helplesship
helpfriendshipdrainfiasco
- May 13, 2025
- 69
i think this whole thing is just survival instinct. some dumb hardwired reflex that won't let me die even tho this life is barely a life, it's nothing but suffering. i don't wanna be "me" in this world, not now, not ever. i should've been gone already. i've been cursed enough to drag through these pointless days, so why the hell is that instinct still here? why do i still feel this pull to keep living? i keep asking myself, if you're gonna stay alive, what the fuck are you even gonna do? can you actually do anything? do you even have anything, money, talent, purpose? no. just a walking pile of meat roaming a planet with no map. the thought of continuing like this makes me sick. i don't wanna be a burden to people, to those i once called friends, to family, or even to my own mind. my head's empty except for the routine of catching the bus. and yet that instinct keeps tugging at me, messing everything up. every day i play the part, final-year student, quiet, going to school, pretending like i'll go to college soon (if i can, if i want). i do the motions alone, like i'm numb to the responsibilities i should care about at my age. i do it by myself because i don't have anyone. even if someone recognizes me, i push them away. i've become avoidant. paranoia's got me on lock, scared that i'll be a burden again, scared i'll cause them trouble. i think about stuff that hasn't happened and probably never will. i freak out over things that aren't even real. my head tells me i'm useless, that i'll never be independent. honestly, i want to change, but everything feels pointless
i wanna be different. but as someone who feels like they shouldn't have been born, it feels pointless. my parents didn't expect me. they kept that secret until it blew up. i was small when i learned i shouldn't have been born, should've been aborted. my mom's loud voice about it still echoes. i remember that yelling as i grew up, at first i didn't understand, then bit by bit it broke me. it's like being told from day one, "your purpose is to blow up like a wallbreaker in coc", sure, wallbreakers are useful, they die so their team can win. but me? what am i good for? wallbreakers have meaning, they clear the path. me? useless. like i said, i can't stand on my own. that one sentence keeps me stuck at the lowest point. wallbreakers die for others, what can i even die for? i got no one, no plan, no goal. i should've been gone as a fetus who didn't even know what death was. i'm always alone. the one thing i want besides a reason to get up is friendship. i crave it so bad, especially when people call me incel. damn, unlucky. i had friends as a kid, normal ones, and i still remember them. but my shitty behavior pushed them away, one by one. i tried reaching out but it felt pointless. people come and go. i can't move on or find a new scene. i'm stuck in the most disgusting chapter of my life. all i want is one person who kinda gets me, even a little. a place to dump my head. but my own thoughts stab me, "shut up dumbass, why you even here, you're a burden, nobody wants you, nobody wants to be seen with your ugly ass." that voice turned me avoidant and paranoid
i'm scared of new people, sometimes i even hate them before i know them. i'm a mess. the environment around me is rotten. i got thrown into this trash because i was dumb and couldn't keep up with getting better. this place set the bar low and now it's my normal. i'm tired of being the joke, the punching bag for people who don't like me because i'm different. to survive i feel like i gotta pretend to be someone else. i can't find my true self. i can't be myself. i can't keep promises to myself. i should've been gone last year in this month. now it's the same month again and i told myself i'd finish it. i can't keep living like this. no reason to hold on to nothing. i got nothing to lose… literally nothing to lose except the one stupid reason that keeps me here. but why is that instinct still there, holding me back from following through? am i unstable? will i find excuses to stay next year and do the same thing again? my head keeps flipping between "do the thing" and "wait, what about exams, graduating, college, a job?" like, can you even do that? weren't you supposed to be gone already? why are you still thinking about it? confident enough to stay now? who even gave you that right? what do you actually have that leads to success? don't dream too big, you're just a burden, damn. keep your promise and shut that instinct up. you won't survive in a world that chews up dumb people like you, so don't act like you will. you never did anything meaningful, you just sit at your pc or lie in your room all day. no place for a rotten pile of meat like me. before things get worse, i gotta keep my promise. this week, hopefully it happens. everything will be better without me, someone who should've never been born. i'm sorry. sorry ma, you don't need to feel guilty for having me. it's time to make you relieved… by removing this burden from your life. i'm really sorry
