Help Interacting with the healthcare system only makes it worse

[it.only.gets.worse]

I've been on a waitlist for therapy for three years (since my last attempt) and just had my first appointment. It's made me even more suicidal.

I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and autism, but this therapist has decided (after knowing me over Zoom for less than an hour) that I actually have PTSD and BPD. I KNOW I DO NOT HAVE THEM!! I barely meet the criteria for them, while my scores for the previous diagnosis are super high. The only symptoms I align with are difficulty in relationships (though it has nothing to do with attachment as is the central aspect of BPD), anhedonia, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts which I think most here would agree IS COMMON IN EVERY MENTAL ILLNESS. The only way I'm allowed to continue treatment is if I relent to this diagnosis, but if I keep being 'difficult' they'll put me on yet another fucking waitlist.

I've tried to get help and it doesn't fucking work because everything the system is designed around is making you more 'productive' in society and less of a burden on the system, so they don't care to listen to anyone's personal experiences. And, of course, me saying I don't have these illnesses is 'a sign' that I have them, so there's no way out. She also said that medication won't help me since I 'have BPD' which makes me wonder WHY THE FUCK THEY HAVE ME ON THEM THEN. I swear I'm gonna stop taking them. I'm not an impulsive person; I plan and plan every second of the day, but according to the professionals, I am, so I guess I just need to lean into that because it doesn't matter what I'm actually like. Then, I found out I could access my past files and they're filled with lies about me with no basis and judgment that makes me wonder why they don't just PUT ME TF DOWN if I'm such a useless crazy person. I'm slow to anger, but I was literally so pissed that my throat was clenched and I was tearing up. I can't think of anything else, everything just leads back to me not being meant to be here. I just want all of this to be done with. I don't want to add 5 hours of therapy (some of which is group) as well as homework based around a mental illness I DON'T HAVE onto overnight volunteer shifts, full-time uni, work, and dealing with personal stuff.

I don't want to upset my parents, lovely partner, and cats, but I have nothing I care for in terms of my life and I've wanted to die since I was conscious of being alive. I'm not a person. I want someone to execute me point-blank. The methods I've narrowed it down to are the improved plastic bag method and SN, but the supplies are impossible to get where I live (ANY CANADIANS: PLEASE SEND ME ADVICE ON HOW TO FIND THEM) and the guilt of going through with it since I don't care about myself, but don't want to ruin the lives of others. But I'm certain I'm meant to die. There is no life for me. Part of me wishes I could just get a fucking lobotomy so my husk will continue existing (which is all anyone cares about), but I don't have to. I just need to plan my death and I desperately wish it could be a guaranteed success with minimal impact. Outside of my family, I'm sure everyone else thinks I'm a disgusting freak who needs to die anyways. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I JUST WANT TO DIE AND BE DONE. THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR ME.

 

[R. A.]

Hey, yeah, it's shit. your assessment of the system is on point
if you think there's a chance non-institution support would help I would highly recommend that. Community counselling, peer support, etc. If you're a minority of any kind there may be additional options that are more tailored to your needs.
hope today is kinder to you

 

[Unicron]

I have diagnosis' of autism, anxious-avoidant personality disorder, OCD, agoraphobia and anorexia nervosa and my psychiatrist keeps telling me I need to drink decaffeinated tea so I can sleep better. You're not the only one that feels like punching a wall.