Hi everyone. I am in my 40s, and have wanted to die since my teens. For me the only thing that has really stopped me is the pain normally associated with many of the common methods to ctb. Currently I am nervous but I spent a while trying to figure out what method. I was going to do suspension, but the fear of it taking a long time and possible permanent side effects stopped me.
Some history about me. I am bipolar. My mother was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder when I was in my 20s, but she had it the whole time I was growing up. Can you imagine talking to your mother and having her act like a totally different person. I don't blame her for it anymore because she was sick. I was never shown love. My mother's answer to showing me love was by giving me money. To this day I have no idea how to show love. My father never protected me. He just let my mother do whatever she wanted with me. I was more afraid of my mom than anyone else. The worst part was that I never learned normal social interactions. My home life was so dysfunctional that I never learned the proper reactions or understood the meaning of different social situations. The physical and mental abuse was occurring daily. Even though monetarily my family was well off, and it looked like i had a good life, I never really had a family. Sure i lived there and they provided me with a roof and food, I never really experienced true love. I remember when i was young looking at other families and asking myself is this what a normal family is like? I have a fiance, but I'll be honest I try to show her I love her, but since I was never shown how it never comes across how I want it to. My fiancé's family has been better to me than my own. I don't know how to relate to others. I don't understand social interactions and it's impossible for me to keep my friends. My whole life I've always felt alone. I've always felt like no one understands me.
I am tired of having to fake being normal. I am tired of life in general. When I was in my 20s I accidentally overdosed, and they brought me back. I was so angry at the hospital that they said it was a suicide attempt. It wasn't. Recently I became homeless and I am living out of my car.
Even though I am ready I still am nervous about it. My main worry is turning into a vegetable or worse. That's where most of my anxiety about it comes from. After trying my wrists and going through all that I am so afraid I will fail again. Where I live the mental health facilities are a joke. There is no treatment. When I was there there we no groups, no classes, no counseling. In the 2 weeks I was there we had one group and they had us draw a picture of a treasure chest and put what were our important things inside and who protects them on the outside. It was an absolute joke. Our day was spent watching TV. I got no help. The state of mental health support is so sad. They spend more time punishing those with mental illness than helping them. Even though I want this my body is fighting me. Even sitting here just writing this post I am nervous. I know I don't want to be here. I just want to build up the courage. I feel like I'm going to succumb to SI. I don't have access to benzos, so there's not much I can do about it. It sucks to want something so much just to have your body fight you. I feel like I've had a decent life after my childhood, but at this point it's all downhill from here.
On a side note I went to a store to get the gas, and after helping the manager with his printing he gifted me a 20cf tank. I did not expect that.
I do have a few questions. Why is it that it's recommended to have enough gas for 40min? I feel like that is a bit overkill. Anyone know about how long it takes to pass out when using inert gas?
I am dedicated to this, but my SI is so strong that I am having issues fighting it. I know that this is what I want, but my mind is always going 100mph. I have crippling paranoia, and many thoughts that just aren't based in reality. This makes it much more difficult.
I keep thinking about it and in my head it is a battle with what if this and what if that. Mostly what if I fail, and all the things that can happen if I do fail. This is very hard for me to write. I am not the type of person to write about or speak about what is going on in my head, but I feel like this is a safe place. At the same time I am afraid of posting this. I wish I could just be calm and collected, but I have never been that person. Anyone have suggestions for overcoming the SI besides benzos?
Some history about me. I am bipolar. My mother was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder when I was in my 20s, but she had it the whole time I was growing up. Can you imagine talking to your mother and having her act like a totally different person. I don't blame her for it anymore because she was sick. I was never shown love. My mother's answer to showing me love was by giving me money. To this day I have no idea how to show love. My father never protected me. He just let my mother do whatever she wanted with me. I was more afraid of my mom than anyone else. The worst part was that I never learned normal social interactions. My home life was so dysfunctional that I never learned the proper reactions or understood the meaning of different social situations. The physical and mental abuse was occurring daily. Even though monetarily my family was well off, and it looked like i had a good life, I never really had a family. Sure i lived there and they provided me with a roof and food, I never really experienced true love. I remember when i was young looking at other families and asking myself is this what a normal family is like? I have a fiance, but I'll be honest I try to show her I love her, but since I was never shown how it never comes across how I want it to. My fiancé's family has been better to me than my own. I don't know how to relate to others. I don't understand social interactions and it's impossible for me to keep my friends. My whole life I've always felt alone. I've always felt like no one understands me.
I am tired of having to fake being normal. I am tired of life in general. When I was in my 20s I accidentally overdosed, and they brought me back. I was so angry at the hospital that they said it was a suicide attempt. It wasn't. Recently I became homeless and I am living out of my car.
Even though I am ready I still am nervous about it. My main worry is turning into a vegetable or worse. That's where most of my anxiety about it comes from. After trying my wrists and going through all that I am so afraid I will fail again. Where I live the mental health facilities are a joke. There is no treatment. When I was there there we no groups, no classes, no counseling. In the 2 weeks I was there we had one group and they had us draw a picture of a treasure chest and put what were our important things inside and who protects them on the outside. It was an absolute joke. Our day was spent watching TV. I got no help. The state of mental health support is so sad. They spend more time punishing those with mental illness than helping them. Even though I want this my body is fighting me. Even sitting here just writing this post I am nervous. I know I don't want to be here. I just want to build up the courage. I feel like I'm going to succumb to SI. I don't have access to benzos, so there's not much I can do about it. It sucks to want something so much just to have your body fight you. I feel like I've had a decent life after my childhood, but at this point it's all downhill from here.
On a side note I went to a store to get the gas, and after helping the manager with his printing he gifted me a 20cf tank. I did not expect that.
I do have a few questions. Why is it that it's recommended to have enough gas for 40min? I feel like that is a bit overkill. Anyone know about how long it takes to pass out when using inert gas?
I am dedicated to this, but my SI is so strong that I am having issues fighting it. I know that this is what I want, but my mind is always going 100mph. I have crippling paranoia, and many thoughts that just aren't based in reality. This makes it much more difficult.
I keep thinking about it and in my head it is a battle with what if this and what if that. Mostly what if I fail, and all the things that can happen if I do fail. This is very hard for me to write. I am not the type of person to write about or speak about what is going on in my head, but I feel like this is a safe place. At the same time I am afraid of posting this. I wish I could just be calm and collected, but I have never been that person. Anyone have suggestions for overcoming the SI besides benzos?
