B
bleeeeeep
✧・゚: *✧・゚:*
- Jan 5, 2022
- 69
despite wanting to ctb a lot of the time, feeling hopeless, hating myself and the life i have, i'm quite close with my parents. for their lack of understanding, they are still good people and i can admit that. they are the only two people i have left and feel like i can trust, to an extent. they've done their best with me, even though they get frustrated and angry sometimes. it's understandable when you have a daughter who acts and feels the way i do. i wouldn't know what to do with me either.
in november, when i restarted on prozac and had my worst crisis to date which almost caused my first hospitalisation, i began having intrusive thoughts which were more vivid and scary than i have ever experienced before. i've been afraid of myself before, but i don't think i've ever been that close to choosing a very unsavoury and painful way of killing myself just to get rid of those awful thoughts. they have subsided a little since then, but they do appear sometimes, especially just before i fall asleep. this time, though, they involve my parents, which is just horrifying to me. every single night it's like i'm being taunted with the thought that one or both of my parents are dying or dead in the other room and i'll awake to find them gone.. or that the next day my dad will leave early for work as usual, and i won't be able to say bye or that i love him, and he'll be killed or badly hurt in an accident. well, it seems like today was the day that that thought has come partially true.
i'm relieved he is alive and lucid (at least, it seems that way on the phone) and being looked after, but getting a call from him, finding out he was in a motorbike accident, and watching my mother's face drop made me so upset. for someone who is suicidal, i sure do get really sad at the thought of a loved one dying. i think i am just slightly traumatised from there being so much death in my family. i'm still not desensitised to it, i suppose. it still really affects me. i cried a lot tonight. even though as far as i know he just has a fucking bruised tailbone. it made me spiral a bit, it felt like one of my worst intrusive thoughts was coming true almost. i already feel alone in this world despite having my parents, but once they pass away, i will be completely on my own. i have no siblings and no close family. i believe the only option then will be to join them. i'm afraid for that day, honestly. i know i will have to do it, to avoid any further suffering for myself, but there's nothing else to say for it. i'm scared.
anyway, i had to write all of this to get it out somewhere/maintain my dregs of sanity and to stay awake so i can find out how my dad is, lol. i'm not sure how much of this made sense but i am not feeling great right now. which is hopefully understandable. (.﹒︠₋﹒︡.)
in november, when i restarted on prozac and had my worst crisis to date which almost caused my first hospitalisation, i began having intrusive thoughts which were more vivid and scary than i have ever experienced before. i've been afraid of myself before, but i don't think i've ever been that close to choosing a very unsavoury and painful way of killing myself just to get rid of those awful thoughts. they have subsided a little since then, but they do appear sometimes, especially just before i fall asleep. this time, though, they involve my parents, which is just horrifying to me. every single night it's like i'm being taunted with the thought that one or both of my parents are dying or dead in the other room and i'll awake to find them gone.. or that the next day my dad will leave early for work as usual, and i won't be able to say bye or that i love him, and he'll be killed or badly hurt in an accident. well, it seems like today was the day that that thought has come partially true.
i'm relieved he is alive and lucid (at least, it seems that way on the phone) and being looked after, but getting a call from him, finding out he was in a motorbike accident, and watching my mother's face drop made me so upset. for someone who is suicidal, i sure do get really sad at the thought of a loved one dying. i think i am just slightly traumatised from there being so much death in my family. i'm still not desensitised to it, i suppose. it still really affects me. i cried a lot tonight. even though as far as i know he just has a fucking bruised tailbone. it made me spiral a bit, it felt like one of my worst intrusive thoughts was coming true almost. i already feel alone in this world despite having my parents, but once they pass away, i will be completely on my own. i have no siblings and no close family. i believe the only option then will be to join them. i'm afraid for that day, honestly. i know i will have to do it, to avoid any further suffering for myself, but there's nothing else to say for it. i'm scared.
anyway, i had to write all of this to get it out somewhere/maintain my dregs of sanity and to stay awake so i can find out how my dad is, lol. i'm not sure how much of this made sense but i am not feeling great right now. which is hopefully understandable. (.﹒︠₋﹒︡.)