Venting Insomnia, apathy and mental agony

[now_or_never]

Besides of my usual suffering which is apathy, now I am suffering from insomnia because of the meds I am taking (antipsychotics, namely cariprazine). I was happy at first with this medicine because it is activating, so last 2 months I managed to do more activities than usual. But I really can't sleep. I take trazodone, but it doesn't help, only combined with lorazepam, a benzo, I can get some rest, but I feel mental agony.

That's the best way to describe what I am feeling now: mental agony. I barely can read, or focus, it is difficult to research methods to ctb, or even to know if I really want it or it is just a phase due to my mental suffering. But this suffering is not new, it has been years of negative symptoms of psychosis, and that has left me unable to work.

I signed up as a member of Pegasos, with the hope of applying later on for euthanasia. Now I have the money to pay for it, but my will is not strong enough to start the procedure. One part of me thinks that I should wait until I'm 40 (I'm 38 now) or until my mom dies (she is 78), but another part of me thinks that life is such a bullshit, that I should end it sooner.

I don't know what to do, I wish I could get some sleep to get more clear ideas. In any case, I want to thank this forum for being there. It's a relief to read through the posts, and to be able to discuss methods.

 

[LivideLamb]

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Life's freaking unfair and we shouldn't have to suffer this much.

If you're taking anti-psychotic, that would mean that you're seeing a psychiatrist? Have you spoken with them about all the suffering the meds bring you?
Can you still nap, (even if you can't sleep)?

I wish you peace and sunny days ahead.

 

[OldDrummer]

What a crock of shit your load is. I only wish better for you.

I usually have to beat my brains every night with alcohol to overcome the tinnitus. I don't recommend it to anyone.

 

[now_or_never]

I can't nap, but yes I'm seeing a psychiatrist. Tomorrow I'll try to contact them to see if this antipsychotic can be changed for another one, or if I can take different meds to sleep.

Thank you for your compassion. I also believe that life is unfair and a bad business for everyone involved.

 

[FuneralCry]

I am sorry that you are suffering so much, I can imagine that it must be unbearable what you are going through. This life really is so awful. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Forever Dead]

So sorry you are having to endure this. I live with my Dad who is dying from stage 4 lung cancer. I desperately wanted to ctb a few days ago due to a bout of chronic anxiety and panic episodes that lasted 3 days, and meant I had only slept for a few hours during that time. I am just holding on for my dads sake, and when He passes then I shall hopefully end this pointless and painful existence. I know how difficult it is to feel that you have to hold on for your elderly parents sake, its truly awful. Hugs.