Venting Internal Battle With a Higher Power Because I Feel Like He Is The One Doing These Things To Me.

[SourIntent]

I had an incident that happened about a month ago. The timing, the way that it played out - it was almost as if it was scripted. It felt deliberate to me. Like it was my higher power who did it just to be a jerk. It was so obviously, like he wanted me to know he did it intentionally to hurt me.

The pain is unbearable. All I can do is pace, cry and clean. It happened right outside my front door so I am forced to think about it every time I leave, go outside or walk in the kitchen. It's like an extra bonus for him because I'm forced to deal with it many times a day.

I just want to die so I don't have to keep dealing with it. My first thought was to hang myself but I'm too chicken to do that so all I could do is sleep with a noose around my neck every night that was wrapped around my closet door knob. I knew nothing would happen but at least that allowed me to be able to go to sleep, hoping something MIGHT happen and I wouldn't have to wake up.

I've always had this thought in the back of my head that HE was there with me and everything would all work out eventually. It was all something that had to be experienced in order to move on to the next phase. But this was so methodical that it was evil. I feel like that higher power is such a piece of shit right now. I AM ABSOLUTELY LIVID.

 

[Soul]

That's very intense. I'm sorry something traumatic happened.

Being angry at a higher power, or the universe, or the way things work, or whatever people want to call it, is fairly popular around here so you're not alone. Is there something you want to do to get back at the higher power, or the universe, or the way things work?

Be careful and take care of yourself, ok? Even though you're angry.

 

[JoeFailure]

Can we ask what happened? Maybe we could help navigate it with you or something. If it's not something you want to share, that's cool. You can just vent to us and let us know if there's anything we can do to help.

 

[SourIntent]

That's very intense. I'm sorry something traumatic happened.

Being angry at a higher power, or the universe, or the way things work, or whatever people want to call it, is fairly popular around here so you're not alone. Is there something you want to do to get back at the higher power, or the universe, or the way things work?

Be careful and take care of yourself, ok? Even though you're angry.

Thank you. Venting and your response did help ease it a bit.

Is there something I want to do to get back at the HP? That is a thoughtful question.......No, I just want him/it to undo it. It just seemed so unnecessary.

 

[SourIntent]

Can we ask what happened? Maybe we could help navigate it with you or something. If it's not something you want to share, that's cool. You can just vent to us and let us know if there's anything we can do to help.

Yes, I feel silly talking about it because I feel like it will be minimized. I had a hawk get one of my cats. The thing is first, I'm a 47 year old female who has only had 2 connections with any living things in my life and they were both cats. Second, he was just really special to me because he was a rescue cat with only 3 legs and had a personality off-the-charts special. Mainly, he loved me. I feel like I betrayed him because I was high and dismissed it. I was walking by the window and saw it out of the corner of my eye and thought to myself, "Was that a bird?" but just kept going because I've lived in the city all my life and a hawk getting a bird just isn't something that happens. I just moved to the country and I remember the lady that got him from, years ago, asking me, "And you won't let him outside, right?" "Oh nooooo, nooooo, I won't do that." But he loved to go outside and that little happy trot of his when I was going to let him out was just too adorable. The hardest thing to deal with is I really believe had I not been high, it would have registered with me what was happening and I could have gone out and shooed him away. It's hard to live with walking by that window 10 times a day....... I just really miss him. I was just thinking an hour earlier that I was surprised that he was still here with me because my prick of higher power takes everything that I enjoy away from me. And the timing was just unbelievable. I just wanted a few weeks to get things settled in the house and I had been ignoring him to get them done. I had just finished up and wanted just a few more minutes to myself so I pushed him outside. He didn't want to go and I made him. Just un-fricking-believable. That SOB. I swear to god he did that intentionally to hurt me. And wanted me to know he did it intentionally to hurt me.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Yes, I feel silly talking about it because I feel like it will be minimized. I had a hawk get one of my cats. The thing is first, I'm a 47 year old female who has only had 2 connections with any living things in my life and they were both cats. Second, he was just really special to me because he was a rescue cat with only 3 legs and had a personality off-the-charts special. Mainly, he loved me. I feel like I betrayed him because I was high and dismissed it. I was walking by the window and saw it out of the corner of my eye and thought to myself, "Was that a bird?" but just kept going because I've lived in the city all my life and a hawk getting a bird just isn't something that happens. I just moved to the country and I remember the lady that got him from, years ago, asking me, "And you won't let him outside, right?" "Oh nooooo, nooooo, I won't do that." But he loved to go outside and that little happy trot of his when I was going to let him out was just too adorable. The hardest thing to deal with is I really believe had I not been high, it would have registered with me what was happening and I could have gone out and shooed him away. It's hard to live with walking by that window 10 times a day....... I just really miss him. I was just thinking an hour earlier that I was surprised that he was still here with me because my prick of higher power takes everything that I enjoy away from me. And the timing was just unbelievable. I just wanted a few weeks to get things settled in the house and I had been ignoring him to get them done. I had just finished up and wanted just a few more minutes to myself so I pushed him outside. He didn't want to go and I made him. Just un-fricking-believable. That SOB. I swear to god he did that intentionally to hurt me. And wanted me to know he did it intentionally to hurt me.

