Discussion Is anybody else pretending to get better while planning to ctb?

[leftdreaming]

Title says it all.

Feels like I'm living a double life, it's exhausting.

 

[telro]

My psychiatrist said I'm all good now so we had our last meeting already and I'm off meds as well

 

[Dayrain]

My psychiatrist said I'm all good now so we had our last meeting already and I'm off meds as well

That doesn't answer OP's question, right?

 

[leftdreaming]

That doesn't answer OP's question, right?

I think it says enough tbh. Well, at the very least I can relate lmao

 

[telro]

It does answer the question. I never actually did get better

 

[Dayrain]

Sorry for misunderstanding. Tbh I was skeptical If I understood correctly, because I believe a therapist never ever can be sure if someone is "all good now" as if it was a physical disease, we all know when they say it they need space for a new client.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I've been doing that for months, I'm trying to avoid any risk of intervention.

 

[Anonymus]

I try so that things don't get worse, but I can't.. I should be 20 years old again to be able to get out of this shit. But life is like that, I now have the resources I didn't have to deal with the problems when I was young but I lack the energy of when I was 20 years old to deal with the problems of now.

I can't be wise and strong at the same time, hahaha.

//

Jo m'esforço perquè les coses no vagin a pitjor, però no ho aconsegueixo.. hauria de tornar a tenir 20 anys per poder ensortir-me'n d'aquest merder. Pero la vida és així, disposo ara dels recursos que no tenía per fer front als problemes de quan era jove pero em falta l'energía de quan tenía 20 anys per fer front als problemes d'ara.

No puc ser sabi i fort al mateix temps, hahaha.

 

[Asingletwig]

Yup i feel bad lying to my friends though but i dont want to live anymore and i know they will try to dissuade me to stay for x reason.

 

[leftdreaming]

Sorry for misunderstanding. Tbh I was skeptical If I understood correctly, because I believe a therapist never ever can be sure if someone is "all good now" as if it was a physical disease, we all know when they say it they need space for a new client.

You were just looking out for others, no worries man

 

[silence of death]

same, i dont have many relationship tho, only have my father and i keep telling him things are getting better while trying to find a peaceful way to die
i guess i'm honest with my psychiatrist, i do tell him all the nasty stuff i keep thinking about

 

[tryagain]

Title says it all.

Feels like I'm living a double life, it's exhausting.

Absolutely! I feel there will be some very surprised people when I do finally go.

 

[hipsnake]

I've been doing that for a few weeks now, can't have anyone finding out and getting in the way of it. though it's a bit pitiful seeing everyone so happy I'm getting better while I'm just a big liar.

 

[NoLightRemains]

Yeah. I have everything planned out and ready to go. I was isolating too much and was getting extra attention from my family. It probably looks like I'm getting better from the outside, but I feel increasingly convinced my mind will not change.

 

[altoids]

Yeah. It's basically my only choice, I made the mistake of telling people and now everyone is treating me like a different person. Just recently my social worker flat out told me he'll get me committed if he thinks I'm at enough "risk." So caring. Makes you wonder if the people on prevention crusades like that even realise what they're saying sometimes.

 

[Kerrtu]

raises hand

Yes.

Am I doing a great job at faking it? Meh…I guess a good enough job that primary care doesn't realize, or the psychiatrist.

This is prime end of life time for me - my birthday is Friday, marking 10 years since my first attempt (I was so close!) and subsequent implosions. I'm estranged from all family except for my sister, and I have been planning to end things on Friday. Full circle.

5/26/83 to 5/26/2023

I'm not feeling afraid as I had been a month ago, or a month before that, etc. I have SN, and my body is run down. I've been sick since December and I'm becoming exhausted, going to appointments, the ER, and on and on. I feel very much like I just want this over already. If I don't go Friday, I will likely regret it very much.

 

[lostintheloop]

I've been trying to but no one seems to believe me. I don't know why as outwardly I'm functioning well, meeting all my responsibilities, doing all the 'right' things for 'recovery'. As far as everyone else is concerned I don't have plan to ctb (which tbf I'm unsure on method so isn't far from truth) just some ideation. Apparently i don't open up enough so they think i'm hiding something, but idk what to 'open up' about since I can't admit truth

 

[Embalmer]

I was at first for a pretty long while, but it's so exhausting and now I think I'm slowly slipping and it's starting to show. Which sucks cuz if anyone figures it out my plans will be ruined.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've tried not to let on just how bad things are in the first place. My nearest and dearest know I'm struggling- but- I've always been like that- so- it's the status quo really.