and yeah, after saying all that, the stupid part of me still wonders if this weird survival instinct is just cruel, keeping me here to suffer, making me plan, failing, plan again. maybe i'm just indecisive, fragile, broken. maybe next year i'll find another lame reason to stay. either way, the thoughts don't stop. they loop. i'm tired of the loop. i'm tired of bargaining with myself. i'm tired of pretending i might one day become someone useful. but sometimes, like a glitch, i picture small things too, passing exams, walking across the stage, answering emails for a job, getting one message from a stranger who says "hey, i saw your post, i get it." those tiny flickers confuse me. are they hope? or just the brain trolling me with false trailers of a life i can't reach? either way, the ache is real. i wrote this out because i needed to say it somewhere. maybe nobody will read it. maybe someone will. maybe i'll delete it later. either way, this is the mess in my head. nothing pretty. nothing heroic. just raw, bitter, tired. and still, in the middle of all that, there's that ugly little instinct that won't let me go. and that's what scares me the most
i wanna be different. but as someone who feels like they shouldn't have been born, it feels pointless. my parents didn't expect me. they kept that secret until it blew up. i was small when i learned i shouldn't have been born, should've been aborted. my mom's loud voice about it still echoes. i remember that yelling as i grew up, at first i didn't understand, then bit by bit it broke me. it's like being told from day one, "your purpose is to blow up like a wallbreaker in coc", sure, wallbreakers are useful, they die so their team can win. but me? what am i good for? wallbreakers have meaning, they clear the path. me? useless. like i said, i can't stand on my own. that one sentence keeps me stuck at the lowest point. wallbreakers die for others, what can i even die for? i got no one, no plan, no goal. i should've been gone as a fetus who didn't even know what death was. i'm always alone. the one thing i want besides a reason to get up is friendship. i crave it so bad, especially when people call me incel. damn, unlucky. i had friends as a kid, normal ones, and i still remember them. but my shitty behavior pushed them away, one by one. i tried reaching out but it felt pointless. people come and go. i can't move on or find a new scene. i'm stuck in the most disgusting chapter of my life. all i want is one person who kinda gets me, even a little. a place to dump my head. but my own thoughts stab me, "shut up dumbass, why you even here, you're a burden, nobody wants you, nobody wants to be seen with your ugly ass." that voice turned me avoidant and paranoid
i'm scared of new people, sometimes i even hate them before i know them. i'm a mess. the environment around me is rotten. i got thrown into this trash because i was dumb and couldn't keep up with getting better. this place set the bar low and now it's my normal. i'm tired of being the joke, the punching bag for people who don't like me because i'm different. to survive i feel like i gotta pretend to be someone else. i can't find my true self. i can't be myself. i can't keep promises to myself. i should've been gone last year in this month. now it's the same month again and i told myself i'd finish it. i can't keep living like this. no reason to hold on to nothing. i got nothing to lose… literally nothing to lose except the one stupid reason that keeps me here. but why is that instinct still there, holding me back from following through? am i unstable? will i find excuses to stay next year and do the same thing again? my head keeps flipping between "do the thing" and "wait, what about exams, graduating, college, a job?" like, can you even do that? weren't you supposed to be gone already? why are you still thinking about it? confident enough to stay now? who even gave you that right? what do you actually have that leads to success? don't dream too big, you're just a burden, damn. keep your promise and shut that instinct up. you won't survive in a world that chews up dumb people like you, so don't act like you will. you never did anything meaningful, you just sit at your pc or lie in your room all day. no place for a rotten pile of meat like me. before things get worse, i gotta keep my promise. this week, hopefully it happens. everything will be better without me, someone who should've never been born. i'm sorry. sorry ma, you don't need to feel guilty for having me. it's time to make you relieved… by removing this burden from your life. i'm really sorry
and yeah, after saying all that, the stupid part of me still wonders if this weird survival instinct is just cruel, keeping me here to suffer, making me plan, failing, plan again. maybe i'm just indecisive, fragile, broken. maybe next year i'll find another lame reason to stay. either way, the thoughts don't stop. they loop. i'm tired of the loop. i'm tired of bargaining with myself. i'm tired of pretending i might one day become someone useful. but sometimes, like a glitch, i picture small things too, passing exams, walking across the stage, answering emails for a job, getting one message from a stranger who says "hey, i saw your post, i get it." those tiny flickers confuse me. are they hope? or just the brain trolling me with false trailers of a life i can't reach? either way, the ache is real. i wrote this out because i needed to say it somewhere. maybe nobody will read it. maybe someone will. maybe i'll delete it later. either way, this is the mess in my head. nothing pretty. nothing heroic. just raw, bitter, tired. and still, in the middle of all that, there's that ugly little instinct that won't let me go. and that's what scares me the most