Omg, Im so sorry hun. It won't be minimized. You lost your baby. Your kitty and your blaming yourself. And also A God for it, there is no way of kbowing a hawk would have come & its unusual that they go for cats, that was your pet and it fucking sucks because nature is a bitch and of course your angry because you felt a conne tion with that little being. Im so sorry for your loss, your feelings are valid, its no small thing at all. I would be mad as hell too...

Sending you love

 

[gingerplum]

Yes, I feel silly talking about it because I feel like it will be minimized. I had a hawk get one of my cats. The thing is first, I'm a 47 year old female who has only had 2 connections with any living things in my life and they were both cats. Second, he was just really special to me because he was a rescue cat with only 3 legs and had a personality off-the-charts special. Mainly, he loved me. I feel like I betrayed him because I was high and dismissed it. I was walking by the window and saw it out of the corner of my eye and thought to myself, "Was that a bird?" but just kept going because I've lived in the city all my life and a hawk getting a bird just isn't something that happens. I just moved to the country and I remember the lady that got him from, years ago, asking me, "And you won't let him outside, right?" "Oh nooooo, nooooo, I won't do that." But he loved to go outside and that little happy trot of his when I was going to let him out was just too adorable. The hardest thing to deal with is I really believe had I not been high, it would have registered with me what was happening and I could have gone out and shooed him away. It's hard to live with walking by that window 10 times a day....... I just really miss him. I was just thinking an hour earlier that I was surprised that he was still here with me because my prick of higher power takes everything that I enjoy away from me. And the timing was just unbelievable. I just wanted a few weeks to get things settled in the house and I had been ignoring him to get them done. I had just finished up and wanted just a few more minutes to myself so I pushed him outside. He didn't want to go and I made him. Just un-fricking-believable. That SOB. I swear to god he did that intentionally to hurt me. And wanted me to know he did it intentionally to hurt me.

First of all, your feelings are your feelings and you are 100% entitled to be 100% devastated. I hope you'll allow yourself to grieve without feeling like your reaction is disproportionate to the situation, because it is NOT.

Second, my heart broke when I read your post; I'm your age, and I have had cats my entire life. I have 4 now. One of them loves to go outside, but the others are not allowed. The one cat (Chutney) loves the outdoors so dearly, I cannot take that away from him. However, as you know, there are inherent risks that go along with the outdoors.

Several years ago, I had a very sweet, shy Manx named Furby that was outside with the other cats. A dog from the property behind ours jumped a 4' fence, grabbed Furby, snapped his neck, and took him back over the fence... in front of me, before I could stop him. Did I blame myself? You bet. I felt that I had failed to protect him. I was so traumatized, screaming and sobbing, cradling his still-warm body and not believing what had happened.

