intro/vent

[_habs1999]

hey guys,

i found this community maybe a month back when i was at my lowest. for quite a bit, suicidal ideations have pervaded my thoughts. i've adopted this apathy towards life in general where i don't care at all what happens to me and it's been quite scary and has allowed me to justify risky behaviors, even though i've always been a bit impulsive.

i'm a 19f university student at my dream school. multiple aspects of my life could be better but it's not so much a resentment for my current situation. i feel like this even when everything is going well. i should be happier but i'm not.

i never considered suicide until a friend did in my dorm building. i've engaged in some acts of self harm (cutting) but i stopped just because the scars were so noticeable (side note, isn't it super uncomfortable when someone glances at your cutting scars and then do that thing where they pretend they didn't see..but i digress lolz)

every time i see a tall building on campus, i get the urge to jump. any time i see meds i contemplate downing the whole bottle.

i'd say i'm scared, but i'm not. i don't care. i'm tired.

not really sure the point of this post, but maybe it resonates with someone else

 

[ausboy96]

What method did your friend use, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[blueming]

Welcome to the site ^^ I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I hope you'll be able to find some comfort here :)

(side note, isn't it super uncomfortable when someone glances at your cutting scars and then do that thing where they pretend they didn't see..but i digress lolz)

Lol yes I relate so much :D

 

[divinized]

I hope you'll feel at home here. Welcome! I've also cut before and yeah it's pretty awkward when someone pretends not to notice when they see your cuts.

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

The apathy gets me too, and i relate to not feeling happy even when thing are going well. I got a gf, decent grades, I play soccer every week, and i got some great friends, but suicidal thoughts never really leave me alone :/ Just kinda hard for me to see the point of it all ya know, and I'm too lazy and too tired to try to give life any meaning so I've mentally resigned myself to dying, just waiting for a good time to give up this life

 

[_habs1999]

What method did your friend use, if you don't mind me asking?

don't know, the family didn't want to disclose it. the whole event was quite traumatic tbh because I was there when they found her. it's always been in the back of my mind since

 

[_habs1999]

The apathy gets me too, and i relate to not feeling happy even when thing are going well. I got a gf, decent grades, I play soccer every week, and i got some great friends, but suicidal thoughts never really leave me alone :/ Just kinda hard for me to see the point of it all ya know, and I'm too lazy and too tired to try to give life any meaning so I've mentally resigned myself to dying, just waiting for a good time to give up this life

i think the apathy is almost worse than sadness. i relate to this so hard. i feel like i should be happy with what i have; my friends, my health, looks, academics, etc. but none of it means anything to me! i just want to go away yikes. it's just exhausting to always have to be "on"

 

[_habs1999]

I hope you'll feel at home here. Welcome! I've also cut before and yeah it's pretty awkward when someone pretends not to notice when they see your cuts.

thank you! i've never been able to openly discuss suicidal thoughts before. this has truly been great for me :) oh and yeahhh, one of my TAs stared at my arm for a few seconds and i was mortified. makeup, jewelry, and long sleeves are my best friends i guess