MissAbyss
"I gazed for too long.."
- Jul 20, 2025
- 13
Hello my fellow sufferers,
Lurking around for a couple of month now, so I thought, "let me introduce myself."
Bear with me, English is not my first language.
I'm a woman, late 30s from a small sh!thole country in Europe where they smoke lots of green plants and eat lots of cheese *yummy*.
I'm dealing for over more than 30 years with major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, panic disorder with servere agoraphobia which led too a lot of isolation and therefore homebound on an early age. Surviving 24/7 psychological warfare; emotional and physical violence and neglect, sexual harassment and financial exploitation due abusive family members which created Complex PTSD.
I moved over a dozen times because they kept f'ng things up, spent tens of thousands on them, house fire (malicious intent), threatened with a knife, my precious dog got k!lled by another dog and much, much more..
I 'semi' escaped my abusers 5 years ago but I was still dependent on them. For a while it went well even knowing that my future perspective was not very hopeful, like no education, job, relationship, friends etc. I got me a little dog again, followed therapies and even studied some coaching techniques and different forms of therapies myself. Two years ago I started dating a man I met online, in hindsight there were big red flags from the beginning which "obviously" my stupid ass had to ignore. After three months of talking online and two months of physical dating I ended contact and he started stalking me (especially online) and this lasted for about a year. Retraumatization and the beginning of back to isolation again.
In meanwhile I had stopped taking antidepressants on advice of a psychologist so trauma therapy would work better. That was the dumbest of all decisions ever made! It gave me Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome as cherry on top! After almost 10 months of enduring over more then 100+ horrible physical, neurological and cognitive symptoms I decided out of despair and "as my last straw" too reinstate. Last couple of month some symptoms faded away but the damage has been done. My brains are fried, still have moderate akathisia with severe SI and I have to deal with constant physical pain (neuropathy). And Hooray!
I'm stuck on the poison and back in total isolation again. This time in my own tiny little house with my dog without abusers around me though. I have almost no support system, only one family member who brings me food daily and walks with my dog.
The constant feeling what has been created in the last year of extreme fear, anger, disgust towards certain people, my own life, society as whole and knowing I have zero future prospects brought me below rock bottom.
For months now, I'm thinking and planning to CTB. Everything has already been arranged; financial, my stuff, letters etc. Even the rope is already attached for weeks. Only, I still didn't do it! One thing is holding me back. My beloved, precious little furbaby. If I look at her, those tiny little brown eyes, all the innocence and purity. The thought that she will end up at one of mine abusive family members who will likely neglect her or ending up in a animal shelter. I had to withstand all this bullsh!ttery in life but that would be really devastating! At the moment I live by minutes, hours or at most one day ahead. I can't do 10+ more years anymore under these conditions or even worser.
I need to find a solution for her or find acceptance in leaving her behind. The mind still says, "over my dead body."
So f@ck, I need to hang on for while, no pun intended.
This is the first time in my life that I really pouring my heart out.. Thank you for taking the time for reading a part of my life story.
Lurking around for a couple of month now, so I thought, "let me introduce myself."
Bear with me, English is not my first language.
I'm a woman, late 30s from a small sh!thole country in Europe where they smoke lots of green plants and eat lots of cheese *yummy*.
I'm dealing for over more than 30 years with major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, panic disorder with servere agoraphobia which led too a lot of isolation and therefore homebound on an early age. Surviving 24/7 psychological warfare; emotional and physical violence and neglect, sexual harassment and financial exploitation due abusive family members which created Complex PTSD.
I moved over a dozen times because they kept f'ng things up, spent tens of thousands on them, house fire (malicious intent), threatened with a knife, my precious dog got k!lled by another dog and much, much more..
I 'semi' escaped my abusers 5 years ago but I was still dependent on them. For a while it went well even knowing that my future perspective was not very hopeful, like no education, job, relationship, friends etc. I got me a little dog again, followed therapies and even studied some coaching techniques and different forms of therapies myself. Two years ago I started dating a man I met online, in hindsight there were big red flags from the beginning which "obviously" my stupid ass had to ignore. After three months of talking online and two months of physical dating I ended contact and he started stalking me (especially online) and this lasted for about a year. Retraumatization and the beginning of back to isolation again.
In meanwhile I had stopped taking antidepressants on advice of a psychologist so trauma therapy would work better. That was the dumbest of all decisions ever made! It gave me Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome as cherry on top! After almost 10 months of enduring over more then 100+ horrible physical, neurological and cognitive symptoms I decided out of despair and "as my last straw" too reinstate. Last couple of month some symptoms faded away but the damage has been done. My brains are fried, still have moderate akathisia with severe SI and I have to deal with constant physical pain (neuropathy). And Hooray!
I'm stuck on the poison and back in total isolation again. This time in my own tiny little house with my dog without abusers around me though. I have almost no support system, only one family member who brings me food daily and walks with my dog.
The constant feeling what has been created in the last year of extreme fear, anger, disgust towards certain people, my own life, society as whole and knowing I have zero future prospects brought me below rock bottom.
For months now, I'm thinking and planning to CTB. Everything has already been arranged; financial, my stuff, letters etc. Even the rope is already attached for weeks. Only, I still didn't do it! One thing is holding me back. My beloved, precious little furbaby. If I look at her, those tiny little brown eyes, all the innocence and purity. The thought that she will end up at one of mine abusive family members who will likely neglect her or ending up in a animal shelter. I had to withstand all this bullsh!ttery in life but that would be really devastating! At the moment I live by minutes, hours or at most one day ahead. I can't do 10+ more years anymore under these conditions or even worser.
I need to find a solution for her or find acceptance in leaving her behind. The mind still says, "over my dead body."
So f@ck, I need to hang on for while, no pun intended.
This is the first time in my life that I really pouring my heart out.. Thank you for taking the time for reading a part of my life story.
Last edited:
Prefer Beemster graskaas myself 