I have to remind myself that it's natural for cats to be outside, and that their lives are much more enriched and fuller for it. Yes, it's safer inside, but they will never stop longing for the outdoors. You gave him a great life, with the best of both worlds, and I am absolutely sure he knew how much you loved him.

I am an atheist, but I guess my concept of a higher power is anything greater than myself. That would certainly be nature, and nature is cruel, especially to small animals. It's not about anthropomorphizing nature, because it's neither good or bad, it just is. I just don't want you to blame your higher power if that's something you get serenity from.

Of course you're angry. I wanted to kill the neighbor's dog; I'm ashamed to say I thought about it. But the dog, although horribly wild and untrained, isn't evil any more than the hawk is. Any more than when my cats hunt lizards and squirrels. It's just instinct, or in the case of the hawk, survival.

"I'm sorry" rings hollow for what happened and how much pain you're in, but I truly am. Please don't ever feel silly for your grief. You didn't know; I would have never thought a hawk could be a real threat to a cat, at least not the hawks here. I hope you can forgive yourself going forward. I am sure he could never, ever be replaced, but somewhere there's another special little boy that would love to love you back when you're ready.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I had an incident that happened about a month ago. The timing, the way that it played out - it was almost as if it was scripted. It felt deliberate to me. Like it was my higher power who did it just to be a jerk. It was so obviously, like he wanted me to know he did it intentionally to hurt me.

The pain is unbearable. All I can do is pace, cry and clean. It happened right outside my front door so I am forced to think about it every time I leave, go outside or walk in the kitchen. It's like an extra bonus for him because I'm forced to deal with it many times a day.

I just want to die so I don't have to keep dealing with it. My first thought was to hang myself but I'm too chicken to do that so all I could do is sleep with a noose around my neck every night that was wrapped around my closet door knob. I knew nothing would happen but at least that allowed me to be able to go to sleep, hoping something MIGHT happen and I wouldn't have to wake up.

I've always had this thought in the back of my head that HE was there with me and everything would all work out eventually. It was all something that had to be experienced in order to move on to the next phase. But this was so methodical that it was evil. I feel like that higher power is such a piece of shit right now. I AM ABSOLUTELY LIVID.

What happened to you?

 

[Slate128]

I absolutely believe this is true.

- I have to drive 100km for my nearest reliable train. It arrives once a day. I timed everything perfectly and I would be at the spot 10 minutes before the train would even arrive at the station previous. The train went past 5 mins before that, inexplicably ahead of schedule.

- Another time I got there, an hour earlier this time just to be safe. I was hanging around, getting some fresh air. A family drove up and told me to get in the car because 'they were worried for my safety.' I couldn't protest, they essentially forced me into their car and took me to their house. Their story was they were just driving home and didn't know why they went 10km out of the way on country roads just to come across me.

- Someone somehow managed to track down my dad and phoned him (he was overseas at the time) because they 'felt something was up' without me speaking to them for about three months prior.

- I can make myself pass out by compressing my carotids... unless I use a rope, then it just stops working.

- my last psychiatrist was reluctant to up my meds from a criminally low dose, then just took me off them without warning. The dose was too low to do anything useful, but high enough to give me some annoying withdrawals.

God is real and he exists to piss us off.

 

[gingerplum]

I absolutely believe this is true.

- I have to drive 100km for my nearest reliable train. It arrives once a day. I timed everything perfectly and I would be at the spot 10 minutes before the train would even arrive at the station previous. The train went past 5 mins before that, inexplicably ahead of schedule.

- Another time I got there, an hour earlier this time just to be safe. I was hanging around, getting some fresh air. A family drove up and told me to get in the car because 'they were worried for my safety.' I couldn't protest, they essentially forced me into their car and took me to their house. Their story was they were just driving home and didn't know why they went 10km out of the way on country roads just to come across me.

