any%
Student
- May 2, 2019
- 168
Hey fellow humans,
I was doing pretty ok for the last 3 months or so. I stopped feeding my substance addiction and am still sober. I started working to earn some money before I finally have the courage to finish my masters at university. I even started seeing a girl that I like and was quite open with her and told her things I rarely talk about with anyone. I am not madly in love with her at all to be honest, I just like her and find her attractive and I kind of miss being physical with some other person. We even set the baseline that we both dont actually want a serious exclusive relationship and she clearly told and showed me that she is attracted to me, yet I just hesitate to kinda start what we both probably are thinking. And I feel so different about her all the time. Sometimes I felt so clearly that I just wanted to grab her, kiss her and cuddle up with her for some time to feel good and sometimes I felt so dirty and disgusted and so damn guilty for being with her and for talking to her about serious stuff that I was in serious pain for several days after being with her.
Which brings me to one of my sorrows: I change my mind, like a lot. Like several times in a day, sometimes within an hour, sometimes it doesnt change for a week and suddenly I wake up in the morning and it feels like somebody planted some other mood profile in my brain. My attitudes to a lot of topics, my stress tolerance, my personal wishes (being materialistic or non-materialistic), my short-term, mid-term and long-term plans, my thoughts about anything - it all changes like crazy, it feels like I cannot control it at all. Like my mind, heart and soul is a picture puzzle and sometimes it stays the same, sometimes only a few pieces change and other days the whole damn thing gets scrambled and the result is a completely different often distorted picture.
Currently it is so bad, that I dont even wanna make any plans at all, because I dont trust myself to remember the mental state I was in when I crafted those plans. Too many times it happened that I read an email or a diary entry from me and it felt like it was written from a completely different person. I can remember when I wrote these things but I cant comprehend how I could write those things if that makes any sense.
Question:
Do any of you know or even experience what I tried to explain here? And if so, how do you cope with it? What are your tactics to go on about this? It sucks so much energy out of me. I feel like playing a videogame where sometimes I just go "fuck it, just ignore everyone and everything for now and wait for the next morning, maybe it is gonna be completely different again". I dont wanna start smokin pot again, I abused that strategy for years now. Please let me know some of your tricks if you have any. I dont want to live from day to day or even hour to hour. Tomorrow I will see this post completely different probably, but anyway now it is out. Sorry for the lenghty not straight-to-the-point post.
I was doing pretty ok for the last 3 months or so. I stopped feeding my substance addiction and am still sober. I started working to earn some money before I finally have the courage to finish my masters at university. I even started seeing a girl that I like and was quite open with her and told her things I rarely talk about with anyone. I am not madly in love with her at all to be honest, I just like her and find her attractive and I kind of miss being physical with some other person. We even set the baseline that we both dont actually want a serious exclusive relationship and she clearly told and showed me that she is attracted to me, yet I just hesitate to kinda start what we both probably are thinking. And I feel so different about her all the time. Sometimes I felt so clearly that I just wanted to grab her, kiss her and cuddle up with her for some time to feel good and sometimes I felt so dirty and disgusted and so damn guilty for being with her and for talking to her about serious stuff that I was in serious pain for several days after being with her.
Which brings me to one of my sorrows: I change my mind, like a lot. Like several times in a day, sometimes within an hour, sometimes it doesnt change for a week and suddenly I wake up in the morning and it feels like somebody planted some other mood profile in my brain. My attitudes to a lot of topics, my stress tolerance, my personal wishes (being materialistic or non-materialistic), my short-term, mid-term and long-term plans, my thoughts about anything - it all changes like crazy, it feels like I cannot control it at all. Like my mind, heart and soul is a picture puzzle and sometimes it stays the same, sometimes only a few pieces change and other days the whole damn thing gets scrambled and the result is a completely different often distorted picture.
Currently it is so bad, that I dont even wanna make any plans at all, because I dont trust myself to remember the mental state I was in when I crafted those plans. Too many times it happened that I read an email or a diary entry from me and it felt like it was written from a completely different person. I can remember when I wrote these things but I cant comprehend how I could write those things if that makes any sense.
Question:
Do any of you know or even experience what I tried to explain here? And if so, how do you cope with it? What are your tactics to go on about this? It sucks so much energy out of me. I feel like playing a videogame where sometimes I just go "fuck it, just ignore everyone and everything for now and wait for the next morning, maybe it is gonna be completely different again". I dont wanna start smokin pot again, I abused that strategy for years now. Please let me know some of your tricks if you have any. I dont want to live from day to day or even hour to hour. Tomorrow I will see this post completely different probably, but anyway now it is out. Sorry for the lenghty not straight-to-the-point post.
