I am feeling similar to many of you here. I don't know if I'm having doubts, I'm just feeling like, ugh, lazy? I don't know. I can't find the words to describe myself, I used to say this about myself when I was around 13, that I'm incapable of doing basic things. I knew at 12 I was going to drop out of highschool, and I did, even though I tried to be positive and successful, it all just blew up in my face. I can't get a job, I have had a few jobs before, over 10 years ago. Before that, I felt the same, I was clueless and terrified, and the job interviews were scary, anxiety inducing. But now, I can't even work. I get exhausted within minutes, I have to pee constantly, I have IBS so I'm always in discomfort, I can't talk properly, I have nightmares about being at school or at work, and just wanting to get away, I feel like I can't breathe. I just want to stay home. I hate doing things, I hate having to do anything, I hate taking a shower, I hate having to eat, to wake up, I just want to sleep forever. All my life I have felt broken, I don't understand simple concepts and basic things, sometimes I think I get it and I believe I'm doing the right task or thing, but I end up being horribly wrong or mistaken. I can't drive either, I'm terrified, I have anxiety. Sometimes I feel like I'm being a big baby, or lazy, but it's serious, I'm almost 32 and still haven't gotten my license. To sum it all up, I'm unable to do anything independently, I'm not an adult, I don't know anything about being a grown up, I still feel like a lost child. I feel so stupid, and everyday I wake up, I wake up dreading everything, I hate being in this body with this stupid brain, I am so clueless. It feels like I'm living in a different reality from everyone else.
I remember when I was 20 and I first learned about evolution, and atheism, and that all the world religions were all wrong, and this whole time I was believing in fairy tales, I took it really hard I think. I thought at the time that it was a good thing, a relief, an escape from the brainwashing, but I obviously became extremely depressed because soon after I became addicted to heroin. It was a HUGE shock to me, that we as a species and society, still don't know why we're here, who made us, how we came to be etc. We do not know, and that was a big shock, shook my entire world. It made me feel scared and alone... of course now I've come to accept it and I understand why people still need religion and something to believe in, I get it. But the entire reason why I even went searching for those answers, is because of suicide. I simply wanted to know if I'd go to hell if I killed myself. That was my biggest fear, I just really needed to know. And when I found out that hell and heaven and all the religious stuff was all made up, then I really started to take suicide seriously.
I really want to just die, I don't care how, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I'm too tired and lazy to go through with a complicated method, SN looks to be impossible to get where I am. N is impossible too, SN looks like it's going to taste disgusting (and N) and sounds like heroin withdrawals (no offense), with my luck and my gut issues it won't even work. I'm too lazy right now to go through with any of it, hanging sounds easier right now, but even that I have failed I can't seem to find my carotid arteries. Right now, I'm trying to get strength. I recently found out I'm very low in iron, so I invested in an iron supplement and I'm taking that... it takes a while to work. All other blood test was negative for any other issues, so maybe anemia is the reason why I'm sooo exhausted all the time. Another problem, my pets. I have a hedgehog who is completely dependent on me, he has health problems and I am the only one who knows how to keep him stable, he actually has mental problems, he self harms (self mutilation) and has prolonged anxiety attacks. I can't leave him behind, I have to rehome him or wait for him to die before I even think about CTB. I have a rescue cat as well that I rescued last year, and he only really trusts me, however my entire family can look after him if I'm gone, but my hedgie I can't trust him with just anybody. He's in his senior years so he might pass on soon... I also had a hamster and he passed away last month, he was in his senior years too, I'm still sad about it. They're like my babies, I have a responsibility for them.