- Someone somehow managed to track down my dad and phoned him (he was overseas at the time) because they 'felt something was up' without me speaking to them for about three months prior.

- I can make myself pass out by compressing my carotids... unless I use a rope, then it just stops working.

- my last psychiatrist was reluctant to up my meds from a criminally low dose, then just took me off them without warning. The dose was too low to do anything useful, but high enough to give me some annoying withdrawals.

God is real and he exists to piss us off.

Rationally, you know this is all easily accounted for, right? Trains run 5 minutes early sometimes. Your relative had a sense that something was wrong because... something was wrong; not speaking to them for 3 months may have spurred the concern. The rope doesn't work because you need padding, and your psychiatrist must have had some type of concern. Maybe they're just a third-rate practitioner.

Forgive me if I sound glib, but I hate to see otherwise smart, reasonable people resort to magical thinking to explain ordinary events.

 

[Soul]

Ohhhh @SourIntent, I'm so sorry!
(((Hugs))) for you and your sweet boy.

 

[SourIntent]

What happened to you?

I've been avoiding the site. As emotional as I am, had I logged in and not had any responses, I think that might have been too much for me to handle at the moment :) I will be back when I feel like I can participate again. And thank you for asking. That made me feel better.

 

[gingerplum]

That's why you have to keep cats indoors. They don't belong outside because this and so many other things can happen to them.

I really don't think that's what the OP needs to hear right now. Or at all.

 

[Sirius]

You don't know me, and may not want to. For many years I was with FEN and was a guide. I am also a Minister, ordained through several churches/belief systems. I was odd "man" out in FEN as most exit members are atheists, so I was assigned to any "believer" who needed a guide. I share this so may understand where my OPINION is coming from: I think whatever higher power you ascribe to, no matter the religion or culture, has a lot better to do than watch out every move, torture and confound us.
So, why does shit happen? We live in a world with natural laws- some not cute, like selection, evolution; some of a more spiritual nature like karma or the existence of good and evil spirits. I do believe he/she/it has given us powers (not xmen like) to cope and overcome. Because these powers aren't the stuff of Marvel heroes they are easy to miss, forget and not appreciate.
That last bite of chocolate cake that had you back to a good memory, the phone call from a friend, that other fur baby you are destined to adopt, the rain that came just in time to save your favorite rose bush from ruin...Small stuff that requires you to stay in that moment and hold good/light as long as you can !
Now, I am here and have been in this cause for so long because I believe in a human's right to self direct, even unto their own death. I always caution that it shouldn't be done until one has made every effort at peace and self acceptance

 

[1964dodge]

I think if you let your cat outside depends on many factors and is a personal choice. cats are much happier if they roam. my cats are indoor cats because they have been since they were kittens and I live in the city and i'm afraid they'll get hit by a car. but if you let the cat out it's perfectly ok and good for the cat and makes them happy. you did nothing wrong, even if you weren't high you couldn't have prevented it. you gave the cat a wonderful life and a lot of love. it's sad but nature did it not you. I hope that you can start thinking of all the good times and love you had with this cat and let go of this horrible experience. when you're ready i'm sure you'll love another kitty, it won't replace your little furby but it can be a wonderful connection

 

[Sweet emotion]

I really don't think that's what the OP needs to hear right now. Or at all.

It just keeps getting worse. Unbelievable.

Ok no problem, I erased the posts.

I've been avoiding the site. As emotional as I am, had I logged in and not had any responses, I think that might have been too much for me to handle at the moment :) I will be back when I feel like I can participate again. And thank you for asking. That made me feel better.

Sweetie my heart is sad for you. I've done a lot of things during these past 14 years as I've battled with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, the highest ranking pain condition in medical history, that have wound up physically and emotionally hurting myself. One thing I did I will never physically recover from and it caused severe depression. But I knew what I did had no mal intent and neither did what you did. I hope you can learn to forgive yourself. It takes time but practicing self forgiveness really takes a huge weight off of your shoulders. You're not a bad person. You have a kind heart and are beating yourself up too much. I know how bad it feels to lose a cat. I've had them ever since I was little. Everyone makes mistakes but we have to forgive ourselves. I'll be thinking about you and I hope things start to get better day by day.