 

[unnormal9]

not pretending. actively attempting.

 

[dra1ncoreslwt]

Title says it all.

Feels like I'm living a double life, it's exhausting.

me. I've been doing this for a couple weeks, partly bc it's an attempt to look into the possible brighter side, idk kinda holding on bc I'm unsure, however I have been researching methods for a while and I still have that strong "I want to die" feeling. I was planning to ctb on my birthday which is in less than a month but it all just depends on how that day plays out… it is exhausting and nerve wracking.

 

[Softwind]

Yes, and honestly most people around me just want to act as if nothing happened, so I don't have to try too much.

 

[▪︎⚠ ＫＯＨＩ ⚠▪︎]

Yes, I do frequently act as normal, although when I really have a low mood, my friends notice and is a bit awkward for me to explain to them that not necessarily is because of something, I just feel emotionally numb, happens just because.

 

[degenerateINFP]

It would be nice to have people to pretend to, but no. I've already managed to slip out of all my friendships so stealthily. I'm nearly forgotten. I'm one who's escaped the real world almost entirely, except for the fact I live with family still. Only they know how bad I get, and it does pain me to let them hear anything about me wanting to CTB. Mostly they ignore me, and I can go months without saying a word. I actually haven't spoken much the passed 7 years that I don't know how to speak correctly anymore.
I've lost over 150k USD in the past two years, might I add that I don't even work anymore, and my family's poor. The 150k was winnings from my gambling, which has replaced physical self mutilation for me entirely. I'm blessed with making money from almost absolutely nothing, I have the ability to make a bit of money if I didn't hate myself. Nothings like the loss after a life changing win, or loosing a whole paycheck every single time, but l wonder what it will be that will allow me the strength to finally CTB. I lost 5 loved ones last year in tragic ways, so right now it's a bit hard to find the energy at all to CTB.. I'm almost worn out entirely, that I'm forced to stay here.. and almost becoming content with the pain I feel. Almost in love with it.. watching every opportunity open up and be destroyed by me, so that I never have the chance to ever be happy.

short answer: no, since I managed to slip out of people's lives so perfectly. And now it's all becoming easy to live because it's almost like i've already left, just repeating the feeling of wanting to CTB over and over any chance I can get, because I dislike myself that much and can't just let myself not suffer even more. Sorry.

 

[Dayrain]

You were just looking out for others, no worries man

Thank you. But I genuinely was sorry, because I always double think before I post something.

 

[AngelRosrom]

I even tried, I was going to the gym for 3 months daily, I've tried to change something's about me, go to therapy 4 months, but at the end was the same, there's nothing I can do, the best I try the worts I fail, I even tried ctb, failed, I feel more and more sad and lonely, don't have friends and my family, can't care less

 

[MeltingBrain]

Title says it all.

Feels like I'm living a double life, it's exhausting.

I don't pretend my health is getting better , These are my reasons -
1. It will be easier for them to process step by step , whether I CTB or natural cause takes me away , instead of just waking up 1 day and *poof* gone .
2. My symptoms are hard to hide .
3. The one you stated . It's exhausting playing a double role .

 

[PinkyStat]

Yes, but honestly it is very hard to pretend when you get exausted by doing anything

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

Tbh you can just tell them that you don't feel the greatest but i think when it comes to ctb plans you can't mention that unless if you need help.

So if you tell them that you are feeling a bit down they might offer you emotional support without taking you to a mental hospital.

 

[SunnyDay_NoSunshine]

I fully relate to this thread.

I am close to normal and my old self to everyone thats interacts with me. I broke down about two years ago and had a really rough 3 months. After that tried a variety of tings to improve my situation. But realized the basic problem is not within my control to solve. Not functioning fully was only makes things more difficult. So over time I grew into this dual mode of externally ok + functioning and at the same time internally going down the drain. This double life is exhausting and the split only widens over time. And I just cannot seem to be able to escape it as not doing ok externally only makes things go down the drain faster.