"What was the tipping point?", you may ask.
Unfortunately, there is no one sole event that caused me to take this route. It is an amalgamation of events that have accumulated into a constant crushing of my soul for which there is only one escape.
Being born into a family whose love was transactional. Having to raise myself and finding my own discipline and values.
Having to raise myself led to making poor decisions in my youth, overdosing and drinking and smoking weed as early as 14 years old, leading to further altered judgement and surely negative impacts on my mental wellbeing.
Poor judgement and foggy-mindedness led to taking risky behaviors that caused their own mental strain. so when I acted on my values in an altered frame of mind, I expressed my desires in belligerent, aggressive and violent fashion, under the crushing coat of addiction and binging my vices.
Before the belligerence, I had managed to still build what I could call a successful, good life, with more good to come. But after the lashing out and scorching of the earth behind me, I managed to lose what I had built, my career, my network, my relationships, my mental clarity, my sanity.
Having lost all that I held dear to my soul, I was faced with the fact that I had lost the life as it once was, the good life, paradise. In order to restore even a semblance of what was, requires the same passion, drive, motivation, fortitude, resiliency that got me there the first time.
Having already lost my mind for a period, I was left with the bare bones of cognition, having lost those attributes required to acquire the paradise I once achieved.
To re-manifest these attributes, I must be able to perform with the mental vitality of my youth. But it is clear that I have lost the ability to find purpose, the intrinsic motivator to power through the trials and tribulations of life.
I am simply exhausted. I no longer have the energy to pursue the daunting quest of rebuilding myself. I barely have the energy to get up in the morning and maintain the current sub-par life I live now. The low baseline energy is sufficiently drained by my mental afflictions; attempting to combat them all while scraping together an imposed image of sanity & normalcy truly takes its toll on my soul.
I am left with a shell of what I once was. My soul is like a basin with large holes at the bottom. Efforts to regain serenity can be poured in, even from multiple sources, seemingly filling up the basin, to which some would say, "Look! We are making progress - the basin is filling". But the holes at the bottom began to grow, to multiply, making filling the basin more and more difficult. Eventually, any effort of promising gains in serenity poured in are immediately dispensed out from the bottom; the basin is perpetually empty, and it becomes dry, rusted, tarnished, and eventually deemed unsalvageable.
This basin is my soul.
Unfortunately, there is no one sole event that caused me to take this route. It is an amalgamation of events that have accumulated into a constant crushing of my soul for which there is only one escape.
Being born into a family whose love was transactional. Having to raise myself and finding my own discipline and values.
Having to raise myself led to making poor decisions in my youth, overdosing and drinking and smoking weed as early as 14 years old, leading to further altered judgement and surely negative impacts on my mental wellbeing.
Poor judgement and foggy-mindedness led to taking risky behaviors that caused their own mental strain. so when I acted on my values in an altered frame of mind, I expressed my desires in belligerent, aggressive and violent fashion, under the crushing coat of addiction and binging my vices.
Before the belligerence, I had managed to still build what I could call a successful, good life, with more good to come. But after the lashing out and scorching of the earth behind me, I managed to lose what I had built, my career, my network, my relationships, my mental clarity, my sanity.
Having lost all that I held dear to my soul, I was faced with the fact that I had lost the life as it once was, the good life, paradise. In order to restore even a semblance of what was, requires the same passion, drive, motivation, fortitude, resiliency that got me there the first time.
Having already lost my mind for a period, I was left with the bare bones of cognition, having lost those attributes required to acquire the paradise I once achieved.
To re-manifest these attributes, I must be able to perform with the mental vitality of my youth. But it is clear that I have lost the ability to find purpose, the intrinsic motivator to power through the trials and tribulations of life.
I am simply exhausted. I no longer have the energy to pursue the daunting quest of rebuilding myself. I barely have the energy to get up in the morning and maintain the current sub-par life I live now. The low baseline energy is sufficiently drained by my mental afflictions; attempting to combat them all while scraping together an imposed image of sanity & normalcy truly takes its toll on my soul.
I am left with a shell of what I once was. My soul is like a basin with large holes at the bottom. Efforts to regain serenity can be poured in, even from multiple sources, seemingly filling up the basin, to which some would say, "Look! We are making progress - the basin is filling". But the holes at the bottom began to grow, to multiply, making filling the basin more and more difficult. Eventually, any effort of promising gains in serenity poured in are immediately dispensed out from the bottom; the basin is perpetually empty, and it becomes dry, rusted, tarnished, and eventually deemed unsalvageable.
This basin is my soul.