@Sweet emotion please consider deleting your posts and saving your advice for another time. The OP feels crushed as it is.

Yes I deleted it and offered comforting words

 

[SourIntent]

Ok no problem, I erased the posts.

Sweetie my heart is sad for you. I've done a lot of things during these past 14 years as I've battled with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, the highest ranking pain condition in medical history, that have wound up physically and emotionally hurting myself. One thing I did I will never physically recover from and it caused severe depression. But I knew what I did had no mal intent and neither did what you did. I hope you can learn to forgive yourself. It takes time but practicing self forgiveness really takes a huge weight off of your shoulders. You're not a bad person. You have a kind heart and are beating yourself up too much. I know how bad it feels to lose a cat. I've had them ever since I was little. Everyone makes mistakes but we have to forgive ourselves. I'll be thinking about you and I hope things start to get better day by day.

Yes I deleted it and offered comforting words

I looked up that Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. THAT is excruciating. You consoling me is pretty remarkable. There is no way I could deal with that! Please tell me you have pain management?!?!?!

When you said what caused you did something that caused you to physically and emotionally hurt yourself with no mal intent. Do you mean like some sort of unconventional, self-medicating treatment? (If you don't mind discussing)

I hear you on the self forgiveness. If I am able to work through this, I will take that in. Right now I feel like self-forgiveness would not do him justice. He was so special to me, he deserves so much more grieving time. :)

Thank you for your kind words. I'm not just saying that.

I absolutely believe this is true.

- I have to drive 100km for my nearest reliable train. It arrives once a day. I timed everything perfectly and I would be at the spot 10 minutes before the train would even arrive at the station previous. The train went past 5 mins before that, inexplicably ahead of schedule.

- Another time I got there, an hour earlier this time just to be safe. I was hanging around, getting some fresh air. A family drove up and told me to get in the car because 'they were worried for my safety.' I couldn't protest, they essentially forced me into their car and took me to their house. Their story was they were just driving home and didn't know why they went 10km out of the way on country roads just to come across me.

- Someone somehow managed to track down my dad and phoned him (he was overseas at the time) because they 'felt something was up' without me speaking to them for about three months prior.

- I can make myself pass out by compressing my carotids... unless I use a rope, then it just stops working.

- my last psychiatrist was reluctant to up my meds from a criminally low dose, then just took me off them without warning. The dose was too low to do anything useful, but high enough to give me some annoying withdrawals.

God is real and he exists to piss us off.

Yes, sometimes it does feel that way.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I looked up that Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. THAT is excruciating. You consoling me is pretty remarkable. There is no way I could deal with that! Please tell me you have pain management?!?!?!

When you said what caused you did something that caused you to physically and emotionally hurt yourself with no mal intent. Do you mean like some sort of unconventional, self-medicating treatment? (If you don't mind discussing)

I hear you on the self forgiveness. If I am able to work through this, I will take that in. Right now I feel like self-forgiveness would not do him justice. He was so special to me, he deserves so much more grieving time. :)

Thank you for your kind words. I'm not just saying that.

I think you may have read my post wrong. What caused my crps was just waking up one day and turning my neck and having a huge muscle spasm. When I said that I've done things to myself that have hurt myself unintentionally, I'd rather not talk about that because what I did was very stupid and it makes me feel worse talking about it. Thank you for being interested in my condition though. But the sad thing is, is that what you read on the internet is nothing compared to what people really go through. People get their limbs cut off to try and rid themselves of pain.
And pain management can do nothing for this disease. It's reistwt to treatment. There is no funding for research because there is no awareness being brought to it. Pain meds help in a very small way. Some doctors put those battery packs in your back which makes it worse. I won't do that. And then there are ketamine infusions which help some people but not me.ni have it in the ears face, eyes head, neck area which no one else has. I'm that 1% patient. So the only thing that will take me out of pain after these 14 years of fighting it is death.

