sourpink
Student
- Aug 27, 2020
- 148
precursor: I'm new and I'm very bad at being brief, so settle in for an introduction/ramble/vent hybrid. much love.
hi... so I'm new. that much is obvious. new to this community, that is. I've lost count of my attempts but I think I stopped counting around the 11th attempt (?) I'm not entirely sure. I have severe memory loss, and near constant brain fog.
so I've been following threads and reading comments here for a couple of weeks, and I found comfort and compassion in so many of your words here before interacting myself.
I guess this post is kind of my way of breaking the ice. I had considered just replying to someone else's thread with no introduction but thought it best to more formally introduce myself to you all as a community.
I'm 27. I have 6 diagnoses. I'm an addict near 10 years into recovery.
I've been in and out of therapy pretty much just as long.
there is value in treatment. in my opinion, though, not enough to motivate me to stay.
I'm so sick of this popular notion within even treatment circles that depression is the primary driving force behind ideation. of course that may be and is the case for many folks. but to blanket assume that's the case for all is ignorant, and someone with a medical degree should realise that ignorance.
I'm here to, hopefully, if you all feel comfortable, integrate into this warm little community you've all built and maintained. my time is up in 5 months, roughly. actually.. a little less, but basically 5 months.
I'd love to leave sooner, but there are practical things I should plan out and prepare for others once I've left. there are ways I want my leaving to be handled, so I need to outline what I want done. and if I'm going to do to that, I feel I might as well explain to each individual who actually matters why I left, to say to them things I feel need to be said.
so my time's up in 5 months.
why? you're probably wondering why. then again maybe not, this is SS after all.
anorexia has been my shadow, my best friend one step behind me for... (doing mental math) ... crikey. if I live to see 28 (which is not in the cards) I'll have been living with anorexia for 20 years. no, I'm not kidding (why would someone falsify that? that would be cringe.)
anyway, once someone's had anorexia that long.. there's really no clawing your way out. even if I could manage to overcome the mindset and ignore the ana voice, if I could mentally recover.. my body is irreparably damaged. I know that. it's a fact, this much time and effort I've put into self destruction has done just that. if I chose to live til my natural end, it... it would be unpleasant. I'd be looking at osteoporosis, a need for dentures, heart issues (I've had a minor stroke already), and more. for those reasons alone, it's not worth it.
additionally, I'm so deep in that I have zero desire to recover. I can barely manage one meal a day on my good days, and even then, everything is counted and measured and weighed and my one meal is a fraction of someone else's 'normal' meal. the rest of the time, I'm fasting without even realizing. it's second nature now. I just want to leave. I'm done.
I'm not going to go too in depth with other issues I live with, as I am a rather paranoid and anxious human and it worries me that my identity may be suspected.
but I have trauma. gallons of the stuff.
I'm dissociative and I live with psychosis.
and I genuinely don't have any idea how to cope in healthy ways. my automatic response to distress is to self harm in some way to some degree. I cannot cope with feeling, positive or negative.
why did I wait so long, you might be wondering? I tried. I tried so hard to leave. I had a wonderful saint of a partner who loved me more than anything, and he has in the literal sense saved my life a handful of times. I started treatment for him. not for myself.
it's never been about me. I've never felt worthy or deserving of help, or of the privilege of life. I'm not trying to whine for pity, that's just what my internal monologue is like.
so here I am. 27. my anorexia, my drug addiction, and my own brain all came together from an early age to leave early. obviously that wasn't a goal we attained.
here I am. 27. I didn't plan to live to see 17, or 19, or 21, and certainly not 27.
so I didn't bother to focus on education or career or anything pertinent to a future I knew I wasn't going to have.
I have achieved very little, if anything, in all my time. I feel a burden on others but mostly on myself. I'm too heavy for me to carry. at this point I just want it all to be over. I'm okay with that, and I'm ready. I'm past acceptance and I've made my peace.
I know how I'd like to leave, and I know what will work - at least 11 attempts has taught me that much. I know what arrangements I want and which ones I don't. I'm legally disabled, and I have little to nothing of my own in terms of possessions. I don't live on my own. I have multiple roommates. there will be very little to sort out, but it remains important to me, probably given my religious beliefs that my wishes for what is done with my empty flesh vessel and how my exit is handled publicly be respected by whomever is to carry them out.
so here I am, 27, no longer holding myself back from what I want and feel is necessary.
I'm an open book, to some extent.
please feel free to ask any questions you might have, if you've read all this and have any interest.
I'm leaving when I'm leaving regardless of how many friends I make, but it would be lovely to get to know some folks in my time left.
so... really, AMA. go for it. if for whatever reason I'm not comfortable answering some question, I'll let you know but I won't be bothered that you asked. I'd like to get to know people here, and I already have a lot of love for this place.
anyway, that's.. that's my intro I guess.
