot of effort, I often don't find it really rewarding (lack of positive reinforcement) and it has been punished (in the sense of operant conditioning) by negative experiences in the past. I may be missing out on potential positive reinforcement from socialising, and there may be some negative reinforcement (taking away loneliness), but apparently these rates of reinforcement aren't enough.

Avoiding socialising (self-isolation), on the other hand, doesn't take much effort and is highly negatively reinforced because it allows me to avoid (potential) negative experiences and feelings such as shame. Self-isolation seems like "the winner" and based on my own behavior, it most often is.

I think there are a number of ways to change this. This depends on your preferences, of course, but here are some examples:

• Increasing positive reinforcement for socialising: socialising with people you really like or combining it with a pleasant activity.
• Increasing negative reinforcement for socialising: planning events in advance or joining a club/group with fixed dates.
• Reducing effort for socialising: only going to a social event for an hour or meeting people one on one instead of in a group.
• Reducing reinforcement schemas for not socialising: e.g. blocking the internet on a Saturday night or avoiding parasocial relationships.

You don't have to answer this, of course, but do you have ASD by any chance? There has been some research that has shown, based on brain activity, that social activities aren't just that rewarding for people with ASD (on average). Although, as far as I can remember, this is still inconclusive and there have been some mixed results and gender differences.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I can relate to your experience as I tend to isolate myself and (almost) never proactively seek out other people.

According to the matching law, relative rates of response/behaviour (e.g. socialising or not socialising) match relative rates of reinforcement in concurrent schedules of reinforcement.

This is an oversimplification, but I think it explains why I, and perhaps you as well, act as we do.

For me personally, (the act of) socialising takes a lot of effort, I often don't find it really rewarding (lack of positive reinforcement) and it has been punished (in the sense of operant conditioning) by negative experiences in the past. I may be missing out on potential positive reinforcement from socialising, and there may be some negative reinforcement (taking away loneliness), but apparently these rates of reinforcement aren't enough.

Avoiding socialising (self-isolation), on the other hand, doesn't take much effort and is highly negatively reinforced because it allows me to avoid (potential) negative experiences and feelings such as shame. Self-isolation seems like "the winner" and based on my own behavior, it most often is.

I think there are a number of ways to change this. This depends on your preferences, of course, but here are some examples:

• Increasing positive reinforcement for socialising: socialising with people you really like or combining it with a pleasant activity.
• Increasing negative reinforcement for socialising: planning events in advance or joining a club/group with fixed dates.
• Reducing effort for socialising: only going to a social event for an hour or meeting people one on one instead of in a group.
• Reducing reinforcement schemas for not socialising: e.g. blocking the internet on a Saturday night or avoiding parasocial relationships.

You don't have to answer this, of course, but do you have ASD by any chance? There has been some research that has shown, based on brain activity, that social activities aren't just that rewarding for people with ASD (on average). Although, as far as I can remember, this is still inconclusive and there have been some mixed results and gender differences.

That is interesting, thank you for sharing. I don't have autism and I haven't always been like this either. On the contrary, I used to be a social butterfly, the person who went home last from parties, more or less always interacting with people and I do (still) find it highly rewarding. Last time I met people was (turns out to be exactly) a month ago at a small party I forced myself to go to and I had such a wonderful time, I was elated for several weeks. Actually made an effort to reach out to people more driven by that experience alone. The only behavorial reason I can think off is that I've been taught over and over again that humans have a tendency to do more damage to people (at least to me) in distress, which was blatantly reinforced by my last therapist. I don't trust anyone. Not fully.

 

[kyhoti]

I isolate to keep from spreading my diseased mind out amongst the world. I can't keep it contained. I come here to feel like I have belonging, with like minded folks. All other forms of fellowship have become bitter gall, because I know who I am.