 

[SourIntent]

You don't know me, and may not want to. For many years I was with FEN and was a guide. I am also a Minister, ordained through several churches/belief systems. I was odd "man" out in FEN as most exit members are atheists, so I was assigned to any "believer" who needed a guide. I share this so may understand where my OPINION is coming from: I think whatever higher power you ascribe to, no matter the religion or culture, has a lot better to do than watch out every move, torture and confound us.
So, why does shit happen? We live in a world with natural laws- some not cute, like selection, evolution; some of a more spiritual nature like karma or the existence of good and evil spirits. I do believe he/she/it has given us powers (not xmen like) to cope and overcome. Because these powers aren't the stuff of Marvel heroes they are easy to miss, forget and not appreciate.
That last bite of chocolate cake that had you back to a good memory, the phone call from a friend, that other fur baby you are destined to adopt, the rain that came just in time to save your favorite rose bush from ruin...Small stuff that requires you to stay in that moment and hold good/light as long as you can !
Now, I am here and have been in this cause for so long because I believe in a human's right to self direct, even unto their own death. I always caution that it shouldn't be done until one has made every effort at peace and self acceptance

You're more than likely right but it's just so much more therapeutic to hate him right now. Anger is part of the grieving process.

I really don't think that's what the OP needs to hear right now. Or at all.

LOL. You have that protector instinct - very grateful. :)

Omg, Im so sorry hun. It won't be minimized. You lost your baby. Your kitty and your blaming yourself. And also A God for it, there is no way of kbowing a hawk would have come & its unusual that they go for cats, that was your pet and it fucking sucks because nature is a bitch and of course your angry because you felt a conne tion with that little being. Im so sorry for your loss, your feelings are valid, its no small thing at all. I would be mad as hell too...

Sending you love

Thank you. (It is unusual for hawks to get cats. I think because he only had three legs and limping, the hawk might have saw him as easy prey.) Your post made me tear up - in a good way. It's nice to feel validated.

 

[SourIntent]

First of all, your feelings are your feelings and you are 100% entitled to be 100% devastated. I hope you'll allow yourself to grieve without feeling like your reaction is disproportionate to the situation, because it is NOT.

Second, my heart broke when I read your post; I'm your age, and I have had cats my entire life. I have 4 now. One of them loves to go outside, but the others are not allowed. The one cat (Chutney) loves the outdoors so dearly, I cannot take that away from him. However, as you know, there are inherent risks that go along with the outdoors.

Several years ago, I had a very sweet, shy Manx named Furby that was outside with the other cats. A dog from the property behind ours jumped a 4' fence, grabbed Furby, snapped his neck, and took him back over the fence... in front of me, before I could stop him. Did I blame myself? You bet. I felt that I had failed to protect him. I was so traumatized, screaming and sobbing, cradling his still-warm body and not believing what had happened.

I have to remind myself that it's natural for cats to be outside, and that their lives are much more enriched and fuller for it. Yes, it's safer inside, but they will never stop longing for the outdoors. You gave him a great life, with the best of both worlds, and I am absolutely sure he knew how much you loved him.

I am an atheist, but I guess my concept of a higher power is anything greater than myself. That would certainly be nature, and nature is cruel, especially to small animals. It's not about anthropomorphizing nature, because it's neither good or bad, it just is. I just don't want you to blame your higher power if that's something you get serenity from.

Of course you're angry. I wanted to kill the neighbor's dog; I'm ashamed to say I thought about it. But the dog, although horribly wild and untrained, isn't evil any more than the hawk is. Any more than when my cats hunt lizards and squirrels. It's just instinct, or in the case of the hawk, survival.