I'm never concise, but you've likely gathered that by now.
thank you all for accepting me into your lovely safe corner.
hi... so I'm new. that much is obvious. new to this community, that is. I've lost count of my attempts but I think I stopped counting around the 11th attempt (?) I'm not entirely sure. I have severe memory loss, and near constant brain fog.
so I've been following threads and reading comments here for a couple of weeks, and I found comfort and compassion in so many of your words here before interacting myself.
I guess this post is kind of my way of breaking the ice. I had considered just replying to someone else's thread with no introduction but thought it best to more formally introduce myself to you all as a community.
I'm 27. I have 6 diagnoses. I'm an addict near 10 years into recovery.
I've been in and out of therapy pretty much just as long.
there is value in treatment. in my opinion, though, not enough to motivate me to stay.
I'm so sick of this popular notion within even treatment circles that depression is the primary driving force behind ideation. of course that may be and is the case for many folks. but to blanket assume that's the case for all is ignorant, and someone with a medical degree should realise that ignorance.
I'm here to, hopefully, if you all feel comfortable, integrate into this warm little community you've all built and maintained. my time is up in 5 months, roughly. actually.. a little less, but basically 5 months.
I'd love to leave sooner, but there are practical things I should plan out and prepare for others once I've left. there are ways I want my leaving to be handled, so I need to outline what I want done. and if I'm going to do to that, I feel I might as well explain to each individual who actually matters why I left, to say to them things I feel need to be said.
so my time's up in 5 months.
why? you're probably wondering why. then again maybe not, this is SS after all.
anorexia has been my shadow, my best friend one step behind me for... (doing mental math) ... crikey. if I live to see 28 (which is not in the cards) I'll have been living with anorexia for 20 years. no, I'm not kidding (why would someone falsify that? that would be cringe.)
anyway, once someone's had anorexia that long.. there's really no clawing your way out. even if I could manage to overcome the mindset and ignore the ana voice, if I could mentally recover.. my body is irreparably damaged. I know that. it's a fact, this much time and effort I've put into self destruction has done just that. if I chose to live til my natural end, it... it would be unpleasant. I'd be looking at osteoporosis, a need for dentures, heart issues (I've had a minor stroke already), and more. for those reasons alone, it's not worth it.
additionally, I'm so deep in that I have zero desire to recover. I can barely manage one meal a day on my good days, and even then, everything is counted and measured and weighed and my one meal is a fraction of someone else's 'normal' meal. the rest of the time, I'm fasting without even realizing. it's second nature now. I just want to leave. I'm done.
I'm not going to go too in depth with other issues I live with, as I am a rather paranoid and anxious human and it worries me that my identity may be suspected.
but I have trauma. gallons of the stuff.
I'm dissociative and I live with psychosis.
and I genuinely don't have any idea how to cope in healthy ways. my automatic response to distress is to self harm in some way to some degree. I cannot cope with feeling, positive or negative.
why did I wait so long, you might be wondering? I tried. I tried so hard to leave. I had a wonderful saint of a partner who loved me more than anything, and he has in the literal sense saved my life a handful of times. I started treatment for him. not for myself.
it's never been about me. I've never felt worthy or deserving of help, or of the privilege of life. I'm not trying to whine for pity, that's just what my internal monologue is like.
so here I am. 27. my anorexia, my drug addiction, and my own brain all came together from an early age to leave early. obviously that wasn't a goal we attained.
here I am. 27. I didn't plan to live to see 17, or 19, or 21, and certainly not 27.
so I didn't bother to focus on education or career or anything pertinent to a future I knew I wasn't going to have.
I have achieved very little, if anything, in all my time. I feel a burden on others but mostly on myself. I'm too heavy for me to carry. at this point I just want it all to be over. I'm okay with that, and I'm ready. I'm past acceptance and I've made my peace.
I know how I'd like to leave, and I know what will work - at least 11 attempts has taught me that much. I know what arrangements I want and which ones I don't. I'm legally disabled, and I have little to nothing of my own in terms of possessions. I don't live on my own. I have multiple roommates. there will be very little to sort out, but it remains important to me, probably given my religious beliefs that my wishes for what is done with my empty flesh vessel and how my exit is handled publicly be respected by whomever is to carry them out.
so here I am, 27, no longer holding myself back from what I want and feel is necessary.
I'm an open book, to some extent.
please feel free to ask any questions you might have, if you've read all this and have any interest.
I'm leaving when I'm leaving regardless of how many friends I make, but it would be lovely to get to know some folks in my time left.
so... really, AMA. go for it. if for whatever reason I'm not comfortable answering some question, I'll let you know but I won't be bothered that you asked. I'd like to get to know people here, and I already have a lot of love for this place.
anyway, that's.. that's my intro I guess.
I'm never concise, but you've likely gathered that by now.
thank you all for accepting me into your lovely safe corner.