"I'm sorry" rings hollow for what happened and how much pain you're in, but I truly am. Please don't ever feel silly for your grief. You didn't know; I would have never thought a hawk could be a real threat to a cat, at least not the hawks here. I hope you can forgive yourself going forward. I am sure he could never, ever be replaced, but somewhere there's another special little boy that would love to love you back when you're ready.

Your post was the hardest one to respond to. I can't believe you had to watch him do that to your cat! I can not imagine you having to play that over and over in your head. Thank god I didn't see mine. That must have been unbearable.

I kept telling myself it was nature, just like you said. Like I told another poster, hawks usually do not go after cats. My guess is since he only had three legs, the hawk saw him limping and figured he would be an easy catch. Anyhow, the next day I was looking outside I saw his shadow fly by. I'm guessing he was looking for another easy meal and you better believe I wanted to kill that thing. There's a fine if you get caught killing a bird of prey and I was more than willing to risk it. Even still, I know it is not him that's to blame.

As for blaming my higher power, I've always felt it was justified to blame and hate him for the way this world is. The fact that you would put "your creations" in the scenario where they have to hurt other livings things, several times a day, just for them to survive is as evil as you can get. I most of us never come to realize how heinous this system is is because we don't actually have to go out there and slaughter them ourselves three times a day.

The best line from your post was that you were absolutely sure he knew how much I loved him. I think he did. He always demanded my attention. Our little routine was for him to flop down in front of me every time I walked around. And of course you have to bend down and scratch the booty. I swear we did this 20 times a day. He was such a happy cat. To think of that along with what you said actually made me smile. :)

I think you may have read my post wrong. What caused my crps was just waking up one day and turning my neck and having a huge muscle spasm. When I said that I've done things to myself that have hurt myself unintentionally, I'd rather not talk about that because what I did was very stupid and it makes me feel worse talking about it. Thank you for being interested in my condition though. But the sad thing is, is that what you read on the internet is nothing compared to what people really go through. People get their limbs cut off to try and rid themselves of pain.
And pain management can do nothing for this disease. It's reistwt to treatment. There is no funding for research because there is no awareness being brought to it. Pain meds help in a very small way. Some doctors put those battery packs in your back which makes it worse. I won't do that. And then there are ketamine infusions which help some people but not me.ni have it in the ears face, eyes head, neck area which no one else has. I'm that 1% patient. So the only thing that will take me out of pain after these 14 years of fighting it is death.

You're right. I did misread that. I get that you don't want to talk about it - It just makes you have to experience it all over again.

People cut off their limbs to get rid of the pain?!?!?! You know what's really sad? Is that these companies should really be working on drugs that don't cause dependence. There are some possibilities there so it is odd that nothing has been manufactured. Or the fact that they could be developing neurological procedures to block the pain but then the money would stop after a successful operation and that wouldn't be very beneficial to their shareholders so.......

I think if you let your cat outside depends on many factors and is a personal choice. cats are much happier if they roam. my cats are indoor cats because they have been since they were kittens and I live in the city and i'm afraid they'll get hit by a car. but if you let the cat out it's perfectly ok and good for the cat and makes them happy. you did nothing wrong, even if you weren't high you couldn't have prevented it. you gave the cat a wonderful life and a lot of love. it's sad but nature did it not you. I hope that you can start thinking of all the good times and love you had with this cat and let go of this horrible experience. when you're ready i'm sure you'll love another kitty, it won't replace your little furby but it can be a wonderful connection

Thank you. You are correct - it is a tradeoff. I always have to weigh the option; 15 years of staring at a wall or 5 years of stimulation. For me, I think it depends on the cat. You can tell if they are miserable only being inside. What kind of life is that?

And what you said about another kitty in the future making me rethink things. Not ever having another cat because their would never be a closer connection is not very rational, is it?

 

[gingerplum]

I'm so glad you were able to find comfort in some of the words that resonated with you! I know your grief is still very raw, but you being able to revisit this thread and discuss it shows real progress, even if any type of closure might be out of reach for a long time. Thank you for stopping by my profile page; seeing your post really lifted my spirits as well.